Leather...Again

Heh. Way too long since I posted. Crappy work and such and being tired. But i've really been needing to post this one. Lots has happened recently especially over memorial day weekend and hell this week. But I need to back farther to a few saturday nights ago. It was important.

I was hanging out at starbucks mostly doing some job stuff and just relaxing. I called a leather couple to see how they were. I wanted to see what they were up to but part of me wanted to get together with them but was a tad bit nervous too because I know all it entails and that causes partial fear. But also, excitement as well. No answer so I decided oh well. I was sort of looking for a hook up since it was a while since I had sex. After I was a bit wired I decided to head to a local bar and grab a drink. I drank by myself like a normally do and said hi to the guy I always see there. Battery was low so I had my life support extra battery and got a few comments on that. One guy asked if I had porn on it. And another guy or two brushed against me and one came over to talk for a brief second. Strangely enough after I finished my one drink I was asked, "Where are you going?". My simple reply was, "Well I've had a drink, it's early, I don't have any plans so I'm heading out and going to decide what to do later.". They were impressed that I could have one drink.

I totally trump bar patrons :D

When I got to my car I got a voicemail from the couple so I called them back. We chatted briefly and they could tell I wanted to see them and play so we decided too. Unfortunately I had to rush to sam's to get a coffee maker for roomies birthday and then clean myself out. I was rushed and still pain back there from the fear of being cut and just fear in general. But I decided to go over anyways.

It was great seeing them again and dinner was really good and also really filling. They made me a drink but after dinner I realized I wasn't completely cleaned out. I was embarrassed. The only other time I had problems when cleaning out was the very first time I did it there was a little..water. I used the restroom and realized that there was no way I could get fucked. I immediately told the leather top embarrassed and ashamed. He told me it's okay and we don't have to fuck and we can just watch a movie and hang out. But then he did something. He made out with me and rubbed my cock, put my hand on his HARD cock and rubbed my hole. And asked, "What do you want boy?" I hesitated for a minute but then stated, "I want to clean myself out Sir." The portable douche I had got ruined..left it at someone's..think it was used for a booty bump...top was completely fucking flattened with one hole in it like it was melted or shaped that way. God knows what happened to it. Wasn't getting it anywhere near my ass.

He had one he let me use and after just one quick rinse I was all ready. I was amazed at how fast it took me but also fearful that it still hurt to release the water. They both came in the room and I got dressed in my leather. As usual, the top bound my arms, blindfolded me, and I put my mouth on his partner's cock and started sucking him. I felt his hard cock invading my ass and I shot a hard on so fast and even though I was scared and nervous I could feel my hole opening up. He gave me a hit of poppers and then I felt myself floating and felt completely relaxed and I felt his cock sink in completely. Not to mention he made me a cocktail prior to relax me..which I slammed out of nervousness.

I can't describe how fucking great it felt to have his huge cock fucking me and sucking his partners cock. Stomach was a little uneasy from drinking and poppers but I kept servicing his partner and enjoyed it. After he fucked me for a while I was put on my belly and his partner entered me from behind. It felt so damn good and I sucked the leather top off while his partner fucked me. I arched my back and fucked myself on his cock and very shortly he bred my ass. It felt so fucking hot. I cleaned his cock off and he left to go upstairs. The leather top loosened some of the binding around my arms and proceeded to fuck me. His partner opened me up some more and it was much easier taking him. I can't describe fully how fucking hot it felt when he was pounding my ass and the feeling of his raw cock taking my ass and his dominance and his will not only owning me but also bringing out my submissive and my core. I was bucking on his cock so hard and doing everything I could to get his cock. He kept calling me a horny fucker, a fag, a bitch, and then he said something haunting.

I need to start making a list of these haunting things he tells me during sex since they seem to stick each time.

He told me, "Boy, you'll never have a cock like this in your life. You'll never get fucked like this by anyone else and as big as me." He is really big. He has a beautiful thick cock. But it's not just the cock it's his attitude. His laid back, friendly, aggressive, and dominant attitude. I can only recall "ONCE" when I got fucked by someone like him and that was with a condom. As usual he made me admit it. You cannot lie or question when you are in the most submissive and open state of mind and having a very aggressive top use your ass. I admitted that he was right. And in some ways he might actually be. But I've still thought about that since we got together.

Needless to say he bred me. I was working his cock with my ass so much that he finally fucked shot his huge load inside me and bred me. He isn't a fast cummer. Afterwards I sucked him and cleaned off his dick and serviced his cock. I deep throated him and loved servicing his cock but I was still a little nervous. While I was deepthroating him or attempting to I felt something. I felt like I was going to literally throw up. I gagged saliva all over his cock and pulled off. And right behind I felt like I was going to throw up. He told me how fucking hot that was and had me jack his cock until he came. He explained that throw up probably was next but before that is saliva and that it made his dick so wet and excited him so much he came. Scared the shit out of me.

