Leather

I feel like I'm at another crossroads again. Oh well congratu-fuckinglations. Another episode this week. Although it's been a while and there haven't been any re-runs. But alas I wasn't cancelled. Damn I sound like I'm out of it right now.

But in some ways I'm anything but out of it.

I just don't know what to think of leather anymore. From the curiosity of leather at my first gay pride and submitting to that man..JD and serving him that weekend. To the hunger for leather when I was in college and then coming back to Atlanta and meeting Casey and Michael. Then becoming Casey's slave slowly. I remember all the people we met at various leather groups and how nervous and show I was back then. But how curious I was. Curious about everything men in leather, women in leather, old guard, new guard, everything back then was just a big curiosity. And I wanted to learn so much and as I learned of Casey's stories and past I wished so desperately to live those out for myself and experience what he experienced what I wanted to. That quickly grew into hearing tales of several people's past and only hearing about the past.

The past this the past this it was always the fucking bloody past. Encounters, people met, what bars were like, what people were like, and what it was like back in their day. While meanwhile I was always stuck in the fucking present. Could never get enough of the past hearing about it, learning about it, history, and so desperately wanting to experience it and feel it for myself. Scared shittless when I finally did a scene and cried like a bitch during it and only got better at it the third and basically final time.

From what was a curiosity and learning from several different people, having many friends, and knowing lots of people led to a certain bitch and circumstances destroying everything and severing our ties from everyone. But before that I already grew tired and hurt of all the stories I heard and the things I couldn't do because of my age, not being 21, or being in school, or just the times not being like they were. I didn't know if I wanted the future but I knew I despised the present. The present haunted me and it felt like a hell. I would hide during meetings or when people came over eventually because hearing about leather and everything about it hurt. I couldn't stand it anymore I craved it, wanted it, and needed it so much I needed to throw it away. So I stepped back from everything by myself silently before Casey did. Even though I still had to go to certain things although I was physically there mentally I was absent.

And along the way I failed to realize that aspects of the relationship that were leather were faded and gone as well. Things I used to do such as "slave present" or kneeling in front of the door when Sir came home and only raising my head when he greeted me with a kiss. The servitude was quickly gone.

I've tried several times to remove the leather from me. But i can't. I want to throw it away so much and I wanted to before. But I quickly realized that I couldn't throw away leather because my heart is leather. I don't really know what leather was or is supposed to be. I don't know what the fuck old guard or any of that shit is really about but I can feel it. I don't know if it was always there or if some of it brought out. I might be a stubborn bastard and a bitch and rebellious. But because I rebel, because I refuse to do things, because I get pissed off or bitchy..it's because I care. It's because I have heart. It's almost like sometimes I have to remind myself I have a heart. At times I feel so distant from everything and everyone in this world. Everything feels like a blur or it's like everything and everyone else is going through the motions and I'm just still not going with them or against them but not doing anything either.

What the hell am I supposed to do. At a time when I would give out my ass to just about anyone and take about any load or cock...I met a leather man and reminded myself that I have some worth and decided to only give up my ass to men I find worthy or attracted to. And then when I was about to resign myself of ever wanting love or ever wanting to be needed and was about to just be a cumdump again and just drown myself in the lust, the pleasure, and let everything go I met him.

That bastard changed me. I trusted him and he tied up me up, gagged me, blindfolded me, used toys and fucked me and used me. Several times too. But there was something so natural about how my body responded to everything. About how I responded to everything. There was hesitance and there was fear but there was also desire. I can't explain it but when I felt my body being used and things being done to me especially by a sexy man it felt like an important part of me that I casted away and locked the door and threw away the key was opened. My core, the leather boy in me that so desperately wants to become a strong leather man, and my heart was opened once again.

There were a few encounters before that sparked it but a spark wasn't enough to set it free. That was Keith who did that. I felt so different after the first encounter and could no longer just take loads up my ass or cock in my ass. I actually wanted to have a connection with someone first. Even like actually..get to know someone and date them before taking it up the ass. Ideals that I haddn't thought about since before I met Casey and Michael.

And then I met Wayne and Don and went up to see them. I had a blast and I instantly fell for Wayne and Don. I felt like they were also a part of something I've been missing. I cried so much in the car ride from the airport. All my mind could do was flash back to Casey and Michael and us taking a trip and hearing Michael's goofy laugh and Casey laughing too or saying something like, "We love you boy.".

