Reflection

Oooh this one's gonna be a doozy. I've been staying with my two daddies as their boy for a week now. Working at the cafe, shopping with them, lots of sex initially and hanging out with their friend's too. My ass is a tad bit worn though so waiting for that to heal so we can have more fun.

But something we talked about..I've finally taken that mantle. Writing and becoming a writer and publishing. We talked extensively about that the other day like author name, how to publish, short stories, or taking stories and expanding upon them. I promised Wayne I'd take hook up stories from the past and put them in a word document for him to read...and I did.

Going through every single story...finding every single post and time I hooked up with guys was very difficult. Not only that but some guys I could barely remember and I found some interesting posts to save as well and put those as, "reflective" instead of hook up stories.

I also felt like I went back in time. Even though I was just sitting on my tablet typing I felt like my mind was transported back to when I first got bred by that man and going to hawaii and being a daddy nurse's boy for the time I was there. Back to when I first started barebacking and everything began. I saw how often people would reply or take interest in me and how I could barely see anything because I was so obsessed on cock and loads. What started off as an accident and something that scared me I slowly took a downward spiral from curious, to hesitant, to barebacking, to slut, to cum dump, and then to poz.

But reading of how I tried to rationalize some things or how my mind would slowly expand or open up to new ideas. And how I'd even state how cautious I was or how I was nervous or wondering..BUT EVEN THEN accepting what the reality of my actions would be and what the ultimate end result would be. And I was right about everything. But at the same time the way I viewed relationships, friendships, sex, tops, and what my position was slowly changed as well. From being a submissive obedient bitch bottom, to more selective, to taking any loads and cock, to slowing down, searching for a daddy top, and then becoming poz and topping more.

I just can't believe I documented all of it. It's just very strange. I took a path..a course, a chance, had encounters that many would never do. I went down a road of self destruction and ultimately becoming poz. Maybe others have walked my path..but very few at the age and the time period that I live in. It's caution for those who are curious barebacking but also excitement and knowing what happens when you truly let yourself go and unleash a deep desire and lust that builds inside and becoming who you think you truly are. If I did not do this I probably would have done something like this in the future and it would have been more intense, more dangerous, and more lustful, and I would have done things I would have regretted. For some strange reason even after reading everything I wrote...I don't regret anything of it. The fact that I could remember names, faces, and the men I was with and the impact I left on them and they left on me. That's something to be proud of. Yes I was a cumdump, cumslut, counted loads, and thought of barebacking sex as just fucking natural. But I still kept my personality and still made people and myself happy.

But at other times I was really depressed, could have made much more friends, or even had a boyfriend but I focussed so much on having as much sex as I could and getting new guys to have sex with, new loads, new cocks, that everyone felt more like a stepping stone or a trophy. And the ones that I wanted more with saw me as I saw others. It was a cycle that me and the men I played with all played a part in and it was just a repeat or a one time and nothing more. But I went through the motions and so did I. We all did what we wanted to as much as we wanted to..and maybe some and myself included wanted more.

It wasn't until much later when I slowly started having a deeper desire for something more and something with more substance. No matter who I had sex with I always "felt" during whether it was pain, passion, fear, pleasure, love, lust, anger, or regret I always felt everything. Even if I was just a fuck to them. But I learned so much from being a slut. Never would I have imagined that I would have two men who love me and care about me despite everything I've done.

The fact that I even left myself a little broken and almost gave up and was ready to cast my body aside and just give myself up to anyone and everyone because I consumed myself in nothing but lust, pleasure, sex, loads, and bareback sex that the only thing in the world that could satisfy me was getting as much sex as possible. That could have really happened. And even though I met a few leather tops who opened up my mind, heart, and body meeting these men was also painful because some of them did have partners or had no interest in me other then sex.

Even knowing there were men who would make great partners men who I could be in service to and their boy. I still closed my eyes to the world and almost gave up. But I did not. And becoming poz made things much..much different as well. It put more things into perspective and made me value my life more but also gave me some regret because I felt a tad bit broken after everything I've been through with work, sex, and a past relationship. But I was determined to live on.

Because I met certain people I realized that I was coming closer to finding a man to spend my life with. And strangely enough I started playing with couples more..but I rejected that idea long ago..but I was slowly accepting and liking that idea again as well.

...And then well Wayne and Don found me and in many ways saved me. It's a bit painful, stressful, and tiring to think of the past sometimes because the person I was and becoming..was something really scary especially at that age. But the experience, wisdom, people I met, and everything I learned. There was a reason it happened and I'm much better for it even though I'm poz. I'm actually okay being poz. Because I love myself and have two men who love me as well.

And I have a big adventure and grand life coming up soon...but unfortunately I will have to go back home one last time..one last trial and a little bit more enduring to be with the men I love. But at least after meeting them and spending time with them and slowly being absorbed into their life..I know I can do it. Even though it will be painful..

Now...to start writing and writing freely like I did by the pool the other day..I'm kind of scared to do it..scared where my mind will take me, won't take me, and what ideas, fantasies, and things will pop into my head. But If I feel my mind, ideas, imagination, lust, and desire I'll just be denying myself and won't be able to express it. And all along the main thing with me is I don't want to deny or limit myself. So why should I limit what I write.

I'll just have to see what comes to mind and have to go with it and see what happens...so get ready for it.

A complete alternate telling of a very important trip that I took.

Re-visiting the trip to Ft. Lauderdale.