And then his usual taking off the rope, straps, and everything he has me bound in and the pressure and pain I feel from my dick when he removes them. We made out and I stayed close to him for a bit afterwards until I had to get dressed and go home since he worked the next day.

We usually get into a lot more bdsm and different types of play and things but we decided to go light this round. Glad we did because of the fact that I was more nervous than normal. But the fact that he was patient and understanding with me not being completely clean and let me atone for that. And just everything. But then again he understands. He is old guard after all. He knows what I've gone through and he's probably gone through even more. I guess, he also understands exactly how I think. Well then again he's told me he does. I definitely have to see him again. I'm still sort of scared how far he'll take me and how much he'll open up my mind and how he'll challenge me. But it also excites me so much..and much more than just my cock.

And also, I know I can feel my core when I'm with them.

Hotel Bear Breeding

Hoho I don't often get to post stories like this.

Well well...

So busy day at work and was tired, exhausted and so forth. Was thinking of making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, or doing something productive. Checked my phone since I left it at home by accident. Saw a few texts and one from a younger bear fuck buddy of mine. We've gotten together a few times and he's very agressive, dominant, verbal, and a rough fuck. He's stocky, has a lightly shaved beard on the side of his face going all the way around his face to his jaw and mustache. It's a light beard though but it's sexy as well. He's a damn good kisser as well a tad bit taller then me and stocky, beefy, with some muscle. Hot fucker.

So it was a few minutes to 6 and he wanted to get together at 7. I told myself, "I'm going for it." I quickly showered and prepared myself..which took more time than I wanted but I got it taken care of. And I set off.

I arrived at his hotel. As soon as I entered I apologized for being late. He told me how I was and told me it was okay. Now I've been tight back there for a while. After getting cut and somewhat traumatized. I got past  alot of it cleaning out today and what replaced it was horniness, my ass so hungry, so horny, and so ready and needing cock and me as well.

I immediately dropped to my knees and he unbuttoned his pants quickly and pulled them down and slammed my face on his dick. I was sucking, licking, making love to it, and slobbering on it like my life depended on it. I was so fucking horny and horny for this man. He was hard instantly and fucking my face and using my face as his personal pussy. Felt so fucking hot feeling his dick rape my mouth and salivating and sucking him while he fucked my face. That really drove him wild. He pulled off and told me he wanted to fuck me. I took off my shirt, and pants and got one hit of poppers in one nostril. He already had his cock at my hole and was pushing in while I was taking the poppers. I was so horny and in heat that I did not really need to poppers. He already pushed in and I took a hit of poppers and left it at that. Normally I try to inhale poppers more and keep them in but I diddn't care. He bent me over the bed and pounded me for a good while.

Calling me names like, "slut, bitch, whore, fag, and degrading me." I loved it. He held the poppers bottle over my nose and I took another hit and felt my ass really relax. He really started fucking me and even pulled all the way out and slammed it back in. I moaned and begged like a bitch for his cock everytime. He loved it. I got on all fours and he fucked me in that position as well. Not for long though. He bent me over the side of the bed again and pounded me some more. Then he wanted me on my back. I looked into his eyes as he shoved his raw hard cock inside me and my ass opened up as he fucked me. He kept degrading me, spitting on me, and even briefly made out with a few times. He really started to fuck me and I could feel his cock tearing my ass up and my hole starting to tighten up as well. He stopped briefly and pulled it all the way out again and back in and laughed while I whimpered and moaned. He told me how he wants my ass stretched and used. He was tearing up my ass that's for sure.

He pulled out and told me to straddle him on the couch. I did and I rode him. Fuck it felt good me fucking myself on his cock. He told me to pull off and get on my knees. He shoved his cock in my mouth and I swallowed his cum and ate it greedily. He wasn't done though. He pushed me back on the bed and shoved his cock back inside with a hard thrust and I milked his dick with my ass and he shot the rest of his load up my ass and fucked it deep inside. As soon as he pulled out I serviced him and cleaned off his cock. He thanked me and we rested for a minute and then showered.

...Wish we could have played more but he was busy. Still always great seeing him. Honestly I don't hook up alot anymore. I've starting getting together more with people I know then just strangers. So there is a little bit more of a connection and less randomness with me and sex. And I like it. But I won't lie. I was craving some anonymous cock and loads afterwards. Especially with his huge load in my ass. But I decided not tonight..

Backlog of stories is coming shortly. Look forward to it ;)

New Beginning

So I feel as though things are changing drastically. I said that June was when that change would really happen. But things never really go as planned. So this time is no different. I am at the end of my rope with work. So many changes, I'm being passed around from department to department and now working in a department I hate with a boss I hate and the work, stress, and temperature is unbearable and everything I went through in that department.

