Editor/sexy Admin Note: This might be one of the greatest blog posts I've ever made. That's probably pretty fucking pathetic and I'm damn proud of it. This might be the best insight into who I am and part of where I've been and where I came from and where i'm going. Hell this might be the most long, boring, winded, ranted introduction I've ever done. But it's probably one of the best too. Enjoy..or don't.
Oh and LOLZ. That last part is a reference to a song. Just for the lulz. I hate being uber fucking serious. I'm a dick and I like to ruin it with something random and stupid. But not quite so childish. Warning. THIS IS FUCKING LONG.
Time is finally running out. I've been content and settled with where I am for too long. My education level, my job, my lack of a career, where I live and my roomate situation, health, and even some other areas as well. The whole reason I wanted to move out was so I could be more independant. That sort of got stunted with my roomate. After we had a slight falling out and I became poz I gained more independence, more responsibilities and I've done a lot more for myself. There is no question that I've grown so much after becoming poz in just month's time. I shouldn't deny that.
..Yet, I have big goals, big dreams, and a lot I want to do with my life. I'm basically burned out where I am. I can't really go higher I can't grow anymore if I stay on this current path. I'll just be going through the motions, I'll age, and I'll stay this way and it will kill me inside and I'll hate myself for it and a lot of what I like about me will more than likely change or disappear. I don't want that to happen. So these main topics right now that I have to face.
College/Education/Classes/Certification:
Should I aim for this? I have a very strong natural desire and passion for computers, technology, media, and naturally adapt and learn with technology like a fucking genius. But hacking my phone, consoles, programs, all that is hobby geek shit right now. Is it time to take that further and develop that into a career? It will require classes, education, and certification. I might be able to bypass college and just do certification but I need to decide fully if I'll do that and not be half assed.
Poz/Health/Check Ups/Insurance/Medications:
I have no insurance. I have so little money and am struggling to get back on track right now so I can start saving money again. I'll be okay next month but the long term of medications/doctor visits/blood tests/and etc. I got HPV when I was 18. It was around $1000 out of pocket with the medication, visits, treatment, and etc. I cannot afford that again. I love bb sex I love taking it up the ass and taking ass. But there are risks associated with that. I'm also Poz now. So I need to decide if I decide to go on medications or not and if I'll do regulary doctor visits. How the fuck am I going to pay for it and will I need help like a free clinic or doctor or will I have to find my own insurance. This is important.
Bareback/Being Poz/Topping/Bottom/Submission/Leather/Sir/Master/Boyfriend?:
I'm a bareback leather poz boy right now. I've recently enjoyed topping. I have a leather couple I see regularly and really like them. I like being tied up, like giving my body and mind up to them, and I love being fucked bareback and used and BDSM. But it's more than that. I love what the leather culture represents, I love leather pride, spirit, and I love what I believe the leather community can be or is. But i've yet to really find it. Should I go back and try to find leathermen again and a leather community. Should I only fuck poz men and not neg guys? Should I STOP trying to be a submissive bottom and try to actually be more dominant top? I don't quite feel I've had my fill (lol) on bottoming and submission but part has been filled to where I can give back. I dreamed and still do of finding a leather Sir to give myself up to and serve him. Could I actually benefit from having a sort of part time submissive? I'm hella young for that but have more training than most. If I give myself up to a leather Sir should it be more like 24/7 where I'm his boy/pup/slave/bitch and I do what I'm told and what he wants and if he wants to whore or pimp me out I let him or would more of a boyfriend type relationship be better where we are both more equal. Or both?
I'll never be able to erase the desire, lust, and pride I have with leather. But that only goes stronger as I grow and that desire needs fulfillment. In some ways I think I might be a leather top one day but I don't quite feel I'm ready to actually start trying to be a dominant top or even have a regular boy to fuck and have serve me. But if I display more of myself, my heart, my pride, and my strength I think I might actually start attracting some. So it's something to think about. And as sex as whole. I've said I'm too low wage to afford taking care of STDs and medications. I already got cut on the ass and that was a scare and in some ways I want to only have sex with a few people but there slut and pig in me wants to give my ass up and have lots of men fuck and fill me. But how that's done, where that's done, and who decides that isn't so black and white. Right now deciding who to have sex with is. So should I wait on being a complete fucking bareback whore. Or pursue it? That trip to p-house I am dreaming of taking will really challenge that morale decision.
