Okay, so this was meant to be posted over the weekend. But I had a pretty busy weekend. I do have something much more related to this blog to post after work as well.
...Well most people who know me know that I'm not the most comfortable with my job. No growth, no chance to actually work for the company and we are basically just hired labor that they can dismiss on a whim or at the drop of a hat. I've known this for a long time. We get temps in sometimes and surprisingly recently it was a guy. He's a pretty cool guy and we've chatted a few times and passed the time at work and bullshitted even. He seems to be a pretty hard worker too. It was my hope that he'd stay as a permanent temp (best you can get where I work..which is what I am) but I found out the other day otherwise. I found out that my manager was trying to decide between me and him. She told me the manager really likes me and she recommended me over him. She just told me to keep working hard. I know he hated the job more than I do and he has barely been here. I see it in his eyes but I also know he's lonely. He has done more isolated work recently. But when I was told about this the following week he wasn't there.
It's pretty obvious who was chosen. I'm still here right? But it's kinda sad. It would have been nice for there to be someone who I could relate more to and a guy for that matter. Since everyone in the department is a woman. But it's more than that. On friday while I was cutting books something happened. Don't know if it was just from extreme frustration but all of a sudden in my head I had flashbacks. Flashbacks of me first working there, meeting friends I know there now, certain things happening, working in warehouse, leaving, coming back back, and while everything was so vivid it ended with me being where I was standing there cutting books. It was kinda freaky. Not only that but certain people I knew also got sort of spotlighted. It's like they were a slideshow or something. Any and all memories of them was projected in my mind. It was kind of creative too.
Everything went in a timeline (no not like facebook) and people in that timeline got spotlighted. But I questioned which I haven't in a long time, "Why am I still here?" After everything that's happened I'm still there. I feel like a beaten horse sometimes. I know that a lot of people don't know why they are still there too. Is it for comfort or security?
But that weighed heavily on me near the end of the day. I sort of went ghost too and ignored everyone for the remainder of the day and left silently. This ties in to the next post that I'll post after work.
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