I feel like I'm at another crossroads again. Oh well congratu-fuckinglations. Another episode this week. Although it's been a while and there haven't been any re-runs. But alas I wasn't cancelled. Damn I sound like I'm out of it right now.
But in some ways I'm anything but out of it.
I just don't know what to think of leather anymore. From the curiosity of leather at my first gay pride and submitting to that man..JD and serving him that weekend. To the hunger for leather when I was in college and then coming back to Atlanta and meeting Casey and Michael. Then becoming Casey's slave slowly. I remember all the people we met at various leather groups and how nervous and show I was back then. But how curious I was. Curious about everything men in leather, women in leather, old guard, new guard, everything back then was just a big curiosity. And I wanted to learn so much and as I learned of Casey's stories and past I wished so desperately to live those out for myself and experience what he experienced what I wanted to. That quickly grew into hearing tales of several people's past and only hearing about the past.
The past this the past this it was always the fucking bloody past. Encounters, people met, what bars were like, what people were like, and what it was like back in their day. While meanwhile I was always stuck in the fucking present. Could never get enough of the past hearing about it, learning about it, history, and so desperately wanting to experience it and feel it for myself. Scared shittless when I finally did a scene and cried like a bitch during it and only got better at it the third and basically final time.
From what was a curiosity and learning from several different people, having many friends, and knowing lots of people led to a certain bitch and circumstances destroying everything and severing our ties from everyone. But before that I already grew tired and hurt of all the stories I heard and the things I couldn't do because of my age, not being 21, or being in school, or just the times not being like they were. I didn't know if I wanted the future but I knew I despised the present. The present haunted me and it felt like a hell. I would hide during meetings or when people came over eventually because hearing about leather and everything about it hurt. I couldn't stand it anymore I craved it, wanted it, and needed it so much I needed to throw it away. So I stepped back from everything by myself silently before Casey did. Even though I still had to go to certain things although I was physically there mentally I was absent.
And along the way I failed to realize that aspects of the relationship that were leather were faded and gone as well. Things I used to do such as "slave present" or kneeling in front of the door when Sir came home and only raising my head when he greeted me with a kiss. The servitude was quickly gone.
I've tried several times to remove the leather from me. But i can't. I want to throw it away so much and I wanted to before. But I quickly realized that I couldn't throw away leather because my heart is leather. I don't really know what leather was or is supposed to be. I don't know what the fuck old guard or any of that shit is really about but I can feel it. I don't know if it was always there or if some of it brought out. I might be a stubborn bastard and a bitch and rebellious. But because I rebel, because I refuse to do things, because I get pissed off or bitchy..it's because I care. It's because I have heart. It's almost like sometimes I have to remind myself I have a heart. At times I feel so distant from everything and everyone in this world. Everything feels like a blur or it's like everything and everyone else is going through the motions and I'm just still not going with them or against them but not doing anything either.
What the hell am I supposed to do. At a time when I would give out my ass to just about anyone and take about any load or cock...I met a leather man and reminded myself that I have some worth and decided to only give up my ass to men I find worthy or attracted to. And then when I was about to resign myself of ever wanting love or ever wanting to be needed and was about to just be a cumdump again and just drown myself in the lust, the pleasure, and let everything go I met him.
That bastard changed me. I trusted him and he tied up me up, gagged me, blindfolded me, used toys and fucked me and used me. Several times too. But there was something so natural about how my body responded to everything. About how I responded to everything. There was hesitance and there was fear but there was also desire. I can't explain it but when I felt my body being used and things being done to me especially by a sexy man it felt like an important part of me that I casted away and locked the door and threw away the key was opened. My core, the leather boy in me that so desperately wants to become a strong leather man, and my heart was opened once again.
There were a few encounters before that sparked it but a spark wasn't enough to set it free. That was Keith who did that. I felt so different after the first encounter and could no longer just take loads up my ass or cock in my ass. I actually wanted to have a connection with someone first. Even like actually..get to know someone and date them before taking it up the ass. Ideals that I haddn't thought about since before I met Casey and Michael.
And then I met Wayne and Don and went up to see them. I had a blast and I instantly fell for Wayne and Don. I felt like they were also a part of something I've been missing. I cried so much in the car ride from the airport. All my mind could do was flash back to Casey and Michael and us taking a trip and hearing Michael's goofy laugh and Casey laughing too or saying something like, "We love you boy.".
I broke down and couldn't take it and I cried silently not wanting Wayne and Don to know how I felt. But the next day it felt like I woke up from a long dream. Work, stress, everything disappeared. All I felt was peace, love, and happiness being with Wayne and Don and some remnants of my leather heart and self showed by kneeling at Wayne's feet or cuddling down by his feet.
The part of leather that I saw was at the very end helping Wayne with a sash. A hint of Wayne knowing about leather and realizing that he has knowledge and even heart. Well Wayne has a hell of a heart. A strong and kind one. But I can detect a beat of leather in there too. I don't know if he's shown it and I haven't noticed it or what it is. But I was so fucking proud of Wayne doing a leather contest the past weekend but also so damn jealous.
And one times in bed I did feel and experience a different side of Wayne. A bit darker and more of a dominant side. It took me by surprise and I didn't think he was serious until I heard his tone and looked at his eyes. But it was also the biggest turn on as well.
I just don't know how to feel about leather anymore. I'm not stupid and I don't say that someone isn't leather if they don't wear leather. Several people can probably have a leather heart or just a strong desire and interest in leather. But maybe it's more of some people can have leather hearts but not everyone embraces it. Not everyone realizes.
I don't want to be a 24/7 slave. I don't want to have a contract and I don't want to have no say. I like the daddy boy aspect. But I'll admit somewhere down the line I'd like a taste of that leather again. But I'd like it with Wayne..I'd like to feel his dominance, his power, and his will. But I wonder if I go down that line again will that be all I crave and will nothing else matter. I like vanilla and I like tenderness and love.
I just don't know. I can't grasp what leather is anymore. I feel like maybe I've never known what it is. But than again maybe I've missed a very important part of it. Someone once told me it's very much about attitude and sex. I might have the humbleness, the kindness, and the willingness and desire. But I don't have the sexual attitude or desire.
I'm lacking.
I'm not leather anymore. I'm not myself. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, and I'm a coward.
But more than anything. I just really fucking miss Wayne and Don and I love them. And being away from them..no talking to them frequently is more painful then not. At least by not talking to them for a while I can temporarily store them in another part of my mind and heart so I can actually get something done or not be so fucking depressed.
But dammit it's not fucking fair. But whatever I can't show my heart right now. I'm not strong enough to show it Wayne right now.