I broke down and couldn't take it and I cried silently not wanting Wayne and Don to know how I felt. But the next day it felt like I woke up from a long dream. Work, stress, everything disappeared. All I felt was peace, love, and happiness being with Wayne and Don and some remnants of my leather heart and self showed by kneeling at Wayne's feet or cuddling down by his feet.

The part of leather that I saw was at the very end helping Wayne with a sash. A hint of Wayne knowing about leather and realizing that he has knowledge and even heart. Well Wayne has a hell of a heart. A strong and kind one. But I can detect a beat of leather in there too. I don't know if he's shown it and I haven't noticed it or what it is. But I was so fucking proud of Wayne doing a leather contest the past weekend but also so damn jealous.

And one times in bed I did feel and experience a different side of Wayne. A bit darker and more of a dominant side. It took me by surprise and I didn't think he was serious until I heard his tone and looked at his eyes. But it was also the biggest turn on as well.

I just don't know how to feel about leather anymore. I'm not stupid and I don't say that someone isn't leather if they don't wear leather. Several people can probably have a leather heart or just a strong desire and interest in leather. But maybe it's more of some people can have leather hearts but not everyone embraces it. Not everyone realizes.

I don't want to be a 24/7 slave. I don't want to have a contract and I don't want to have no say. I like the daddy boy aspect. But I'll admit somewhere down the line I'd like a taste of that leather again. But I'd like it with Wayne..I'd like to feel his dominance, his power, and his will. But I wonder if I go down that line again will that be all I crave and will nothing else matter. I like vanilla and I like tenderness and love.

I just don't know. I can't grasp what leather is anymore. I feel like maybe I've never known what it is. But than again maybe I've missed a very important part of it. Someone once told me it's very much about attitude and sex. I might have the humbleness, the kindness, and the willingness and desire. But I don't have the sexual attitude or desire.

I'm lacking.

I'm not leather anymore. I'm not myself. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, and I'm a coward.

But more than anything. I just really fucking miss Wayne and Don and I love them. And being away from them..no talking to them frequently is more painful then not. At least by not talking to them for a while I can temporarily store them in another part of my mind and heart so I can actually get something done or not be so fucking depressed.

But dammit it's not fucking fair. But whatever I can't show my heart right now. I'm not strong enough to show it Wayne right now.

Reflection

Oooh this one's gonna be a doozy. I've been staying with my two daddies as their boy for a week now. Working at the cafe, shopping with them, lots of sex initially and hanging out with their friend's too. My ass is a tad bit worn though so waiting for that to heal so we can have more fun.

But something we talked about..I've finally taken that mantle. Writing and becoming a writer and publishing. We talked extensively about that the other day like author name, how to publish, short stories, or taking stories and expanding upon them. I promised Wayne I'd take hook up stories from the past and put them in a word document for him to read...and I did.

Going through every single story...finding every single post and time I hooked up with guys was very difficult. Not only that but some guys I could barely remember and I found some interesting posts to save as well and put those as, "reflective" instead of hook up stories.

I also felt like I went back in time. Even though I was just sitting on my tablet typing I felt like my mind was transported back to when I first got bred by that man and going to hawaii and being a daddy nurse's boy for the time I was there. Back to when I first started barebacking and everything began. I saw how often people would reply or take interest in me and how I could barely see anything because I was so obsessed on cock and loads. What started off as an accident and something that scared me I slowly took a downward spiral from curious, to hesitant, to barebacking, to slut, to cum dump, and then to poz.

But reading of how I tried to rationalize some things or how my mind would slowly expand or open up to new ideas. And how I'd even state how cautious I was or how I was nervous or wondering..BUT EVEN THEN accepting what the reality of my actions would be and what the ultimate end result would be. And I was right about everything. But at the same time the way I viewed relationships, friendships, sex, tops, and what my position was slowly changed as well. From being a submissive obedient bitch bottom, to more selective, to taking any loads and cock, to slowing down, searching for a daddy top, and then becoming poz and topping more.