I'm done. So project initiate to get the fuck out my job is underway. I've been where I am for way too long. I have so much potential, so many skills, and so much I can do. I've wasted three years here but not anymore. Looking for health and clinics to go to is underway as well. And more work towards a career is pursuing as well. But monday is going to be the start of the end. So I'm working hard this weekend to find a job elsewhere so I can put in my two weeks notice.

Also as with my social life. I'm getting better at it. Using facebook more, a lot has happened so I want to blog more as well. I have three blogs and plan to balance and update all of them. I've had some fun recently too and fun encounters. So expect a fun post about that shortly.

I don't really know what kind of people read this blog or if they even care. But I've decided what this blog will be.

This blog will be about insight into my mind and life and things I can't share elsewhere and sex and hook ups.

So that's been decided. The weather is crappy but I'm drinking lots of coffee right now so I can get stuff done so I'm okay. LOL I feel like a college student at work right now and balancing everything. Who knows. Maybe I will be.

Who the hell am I?

Editor/sexy Admin Note: This might be one of the greatest blog posts I've ever made. That's probably pretty fucking pathetic and I'm damn proud of it. This might be the best insight into who I am and part of where I've been and where I came from and where i'm going. Hell this might be the most long, boring, winded, ranted introduction I've ever done. But it's probably one of the best too. Enjoy..or don't. 

Oh and LOLZ. That last part is a reference to a song. Just for the lulz. I hate being uber fucking serious. I'm a dick and I like to ruin it with something random and stupid. But not quite so childish. Warning. THIS IS FUCKING LONG.


Time is finally running out. I've been content and settled with where I am for too long. My education level, my job, my lack of a career, where I live and my roomate situation, health, and even some other areas as well. The whole reason I wanted to move out was so I could be more independant. That sort of got stunted with my roomate. After we had a slight falling out and I became poz I gained more independence, more responsibilities and I've done a lot more for myself. There is no question that I've grown so much after becoming poz in just month's time. I shouldn't deny that.

..Yet, I have big goals, big dreams, and a lot I want to do with my life. I'm basically burned out where I am. I can't really go higher I can't grow anymore if I stay on this current path. I'll just be going through the motions, I'll age, and I'll stay this way and it will kill me inside and I'll hate myself for it and a lot of what I like about me will more than likely change or disappear. I don't want that to happen. So these main topics right now that I have to face.

College/Education/Classes/Certification: 

Should I aim for this? I have a very strong natural desire and passion for computers, technology, media, and naturally adapt and learn with technology like a fucking genius. But hacking my phone, consoles, programs, all that is hobby geek shit right now. Is it time to take that further and develop that into a career? It will require classes, education, and certification. I might be able to bypass college and just do certification but I need to decide fully if I'll do that and not be half assed.

Poz/Health/Check Ups/Insurance/Medications:

I have no insurance. I have so little money and am struggling to get back on track right now so I can start saving money again. I'll be okay next month but the long term of medications/doctor visits/blood tests/and etc. I got HPV when I was 18. It was around $1000 out of pocket with the medication, visits, treatment, and etc. I cannot afford that again. I love bb sex I love taking it up the ass and taking ass. But there are risks associated with that. I'm also Poz now. So I need to decide if I decide to go on medications or not and if I'll do regulary doctor visits. How the fuck am I going to pay for it and will I need help like a free clinic or doctor or will I have to find my own insurance. This is important.

Bareback/Being Poz/Topping/Bottom/Submission/Leather/Sir/Master/Boyfriend?:

I'm a bareback leather poz boy right now. I've recently enjoyed topping. I have a leather couple I see regularly and really like them. I like being tied up, like giving my body and mind up to them, and I love being fucked bareback and used and BDSM. But it's more than that. I love what the leather culture represents, I love leather pride, spirit, and I love what I believe the leather community can be or is. But i've yet to really find it. Should I go back and try to find leathermen again and a leather community. Should I only fuck poz men and not neg guys? Should I STOP trying to be a submissive bottom and try to actually be more dominant top? I don't quite feel I've had my fill (lol) on bottoming and submission but part has been filled to where I can give back. I dreamed and still do of finding a leather Sir to give myself up to and serve him. Could I actually benefit from having a sort of part time submissive? I'm hella young for that but have more training than most. If I give myself up to a leather Sir should it be more like 24/7 where I'm his boy/pup/slave/bitch and I do what I'm told and what he wants and if he wants to whore or pimp me out I let him or would more of a boyfriend type relationship be better where we are both more equal. Or both?