Escorting/Dancing/Stripping/Porn/Bartender/Adult Industry?:
It's no secret that I have nothing against the adult industry and I'm not ashamed that I escort. I've taken sort of a break from it so I can re-think things especially after being poz. Also being really tight right now I don't want to be desperate or think just about the money. I'd rather be more secure. I've had a chance to sell jello shots in a jock once and I loved it. Right now I might actually have a shot at trying out being a dancer. Even though I'm not muscular/abby/or the most desirable boy I have some things going for me. But I have a real chance to try it. Should I go for it or let it pass me right now? Don't think I'm quite ready for stripping but getting there. Porn would come after stripping. I would love to be a bartender. I love drinking, I love different types of alcohol and learning about alcohol, beers, wines, and etc. I love making drinks and l love going to bars and talking to random people and having fun and being social. I might be good at it. But I need some practice/experience before I can do it. And yes I would love to be a porn star. Don't know if for fun or full time.
But while all these are ways to make money. For me it's less about the money it's more about fun, being young, dumb, and full of cum :D. I like escorting I find it fun and I like meeting different guys and it's hot. I also love servicing men in different ways and learning more about them. I like to dance..by myself I'm not the best dancer but I know how to shake and work my ass. Maybe not professionally but I don't wanna be a snob or prick. I just want to have fun and be cute and sexy. Same goes for stripping. And porn it would be so much fun to have it filmed and that would even be hotter knowing I'm getting guys off. Bartending I'd love to make new friends, meet new people and even help people and see people regularly. And provide their drinks. And yes I would love to get into the adult industry. Treasure Island would be the dream one. Fucking/sucking/piss/watersports/leather/bondage/anonymous/cum dump all on camera and having people actually admire it and truly enjoy it and doing lots of films or as many as I can get. That would be hella fun.
Friendly/Family/Exes/People/Stranger/Communication:
It's also no secret I'm bad at communicating at times. I'm at a loss for words sometimes and can't quite express what I want to say or feel. I'm awkwardly social sometimes. But the worse is when i make a friend or meet someone and we just lose touch. Whether I forget to respond to text/email or they do it just fades away. But it's never really a serious connection for it to be truly severed. But it's never really gotten back either. It's regretful. It's mostly because of the stressful job I have right now and how it sucks everything out me and leaves me hollow and empty and I come home and there is nothing left. And weekends I'm mostly drained too. But it's also me. But that needs to change. I need to get better at communication. As for my family. I don't really get along with my family except my dad. So to even consider them a priority would be stretching that. I need to really decide what kind of relationship I want to have with them. My exes. I've settled things with my former Sir. But for my former brother. We get together now and hang out/we've played a few times too still but I know he'd rather us just be friends. But I might very well move back with him to help him out and because we are really good friends and like brothers. I'll always be his brother/lover/ex/friend. But I need to decide what I want him to be and what I want to be to him right now. It's only fair for both of us. To decide if we should still have sex or just not altogether. He's had a lot more sex on his own which I greatly encourage and want. And I still want to have sex with him. But it's not that type of relationship anymore. And it's sort of awkward if we do it just because we are horny because that can bring up old feelings and that's not fair to do to him since he's in the middle of his divorce with his former Sir and mine right now and he needs to grow and find a partner of his own. As do I. But I need to talk to him about that and make it clear.
Besides. As much as I love what we used to be and used to have. I want us to both be damn strong friends as men. Even though I'll always be his brother inside and he'll be mine.
Stress/Work:
Okay, I've got to get my stress down. It's literally tearing me down at work and stripping me of natural skills, behavior and attitude I have and replacing it with something hollow. It is going to be a serious downfall on my health if it continues and if I don't take meds it will make being poz so much harder and it will eventually be my downfall. And as for work. I NEED TO FUCKING FIND A JOB THAT'S GOOD FOR ME. I don't care that the economy is bad. It's no excuse to be mistreated at a job and afraid at your job because the boss is a dick. I know all bosses can be dicks but some take it too far. I need to find a better job OR if I do stay at this job (PLEASE NO GOD) I need to decide how I am going to deal with it each and every day and the bullshit so it doesn't kill me and I remain strong and myself.
Gaming/Youtube/Android/Blogging/Internet:
When I was younger I was online a lot. I had lots of friends online we MSN'ed and YIM'ed and even rpged on forums sometimes. I was so much of a gamer back then too it was fun to play against friends online, voice chat, and etc. We might have been miles apart but we still talked about random shit, stupid shit, and our personal shit. They were friends. I won't ever deny that even if tempermental friends. I used to blog so much I was really good at it and people liked it. I'm a gewd writer and I noes it. I love youtube. I love android and gaming. There are so many games I play, things I do with my phone, tablet, that I could easily make videos of. Instructional videos, tutorials, reviews, and so much more. I could be online more and put myself out there. I already am on the sexual side but not on the human side. Well the blog is a start. It would be fun to. I like the contribute. I could contribute to android a lot more too and actually try developing and try my own hacks. In other words. Somewhat of internet fame presence. Not like numa numa or HIDE YA KIDS HIDE YA WIFE. Just a regular (not so fucking regular) asian/latin geek nerd that is a gamer/technology geek/ and somewhat funny and opionated. So the question is. Should I do more of that. If I make that third blog I'll already be moving in that direction. I've yet to do that though.