I just can't believe I documented all of it. It's just very strange. I took a path..a course, a chance, had encounters that many would never do. I went down a road of self destruction and ultimately becoming poz. Maybe others have walked my path..but very few at the age and the time period that I live in. It's caution for those who are curious barebacking but also excitement and knowing what happens when you truly let yourself go and unleash a deep desire and lust that builds inside and becoming who you think you truly are. If I did not do this I probably would have done something like this in the future and it would have been more intense, more dangerous, and more lustful, and I would have done things I would have regretted. For some strange reason even after reading everything I wrote...I don't regret anything of it. The fact that I could remember names, faces, and the men I was with and the impact I left on them and they left on me. That's something to be proud of. Yes I was a cumdump, cumslut, counted loads, and thought of barebacking sex as just fucking natural. But I still kept my personality and still made people and myself happy.

But at other times I was really depressed, could have made much more friends, or even had a boyfriend but I focussed so much on having as much sex as I could and getting new guys to have sex with, new loads, new cocks, that everyone felt more like a stepping stone or a trophy. And the ones that I wanted more with saw me as I saw others. It was a cycle that me and the men I played with all played a part in and it was just a repeat or a one time and nothing more. But I went through the motions and so did I. We all did what we wanted to as much as we wanted to..and maybe some and myself included wanted more.

It wasn't until much later when I slowly started having a deeper desire for something more and something with more substance. No matter who I had sex with I always "felt" during whether it was pain, passion, fear, pleasure, love, lust, anger, or regret I always felt everything. Even if I was just a fuck to them. But I learned so much from being a slut. Never would I have imagined that I would have two men who love me and care about me despite everything I've done.

The fact that I even left myself a little broken and almost gave up and was ready to cast my body aside and just give myself up to anyone and everyone because I consumed myself in nothing but lust, pleasure, sex, loads, and bareback sex that the only thing in the world that could satisfy me was getting as much sex as possible. That could have really happened. And even though I met a few leather tops who opened up my mind, heart, and body meeting these men was also painful because some of them did have partners or had no interest in me other then sex.

Even knowing there were men who would make great partners men who I could be in service to and their boy. I still closed my eyes to the world and almost gave up. But I did not. And becoming poz made things much..much different as well. It put more things into perspective and made me value my life more but also gave me some regret because I felt a tad bit broken after everything I've been through with work, sex, and a past relationship. But I was determined to live on.

Because I met certain people I realized that I was coming closer to finding a man to spend my life with. And strangely enough I started playing with couples more..but I rejected that idea long ago..but I was slowly accepting and liking that idea again as well.

...And then well Wayne and Don found me and in many ways saved me. It's a bit painful, stressful, and tiring to think of the past sometimes because the person I was and becoming..was something really scary especially at that age. But the experience, wisdom, people I met, and everything I learned. There was a reason it happened and I'm much better for it even though I'm poz. I'm actually okay being poz. Because I love myself and have two men who love me as well.

And I have a big adventure and grand life coming up soon...but unfortunately I will have to go back home one last time..one last trial and a little bit more enduring to be with the men I love. But at least after meeting them and spending time with them and slowly being absorbed into their life..I know I can do it. Even though it will be painful..

Now...to start writing and writing freely like I did by the pool the other day..I'm kind of scared to do it..scared where my mind will take me, won't take me, and what ideas, fantasies, and things will pop into my head. But If I feel my mind, ideas, imagination, lust, and desire I'll just be denying myself and won't be able to express it. And all along the main thing with me is I don't want to deny or limit myself. So why should I limit what I write.

I'll just have to see what comes to mind and have to go with it and see what happens...so get ready for it.

A complete alternate telling of a very important trip that I took.

Re-visiting the trip to Ft. Lauderdale.

Wayne and Don

A little over a month ago I talked to a daddy Sir on growlr. It was after a hook up and the first question was if I could be his boy and travel with him and his partner. I found the man very attractive, masculine looking, cute, and sexy as hell. I knew there was no way I could be his boy even if I wanted to (which I wasn't sure of at the time) and politely declined but told him that if he comes down for Pride I'd love to play.