I'll never be able to erase the desire, lust, and pride I have with leather. But that only goes stronger as I grow and that desire needs fulfillment. In some ways I think I might be a leather top one day but I don't quite feel I'm ready to actually start trying to be a dominant top or even have a regular boy to fuck and have serve me. But if I display more of myself, my heart, my pride, and my strength I think I might actually start attracting some. So it's something to think about. And as sex as whole. I've said I'm too low wage to afford taking care of STDs and medications. I already got cut on the ass and that was a scare and in some ways I want to only have sex with a few people but there slut and pig in me wants to give my ass up and have lots of men fuck and fill me. But how that's done, where that's done, and who decides that isn't so black and white. Right now deciding who to have sex with is. So should I wait on being a complete fucking bareback whore. Or pursue it? That trip to p-house I am dreaming of taking will really challenge that morale decision.

Escorting/Dancing/Stripping/Porn/Bartender/Adult Industry?:

It's no secret that I have nothing against the adult industry and I'm not ashamed that I escort. I've taken sort of a break from it so I can re-think things especially after being poz. Also being really tight right now I don't want to be desperate or think just about the money. I'd rather be more secure. I've had a chance to sell jello shots in a jock once and I loved it. Right now I might actually have a shot at trying out being a dancer. Even though I'm not muscular/abby/or the most desirable boy I have some things going for me. But I have a real chance to try it. Should I go for it or let it pass me right now? Don't think I'm quite ready for stripping but getting there. Porn would come after stripping. I would love to be a bartender. I love drinking, I love different types of alcohol and learning about alcohol, beers, wines, and etc. I love making drinks and l love going to bars and talking to random people and having fun and being social. I might be good at it. But I need some practice/experience before I can do it. And yes I would love to be a porn star. Don't know if for fun or full time.

But while all these are ways to make money. For me it's less about the money it's more about fun, being young, dumb, and full of cum :D. I like escorting I find it fun and I like meeting different guys and it's hot. I also love servicing men in different ways and learning more about them. I like to dance..by myself I'm not the best dancer but I know how to shake and work my ass. Maybe not professionally but I don't wanna be a snob or prick. I just want to have fun and be cute and sexy. Same goes for stripping. And porn it would be so much fun to have it filmed and that would even be hotter knowing I'm getting guys off. Bartending I'd love to make new friends, meet new people and even help people and see people regularly. And provide their drinks. And yes I would love to get into the adult industry. Treasure Island would be the dream one. Fucking/sucking/piss/watersports/leather/bondage/anonymous/cum dump all on camera and having people actually admire it and truly enjoy it and doing lots of films or as many as I can get. That would be hella fun.

Friendly/Family/Exes/People/Stranger/Communication:

It's also no secret I'm bad at communicating at times. I'm at a loss for words sometimes and can't quite express what I want to say or feel. I'm awkwardly social sometimes. But the worse is when i make a friend or meet someone and we just lose touch. Whether I forget to respond to text/email or they do it just fades away. But it's never really a serious connection for it to be truly severed. But it's never really gotten back either. It's regretful. It's mostly because of the stressful job I have right now and how it sucks everything out me and leaves me hollow and empty and I come home and there is nothing left. And weekends I'm mostly drained too. But it's also me. But that needs to change. I need to get better at communication. As for my family. I don't really get along with my family except my dad. So to even consider them a priority would be stretching that. I need to really decide what kind of relationship I want to have with them. My exes. I've settled things with my former Sir. But for my former brother. We get together now and hang out/we've played a few times too still but I know he'd rather us just be friends. But I might very well move back with him to help him out and because we are really good friends and like brothers. I'll always be his brother/lover/ex/friend. But I need to decide what I want him to be and what I want to be to him right now. It's only fair for both of us. To decide if we should still have sex or just not altogether. He's had a lot more sex on his own which I greatly encourage and want. And I still want to have sex with him. But it's not that type of relationship anymore. And it's sort of awkward if we do it just because we are horny because that can bring up old feelings and that's not fair to do to him since he's in the middle of his divorce with his former Sir and mine right now and he needs to grow and find a partner of his own. As do I. But I need to talk to him about that and make it clear.

Besides. As much as I love what we used to be and used to have. I want us to both be damn strong friends as men. Even though I'll always be his brother inside and he'll be mine.

Stress/Work:

Okay, I've got to get my stress down. It's literally tearing me down at work and stripping me of natural skills, behavior and attitude I have and replacing it with something hollow. It is going to be a serious downfall on my health if it continues and if I don't take meds it will make being poz so much harder and it will eventually be my downfall. And as for work. I NEED TO FUCKING FIND A JOB THAT'S GOOD FOR ME. I don't care that the economy is bad. It's no excuse to be mistreated at a job and afraid at your job because the boss is a dick. I know all bosses can be dicks but some take it too far. I need to find a better job OR if I do stay at this job (PLEASE NO GOD) I need to decide how I am going to deal with it each and every day and the bullshit so it doesn't kill me and I remain strong and myself.