Travelling/Bars/Food/Cooking:
I'll admit I want to have somewhat relatable hobbies. I've started cooking now. I totally suck at it and only like asian food. But I need to expend. I so desperately want to fucking travel. I want to go to Ft. Lauderdale/Chicago/North Carolina/Augusta/TN/Seattle/LA/Texas and events like IML, MAL, CLAW, SMOKEOUT, Timberfell and try some of these runs/parties/events like mardi gras/cinco de mayo/st. patricks day/october fest. Basically events DONE FUCKING RIGHT.
I want to go to more bars and know people there. I want to be welcomed when I enter and not always be a stranger. At least have ONE home base. Not just always be a random drifter stranger. And yes I want bar anonymous sex or going home with a guy/him going home with me/and if he's worth it staying the night/or having him stay the night.
Afterthoughts:
Basically. I WANT TO LIVE. I want to live my fucking life the way I want to. I want to have fun, be nerdy, be queer, be proud, be loud, be offensive, be a bastard, be smart, be dumb, be cool, be lame, I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING I CAN BE. And that's so much because really I have potential to be ALL OF THESE. I did not just pull these out of my ass. These are traits/interests/skills/things I already have. Not all of them are my core, some are growing, some are stronger than others, and some need a little flame or spark. But ALL THESE exist in me and make me who I am.
But there are so many things holding me back right now. Stress/fear/insecurity/judgement/shame/guilt/regret/nervousness/worry/doubt/depression/failure and etc. I have all these mental blocks that some of which are from living and a lot of which I created. I've always told myself when I was younger I wanna be strong, I wanna be liked, I wanna be a cool loser and I want to be happy. I'm not happy where I am right now. I fucking hate where I am. I hate my job, I hate the stress, I hate that I'm fearful and I can't stand being that person anymore. How can I be such a weak person when I know there is a such a strength inside that's trying to burst out. I can't ignore that. But if I do these I can't do things the easy way anymore. I can't be that lazy, forgetful, absent minded, unreliable, weak, scared, boy that I am right now. If I stay like this I'll never even come close to reaching my goals/dreams/happiness. I can't even say I fucking tried. I might fucking fail but if I at least try. Even if I lose everything, it goes really bad, and I become nothing. I already had a back up plan for that anyways.
Actually a few weeks ago I wanted to run away. I was ready to submit to any man and just be his live in bitch and not have freedoms or a life of my own just so I'd be somewhere safe, fed, and away from all my problems fears and never having to worry about college/education/careers/life I wanted to run away from it all. I won't lie there is a part of me that still does want to run away. There is part of me that's still crying, still hurt, still lonely, still scared, and still wants to shut the eyes from the world and just leave everything and run away. Even if there is nothing for me nowhere to go just keep going and going and what lies beyond that doesn't matter because it's better than this hell and life I'm in now. I know I don't have it the worst. But I hate being trapped in my own hell.
So now that I've acknowledged what I need to think about and what I need to decide let's ask myself who I am currently.
I'm strong, I'm scared, I'm brave, I'm nervous, I'm a barebacker, I'm poz, I'm gay, I'm leather, I'm a geek, nerd, gamer, social drinker, bastard, offensive, lazy, forgetful, and somewhat of a push over. But I am humble. And I've been told so many times when people say "You are very humble." I really like that. I think that's one of my favorite qualities about me.
So as I said at first. The time to decide is near. The time to stop running is closer each and every day. And the time where I need to decide what the fuck I'm going to do with my life, who I'm going to be, and if I'm going to OWN my life and take control of it or let it control me is just around the corner. What is decided is that I WILL NO MATTER WHAT find a way very soon to take a weekend maybe even a day or two off or work. To maybe parliament house, tennessee, or somewhere that means something to me that's closeby. But I'd rather go to ft. lauderdale. So I can get away from atlanta, from the stress, from the worry so I can release all the mental blocks and be free and able to choose and decide. But I really want to do it at p-house so I can test my bareback/slut/sex morale too. Because that is something I want to find out as well.
I might be in hell this month. I won't really be able to go out, eat out, I'll make my meals even if they suck, and I won't be able to drink. But what's one month in hell in exchange to break free from hell and forge my own life and own life path. I'll gladly sacrifice a month for that.
No matter what I decide in June and on my trip. I WILL NOT DO IT HALF ASSED. I will not quit or run from what I decide. I'll give it 110% percent and use all my heart, spirit, strength, and will. That's why no matter what I decide. It will actually happen. That's why writing this means so much. Because I already know what I decide is what I can really be. Whether it's everything, some things, nothing, or staying where I am. It will all be my decision and not just a whim. That might not be who I am right now. But that's who I'll be.
...Imma be.
(lolz)
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