Fast forward talking on the phone the first night, learning about him, his life, his partner, sharing my life, my past, my goals, my dreams, and everything about me and him helping me tremendously and sunday night me flying into Rochester, NY to meet him and his partner. Rushing the week before to pack, quitting work, having a week at phouse, and rushing to catch my flight. On the flight strong feelings and excitement, worries, and hopes for Wayne and Don emerged. But I focussed on replying an email to someone from the previous week. I spent the whole flight doing this. By the time we were close to landing I closed my tablet and started to slowly realize everything that was happening. I got off the plane and went to the bathroom and tried to find the terminal. I was at the wrong terminal frantically rushing to find the men who I would be with..the ones who would change me, who I'd change, but I couldn't find them. After calling them I still could not find them and began to panic. I just went to the only terminal I saw which was A. When I walked around the bend I looked at the sign. I heard a voice that came from another direction and the voice called out to me. I shifted my vision to the left and I saw two very men through a window near some furniture. My heart raced, my head throbbed, and rushed over to them. There they were. Wayne and Don. Both in person. The Sir who I'd been talking to for over a month and his partner who I've also talked to some. Both were actually in front of me. I wanted to cry. I want to hold both of them and tell them how much I've been looking forward to meeting them and kiss them and hold them. But we held off. We just exchanged pleasantries and got into their truck. Inside the truck I was finally able to give them a hug and kiss them.

I had so many mixed emotions in my head during the drive back. I wanted to talk with them, learn from them, and just was so happy that I was finally with them. I got on my knees and rested my head on the arm rest and nuzzled my head between their arms, kissing them, holding them, even though it was their arms it was something. After some fast food while driving to their home Wayne informed me about reading Casey's blog and told me that Casey is staying in Florida. I did not believe him and checked it myself. I saw his post and threw the phone. I was hurt. I started crying silently with the news in my mind. Memories flashed of taking trips with Michael and Casey in the past. Casey in the front seat driving and Michael laughing and them talking and having fun and me being with them..it hurt. I cried even more and I couldn't hold it in and I partially broke down. We finally arrived and I got out of the car feeling broken and hurt. Wayne hugged me and kissed me and so did Don but I still felt numb. I was supposed to feel excitement, feel happy, but I felt sad and hurt from my previous Sir for not telling me anything.

That night we made out, we cuddled, and Don fucked me raw and bare and bred me. Me and Wayne made out intensively and Don and their dog went to the other room. I blew Wayne and he fucked me. Fucked me raw with his huge PA and I took it. I took it and wanted more but knew that we needed to sleep. Also, somewhere in the back of my mind and in my heart and I was still hurt. Fucking would not heal that at that moment. But it was incredibly hot and I came a few times and Wayne..my Sir and owned bred me.

We all slept.

The next day we fooled around in bed and got up and i got registered. We went into town and got some food, we went to the pool, we napped, and we had dinner at their friends. During dinner, during the whole day I felt so peaceful and happy. Being with Wayne and Don, kissing them, holding them, and being here..I was finally happy. We slept well except I had a few nightmare.

Today we went shopping and Wayne got his food for the weekend. We went to best buy too and I tried to help Don find a charger for his iPad. But best buy did not have it. I was showing Wayne phones and tablets and Wayne asked if the phone I was looking at was the one I liked. I told him I did and he talked about getting it for me. But I declined telling him that my phone can still make calls and texts and even though I hate the fucking resetting that it can last a bit longer.

The man paid my phone bill, car insurance, entire phouse trip, giftcard for kroger, the trip for me to see him, and the fee for me to be at the campground. I was not about to let him buy me something else..I know in time he will and I can't stop him and will let him. But I haven't even worked yet so I don't know if I can please and make him and Don happy with the work yet. Sexually and being together yes. But If I can't help them with work or financially it's pointless. But I'll know soon.

We had a great lunch too and I've been fooling out with Don a lot too and bonding with him. I even told him I loved him tonight and he returned and told me he loves me as well. I could feel it..and I could feel it from him. That's why I said it. And I've had time to do some writing and still time for them. I know this can work. I just need to be strong and be a good hard worker for them. That's the only thing left to decide.

But as things stand now. I don't want to leave Wayne and Don. Because I love them and want to be with them.

P House Trip Day 1

It was decided. After talking with Michael and Sir the previous night I was going to quit work. After much trouble finally sleeping I finally drifted off to sleep.

I awoke a little earlier than normal. Around 6:30 am. I got some coffee and had a bite to eat and sort of reflected on how things were going to go. After getting showered and ready I called Sir and asked him for advice. After getting encouragement from Sir I drove to work. Lots of mixed feelings and the previous day I knew that was the final day. Sometimes you just know things like that. But the pressure was building up in my head. As I got closer to work and saw the downstairs part of the building I realized I was doing the right thing.