Gaming/Youtube/Android/Blogging/Internet:

When I was younger I was online a lot. I had lots of friends online we MSN'ed and YIM'ed and even rpged on forums sometimes. I was so much of a gamer back then too it was fun to play against friends online, voice chat, and etc. We might have been miles apart but we still talked about random shit, stupid shit, and our personal shit. They were friends. I won't ever deny that even if tempermental friends. I used to blog so much I was really good at it and people liked it. I'm a gewd writer and I noes it. I love youtube. I love android and gaming. There are so many games I play, things I do with my phone, tablet, that I could easily make videos of. Instructional videos, tutorials, reviews, and so much more. I could be online more and put myself out there. I already am on the sexual side but not on the human side. Well the blog is a start. It would be fun to. I like the contribute. I could contribute to android a lot more too and actually try developing and try my own hacks. In other words. Somewhat of internet fame presence. Not like numa numa or HIDE YA KIDS HIDE YA WIFE. Just a regular (not so fucking regular) asian/latin geek nerd that is a gamer/technology geek/ and somewhat funny and opionated. So the question is. Should I do more of that. If I make that third blog I'll already be moving in that direction. I've yet to do that though.

Travelling/Bars/Food/Cooking:

I'll admit I want to have somewhat relatable hobbies. I've started cooking now. I totally suck at it and only like asian food. But I need to expend. I so desperately want to fucking travel. I want to go to Ft. Lauderdale/Chicago/North Carolina/Augusta/TN/Seattle/LA/Texas and events like IML, MAL, CLAW, SMOKEOUT, Timberfell and try some of these runs/parties/events like mardi gras/cinco de mayo/st. patricks day/october fest. Basically events DONE FUCKING RIGHT.

I want to go to more bars and know people there. I want to be welcomed when I enter and not always be a stranger. At least have ONE home base. Not just always be a random drifter stranger. And yes I want bar anonymous sex or going home with a guy/him going home with me/and if he's worth it staying the night/or having him stay the night.

Afterthoughts:

Basically. I WANT TO LIVE. I want to live my fucking life the way I want to. I want to have fun, be nerdy, be queer, be proud, be loud, be offensive, be a bastard, be smart, be dumb, be cool, be lame, I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING I CAN BE. And that's so much because really I have potential to be ALL OF THESE. I did not just pull these out of my ass. These are traits/interests/skills/things I already have. Not all of them are my core, some are growing, some are stronger than others, and some need a little flame or spark. But ALL THESE exist in me and make me who I am.

But there are so many things holding me back right now. Stress/fear/insecurity/judgement/shame/guilt/regret/nervousness/worry/doubt/depression/failure and etc. I have all these mental blocks that some of which are from living and a lot of which I created. I've always told myself when I was younger I wanna be strong, I wanna be liked, I wanna be a cool loser and I want to be happy. I'm not happy where I am right now. I fucking hate where I am. I hate my job, I hate the stress, I hate that I'm fearful and I can't stand being that person anymore. How can I be such a weak person when I know there is a such a strength inside that's trying to burst out. I can't ignore that. But if I do these I can't do things the easy way anymore. I can't be that lazy, forgetful, absent minded, unreliable, weak, scared, boy that I am right now. If I stay like this I'll never even come close to reaching my goals/dreams/happiness. I can't even say I fucking tried. I might fucking fail but if I at least try. Even if I lose everything, it goes really bad, and I become nothing. I already had a back up plan for that anyways.

Actually a few weeks ago I wanted to run away. I was ready to submit to any man and just be his live in bitch and not have freedoms or a life of my own just so I'd be somewhere safe, fed, and away from all my problems fears and never having to worry about college/education/careers/life I wanted to run away from it all. I won't lie there is a part of me that still does want to run away. There is part of me that's still crying, still hurt, still lonely, still scared, and still wants to shut the eyes from the world and just leave everything and run away. Even if there is nothing for me nowhere to go just keep going and going and what lies beyond that doesn't matter because it's better than this hell and life I'm in now. I know I don't have it the worst. But I hate being trapped in my own hell.

So now that I've acknowledged what I need to think about and what I need to decide let's ask myself who I am currently.

I'm strong, I'm scared, I'm brave, I'm nervous, I'm a barebacker, I'm poz, I'm gay, I'm leather, I'm a geek, nerd, gamer, social drinker, bastard, offensive, lazy, forgetful, and somewhat of a push over. But I am humble. And I've been told so many times when people say "You are very humble." I really like that. I think that's one of my favorite qualities about me.

So as I said at first. The time to decide is near. The time to stop running is closer each and every day. And the time where I need to decide what the fuck I'm going to do with my life, who I'm going to be, and if I'm going to OWN my life and take control of it or let it control me is just around the corner. What is decided is that I WILL NO MATTER WHAT find a way very soon to take a weekend maybe even a day or two off or work. To maybe parliament house, tennessee, or somewhere that means something to me that's closeby. But I'd rather go to ft. lauderdale. So I can get away from atlanta, from the stress, from the worry so I can release all the mental blocks and be free and able to choose and decide. But I really want to do it at p-house so I can test my bareback/slut/sex morale too. Because that is something I want to find out as well.

