So, I did something I don't normally do on monday night. I think it's safe to say that everyone has fantasies. Everyone has things they want to do but are afraid to even admit it, let alone go off and try it. There are also things that most of us know wouldn't really work out but it sits in the back of the mind. But we think, "In another world, a different life? Could I be this person? Could I do this?"
In that regards. I have been known to try other worlds and other things and come to more of a realization of who I am. Example, leather, barebacking, and etc.
I've never really been into pretty boys, guys like myself, and fit and dancer looking boys. However, despite the fact that they might not quite get my jollies off there is alot I admire about those boys. The fact that regardless of what stereotype you want to associate them with and even their personality. They are who they are. They know they have great bodies and aren't afraid to show off, tease, and let the world see it.
I've been to bars several times and every time I go to a type of dance go-go bar or strip club I watch the boys dance. I ask myself, "Could I do that?", "Am I good enough?", "Am I attractive enough?" This is why I don't like to go to strip joints too often. However, I did get a brief taste of this sort of once. I did sell jello shots at a bar in my jockstrap to help a group out. It was fun and I made quite a bit. All of which I gave back to the organization. Some might think that stripping is about making ends meat, extra cash, hustling, or surviving. They have their reasons for that. But when I was in my jockstrap and had the tray of shots I did it for fun. I did it to feel sexy and good about myself. I did it to help the group too. While most of the boys partied and had fun at the event before the evening I took a nap to rest myself. I stayed out the latest and was determined. Even though I got flat out rejected at times and one asshole even said, "Oh no I've had too much so I can't have anymore."..and then buys a trayful from a ginger boy who (looked fucking sexy as hell) asked on a whim.
But I had fun and I'd do it again. Hell I even won the best jockstrap contest at the bar. So I definitely have some sex appeal. I just need to focus on that more and feel more confident..
TO THE ACTUAL POINT OF THE TOPIC
I saw in ad in a magazine on sunday. Apparently a bar was planning to do amatuer contest on monday. I asked my roomate what it was about and he had a pretty good hypothesis which was proved correct later. Basically, a chance to dance at a bar as a go go boy, show my stuff, see if I could actually attract customers, and compete with the boys.
I wasn't sure to even attempt but roomate recommended it and a good friend of mine also told me. He really complimented me and it made me feel happy. I got two recommendations. Well a third too. I called on monday to ask and it sounded as if it was up in the air. Regardless, I was going to go through with it and try it. I polished my pair of leather boots very well and cleaned them too. I felt happy again to have a reason to polish and clean my leather..I miss those days. I wore a very sexy underwear that a friend gave me for my birthday and a cock ring. I wore a tight shirt and I was off. I was nervous when we got there but asked the DJ and was told to just wait until the owner comes later.
I should note that I did have a shot of evan williams before I set out to relax myself which helped. I ordered a cape cod (one of my favorites) and tried to anticipate what would happen. A dancer or two approached me and I explained why I was there and they left as soon as I said it. It was fine with me I'm not really money bags right now. One of the dancers who me and my roomate has seen before talked with us. He actually told me about what it was like for him when he did amatuer contest a few years back and told me all about it.
It was just as my roomate said. It sounded hella fucking scary but also damn exciting. The owner came and I talked with him. One thing I noticed was he immediately noticed me when I was over there and gave me direct eye contact and signaled me that it was okay to approach him. He was talking with someone else at first. I stated who I was and what I was there for. He explained that because of Cinco De Mayo that it might not happen and he needs at least 4 other contestants. He added that if I am looking for a job that I can fill out an application and have an interview with him.
I'll probably smack myself for this but I nervously cut him off and said I'm here for the contest. Long story short, I waited for another hour and went to talk with him again. Once again, he treated me with extreme courtesy and I don't know. Just something about the way he greeted me again was very polite and warming. He told me it wasn't going to happen and he actually apologized for it. But he insisted that I come back next week. I've heard that people sometimes like persistence. Maybe I'm reading into this too much but I actually have a feeling that he wants me to come back.
So now for the reasons why I'd turn down a chance to apply is this. Some of the boys did approach us during the evening. Some of the ways they approached us reminded me of hustlers or just being treated as meat or a wallet. I might be an escort. But one thing I pride myself in is I'm not a hustler. I don't go out and seek that from men. I put myself out there and allow them to contact me if they wish. And in that area I've actually taken sort of a break from that. That is one of my concerns if I were to be a dancer. Feeling pressured to hustle customers or not treat them like people. I'm not naive to believe that good values and integrity will you get you fat cash. There is somewhat sacrifice in taking that road. Those who lie, who are dishonest, who manipulate and use others actually do go far. But no matter how far it takes them even if they are above me and for the rest of my life I'm just on the bottom and have a very low paying job.
I would rather be myself then even dream for a minute to throw that all away just to try and get ahead. I'd rather be poor and stupid then rich and ignorant. Hehe I probably got too personal with that.
The reason why I want to do this contest is for a night I'd get to experience what it's like to be a dancer and not have to worry about having to make enough in a night or feel pressured with the way the other guys work. I can do it for fun, to feel sexy, feel admired, and even get to fulfill a fantasy. I know I'm not a dream guy. But I ain't the worst and I do have some things going for me besides just youth. Plus, I'll either be competitive and I like contests and trying to win or I'll just do it for fun. Or both.
But I've talked about this enough. The real question is this. Should I go back on monday and try again. If I go I'll need to make damn sure I get a haircut. This facial hair I'm growing. Not everyone likes it, it's not full or complete and a little scruffy. But it's a good representation on how I feel right now. Incomplete, not a boy, but trying to become a man, but not confident or complete enough to make it happen or take action. But with the high and tight flat top I get. I sort of feel like transformed when I look in the mirror. I feel more disciplined, stronger, and more confident.
But I'll see if anyone thinks I should try again or not. I can't help but wonder if I'll almost get tested a few times before the contest actually happens. But if nothing else. That owner has very interesting qualities and his attitude and behavior is very warming. Just seeing him again would be nice.
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