I might be in hell this month. I won't really be able to go out, eat out, I'll make my meals even if they suck, and I won't be able to drink. But what's one month in hell in exchange to break free from hell and forge my own life and own life path. I'll gladly sacrifice a month for that.

No matter what I decide in June and on my trip. I WILL NOT DO IT HALF ASSED. I will not quit or run from what I decide. I'll give it 110% percent and use all my heart, spirit, strength, and will. That's why no matter what I decide. It will actually happen. That's why writing this means so much. Because I already know what I decide is what I can really be. Whether it's everything, some things, nothing, or staying where I am. It will all be my decision and not just a whim. That might not be who I am right now. But that's who I'll be.

...Imma be.

(lolz)

Do you wanna dance?

So, I did something I don't normally do on monday night. I think it's safe to say that everyone has fantasies. Everyone has things they want to do but are afraid to even admit it, let alone go off and try it. There are also things that most of us know wouldn't really work out but it sits in the back of the mind. But we think, "In another world, a different life? Could I be this person? Could I do this?"

In that regards. I have been known to try other worlds and other things and come to more of a realization of who I am. Example, leather, barebacking, and etc.

I've never really been into pretty boys, guys like myself, and fit and dancer looking boys. However, despite the fact that they might not quite get my jollies off there is alot I admire about those boys. The fact that regardless of what stereotype you want to associate them with and even their personality. They are who they are. They know they have great bodies and aren't afraid to show off, tease, and let the world see it.

I've been to bars several times and every time I go to a type of dance go-go bar or strip club I watch the boys dance. I ask myself, "Could I do that?", "Am I good enough?", "Am I attractive enough?" This is why I don't like to go to strip joints too often. However, I did get a brief taste of this sort of once. I did sell jello shots at a bar in my jockstrap to help a group out. It was fun and I made quite a bit. All of which I gave back to the organization. Some might think that stripping is about making ends meat, extra cash, hustling, or surviving. They have their reasons for that. But when I was in my jockstrap and had the tray of shots I did it for fun. I did it to feel sexy and good about myself. I did it to help the group too. While most of the boys partied and had fun at the event before the evening I took a nap to rest myself. I stayed out the latest and was determined. Even though I got flat out rejected at times and one asshole even said, "Oh no I've had too much so I can't have anymore."..and then buys a trayful from a ginger boy who (looked fucking sexy as hell) asked on a whim.

But I had fun and I'd do it again. Hell I even won the best jockstrap contest at the bar. So I definitely have some sex appeal. I just need to focus on that more and feel more confident..

TO THE ACTUAL POINT OF THE TOPIC

I saw in ad in a magazine on sunday. Apparently a bar was planning to do amatuer contest on monday. I asked my roomate what it was about and he had a pretty good hypothesis which was proved correct later. Basically, a chance to dance at a bar as a go go boy, show my stuff, see if I could actually attract customers, and compete with the boys.

I wasn't sure to even attempt but roomate recommended it and a good friend of mine also told me. He really complimented me and it made me feel happy. I got two recommendations. Well a third too. I called on monday to ask and it sounded as if it was up in the air. Regardless, I was going to go through with it and try it. I polished my pair of leather boots very well and cleaned them too. I felt happy again to have a reason to polish and clean my leather..I miss those days. I wore a very sexy underwear that a friend gave me for my birthday and a cock ring. I wore a tight shirt and I was off. I was nervous when we got there but asked the DJ and was told to just wait until the owner comes later.

I should note that I did have a shot of evan williams before I set out to relax myself which helped. I ordered a cape cod (one of my favorites) and tried to anticipate what would happen. A dancer or two approached me and I explained why I was there and they left as soon as I said it. It was fine with me I'm not really money bags right now. One of the dancers who me and my roomate has seen before talked with us. He actually told me about what it was like for him when he did amatuer contest a few years back and told me all about it.

It was just as my roomate said. It sounded hella fucking scary but also damn exciting. The owner came and I talked with him. One thing I noticed was he immediately noticed me when I was over there and gave me direct eye contact and signaled me that it was okay to approach him. He was talking with someone else at first. I stated who I was and what I was there for. He explained that because of Cinco De Mayo that it might not happen and he needs at least 4 other contestants. He added that if I am looking for a job that I can fill out an application and have an interview with him.

I'll probably smack myself for this but I nervously cut him off and said I'm here for the contest. Long story short, I waited for another hour and went to talk with him again. Once again, he treated me with extreme courtesy and I don't know. Just something about the way he greeted me again was very polite and warming. He told me it wasn't going to happen and he actually apologized for it. But he insisted that I come back next week. I've heard that people sometimes like persistence. Maybe I'm reading into this too much but I actually have a feeling that he wants me to come back.

So now for the reasons why I'd turn down a chance to apply is this. Some of the boys did approach us during the evening. Some of the ways they approached us reminded me of hustlers or just being treated as meat or a wallet. I might be an escort. But one thing I pride myself in is I'm not a hustler. I don't go out and seek that from men. I put myself out there and allow them to contact me if they wish. And in that area I've actually taken sort of a break from that. That is one of my concerns if I were to be a dancer. Feeling pressured to hustle customers or not treat them like people. I'm not naive to believe that good values and integrity will you get you fat cash. There is somewhat sacrifice in taking that road. Those who lie, who are dishonest, who manipulate and use others actually do go far. But no matter how far it takes them even if they are above me and for the rest of my life I'm just on the bottom and have a very low paying job.

I would rather be myself then even dream for a minute to throw that all away just to try and get ahead. I'd rather be poor and stupid then rich and ignorant. Hehe I probably got too personal with that.

The reason why I want to do this contest is for a night I'd get to experience what it's like to be a dancer and not have to worry about having to make enough in a night or feel pressured with the way the other guys work. I can do it for fun, to feel sexy, feel admired, and even get to fulfill a fantasy. I know I'm not a dream guy. But I ain't the worst and I do have some things going for me besides just youth. Plus, I'll either be competitive and I like contests and trying to win or I'll just do it for fun. Or both.

But I've talked about this enough. The real question is this. Should I go back on monday and try again. If I go I'll need to make damn sure I get a haircut. This facial hair I'm growing. Not everyone likes it, it's not full or complete and a little scruffy. But it's a good representation on how I feel right now. Incomplete, not a boy, but trying to become a man, but not confident or complete enough to make it happen or take action. But with the high and tight flat top I get. I sort of feel like transformed when I look in the mirror. I feel more disciplined, stronger, and more confident.

But I'll see if anyone thinks I should try again or not. I can't help but wonder if I'll almost get tested a few times before the contest actually happens. But if nothing else. That owner has very interesting qualities and his attitude and behavior is very warming. Just seeing him again would be nice.

Post fail/Update

So...the post I just made was actually from two days ago. It was a little bit before I went to work I admit. I posted something on another blog of mine fine. But when I tried to post on this one I got some bullshit error. I tried to look it up and find out what it meant. Logged out and logged back in and tried some other stuff. No go.

So, it couldn't be helped.

Also in terms of an update. I still owe that entry I was mentioning earlier. It's been kind of a lax week. Monday was crazy and I was crazy nervous. Tuesday was more relaxing with some midnight-ish shopping.

And today..I just fucked around when I got home and jacked off for several hours. Then, I cooked the rest of the rice noodles I had and ate them all. And I went back to jacking off. And now I'm back at the computer. I won't lie. I'm pretty fucking horny lately. And it would be nice to get off in a hot ass but I am trying to get some other stuff done right now. But failing.

Also not sleeping the best either. Maybe averaging 4 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky. Just lots of stuff on my mind, lots of stuff I want to get done, lots of things I want to do, don't want to do, things I want to decide on, and don't want to, places I want to be and don't want to be, and someone I want to be but don't want to be.

But that will be focussed for another post. Onto dancing..

It's me or you

Okay, so this was meant to be posted over the weekend. But I had a pretty busy weekend. I do have something much more related to this blog to post after work as well.

...Well most people who know me know that I'm not the most comfortable with  my job. No growth, no chance to actually work for the company and we are basically just hired labor that they can dismiss on a whim or at the drop of a hat. I've known this for a long time. We get temps in sometimes and surprisingly recently it was a guy. He's a pretty cool guy and we've chatted a few times and passed the time at work and bullshitted even. He seems to be a pretty hard worker too. It was my hope that he'd stay as a permanent temp (best you can get where I work..which is what I am) but I found out the other day otherwise. I found out that my manager was trying to decide between me and him. She told me the manager really likes me and she recommended me over him. She just told me to keep working hard. I know he hated the job more than I do and he has barely been here. I see it in his eyes but I also know he's lonely. He has done more isolated work recently. But when I was told about this the following week he wasn't there. 

It's pretty obvious who was chosen. I'm still here right? But it's kinda sad. It would have been nice for there to be someone who I could relate more to and a guy for that matter. Since everyone in the department is a woman. But it's more than that. On friday while I was cutting books something happened. Don't know if it was just from extreme frustration but all of a sudden in my head I had flashbacks. Flashbacks of me first working there, meeting friends I know there now, certain things happening, working in warehouse, leaving, coming back back, and while everything was so vivid it ended with me being where I was standing there cutting books. It was kinda freaky. Not only that but certain people I knew also got sort of spotlighted. It's like they were a slideshow or something. Any and all memories of them was projected in my mind. It was kind of creative too.

Everything went in a timeline (no not like facebook) and people in that timeline got spotlighted. But I questioned which I haven't in a long time, "Why am I still here?" After everything that's happened I'm still there. I feel like a beaten horse sometimes. I know that a lot of people don't know why they are still there too. Is it for comfort or security?

But that weighed heavily on me near the end of the day. I sort of went ghost too and ignored everyone for the remainder of the day and left silently. This ties in to the next post that I'll post after work. 

Oriental and Tacos

So after I got done with my fuck bud the other night I was hungry. I called a friend for some food advice. Being tight this month I wanted to find a way to make cheaper meals that were still good.

I was close to the hong kong market so decided to go there. I was in love. It's been a while since I've been. So many yummy rices/ramens/pastas/noodles and they are dirt cheap. I got a few packets of udon, ramen, rice, and different type of pastas. I got some sauces and I was really hesitant on the vegetables. I ended up getting some shiitake mushrooms and bean sprouts. Wanted to get shrimp or chicken but don't know enough about the best price and where to buy that. So I held off on that.

I left and went to the ansley kroger. I like that kroger. I ended up getting two bags of frozen P&D cooked shrimp, salmon burgers, bread, and tons of frozen veggies.

I got home around 11:30pm and I made two packets of shrimp udon. I was going to just simply do that but read online about stir frying udon. I cooked the shrimp, used some of my sesame oil I just got, sesame seeds, soy sauce and set it aside. Cooked the noodles, added some fresh veggies I got at kroger, mushrooms, and cooked everything until it was nice and hot.

It was delicious...but I think I used a little too much teriyaki  I was looking more of a sauce texture. But oh well. Live and learn. Also, I think shiitake taste better in soups then stir fried. It's a bit of a bitter taste. But still good.

The relevance with me doing this is after I became poz a few weeks ago I had a falling out with my roomate and decided I'd do my own grocery shopping and cook my own meals and do more things on my own and focus on being stronger and less dependant. And since then I haven't eaten a single thing he's cooked. My philosophy was I either starve to death by not knowing how to cook or not cooking or learn to cook. And it's working.

Oh and tacos? I was fucking craving tacos like mad last night. But settled on drinking instead.

..Taco taco..taco flavored kisses.

Oral

Yay I can finally post this. OH and it's a relevant hook up to this blog too. So two days ago a good top friend of mine and me agreed to meet at a friend's house since he can't really host. I got over there a little early before him. I've had some pains back there recently so we decided not to fuck this time. He comes over and I come to the door and greet him. We immediately make out as soon as he enters the door. He tells me, "On your knees boy" and I start servicing his hard cock. I hear the dog coming down the stairs though and realize I need to feed him. I feed him quickly and we go into the kitchen. We make out a bit more and he tells me to strip. I strip for him and he tell me to spread em and bend over.

He looks at my ass and slaps it and tells me to get on my knees. I go back to servicing his cock. He fucks my face for a while and tells me what a good slut I am. He picks me up and grabs my hand and leads me over to the couch. He gets on the couch and lays there spread out and looking sexy as hell. I service him some more, lick his balls, pits, and chest. He tells me to eat his ass. I'm not always big on eating out a top but I smelled his ass crack and I smelled his natural man smell scent and dove in. I went crazy sniffing it and getting my tongue back there and fucking his ass with my tongue. Fuck his ass felt good, nice, tight, and wet. I fingered him a little while I was sucking him and I could tell he was overloaded. It took everything to not pull my finger out and shove my rock hard cock in him. But patience..that will happen when it happens. I blew him and he shot a huge load. I greedily at his load and licked up around his crotch. I cleaned him off and we took a break. I got a personal pan pizza on the way and we split the pizza and caught up.

Afterwards we made out some more and went back to sex. I went back to sucking him but I told him, "Sir I really want to eat your ass." He got on his belly and on his knees and I ate as his ass some more. Fuck it tasted so good. He was definitely clean back there. I fingered him a little too and again I wanted to shove my cock in him so fucking bad. But I resisted it. I fingered him a bit but he told me to go back to sucking him. I layed on my back and he hovered over my face and fucked my face. He kept saying what a good cock sucker I am and how fucking good it felt. We got on the couch side by side and we decided we'd both jack off side by side. I made out with him while we groped each others cock and while I stroked him. He came shortly and he shot a huge load. I once again, slurped, licked, and savored his cum, and ate the cum he feed me from his hands. I jacked off next to him and came as well. Like usual we both took a shower together and cleaned up. He had to go afterwards but I had lots of fun. Can't wait to see him again. Would like him to fuck me again too and would like to fuck him. Both will probably happen soon