I arrived at the parking lot downstairs a little early and put my coat and badge on and headed inside. Hoping I wouldn't see anyone luck seemed to be on my side. I walked inside and no one was in the break room. I threw the crap out of my locker and headed upstairs. I did not clock in and went to the security buzzer. Before I pressed it I heard the voices of the workers on the floor and voices of my friends and people I'd talk to. Part of me wanted to hesitate and say one last thing to them..some of them have really helped me survive this. But I just needed to leave. Part of me wished I could have gotten closer to some of them and even done stuff outside of work. But the job itself and the three years of being at the company has crippled me in several ways. I pushed the buzzer.

I told security that I need to see them. I waited..and waited and nothing. Out of panic I pushed again and they told me to hold on a minute. Finally the night shift security guard came. I told him, "I'm done and here is my badge and my coat." He asked if I was resigning and I confirmed that i was. He asked if I had something else. I paused for a second, smiled and said, "Yeah, actually I kinda do." and he let me out of the building. I quickly went to my car and told my Sir that it was done. The call dropped when I got home so I called Michael and let him know as well.

Three years of pain, stress, abuse, being taken advantage of, and no growth or improvement at all. I finally ended it.

While I was talking to my Sir work called a few times but I ignored them because I did not want to hear from them and I was on the phone. After I was done talking with Sir I got ready to clean myself out. I haven't been fucked in a little over a month and a lot of it is fear because I got cut back there many months ago and sort of because of Sir as well. But regardless of me getting fucked or not..I wanted to be ready. It did not take as long as I thought and I was cleaned out. After slowly packing and making lunch I finally headed out. Sir also told me that he covered the rest of the phouse cost. That must have been his final gift. I really appreciated that.

I was finally on the road and told Michael and Casey too. Told Casey I quit too and he was a little surprised, disappointed, but after I told him the reasoning he understood and supported it. And told me to have fun in phouse. When I was getting to the augusta exit I was in the wrong lane and wasn't able to change over. That delayed me. But I kept going to the next exit and eventually got back going towards augusta. I have to say the drive was boring as fuck. But I was also, tired, stressed, and still mixed feelings about work. I listened to the entire Fall Out Boy, "Save Rock and Roll" album on the way. It's a pretty good album and there are only two or three songs I don't like on the whole album. That really helped pass the time but did not stop me from getting sleepy. My legs were getting sleepy too and at times I wanted to doze off. But I kept going. After realizing I was only 30 minutes away I played a mini album and that helped.

I was going 90 mph something and I saw cars stopped out of nowhere. I slammed that brake and my coffee machine and some other stuff came flying from the back. I thought, "Shit". Well I also said, "Shit". But it was okay. I did not expect traffic in augusta. But I realized..I'm finally in Augusta.

I looked at every building and place as I drove closer to phouse. Gay businesses, straight ones, stores, shops, I took everything in. This looked like so much fun and I could finally feel the start of my adventure, the start of my vacation, the start of my weekend, the start of new beginnings, and the path to seeing Sir and Don. Everything started...here. I'll remember this forever.

I got around the corner and finally saw phouse. I was like that youtube video of that cat that slowly opens his mouth wide and just keeps it like that and looks around. I was so fucking happy to finally be here. It made me realize everything I did was right..for me at least.

Editorial: Ugh I'm gonna be a primadona right now. Why can't there be a fucking table in this room. Fuuuu makes it harder to write. The things I do to write. Eh back to story. At least unlimited AC+Ice=Win.

I pulled in and parked and walked into the front office. A confused and troubled man was doing the reservations and was overwhelmed by a small number of people. I just waited and waited and finally I got my key and remote. Finally I drove to my room and was here. This would be my base of operations. My fucking lair. Hell yes..except the front of my room was flooded with water. I tried unpacking from that side but the stupid water was troubling so I parked to the spot next to it. Much better. I unpacked everything, killed a spider, and plugged in my blender and coffee maker and had everything out. Settled, in other words.

First thing I did was go to the ice machine in some very very small shorts and get some ice. I made a strawberry daquiri. I used less alcohol though..by accident. Dammit. I walked around the resort for a bit exploring everything. Ever guy I came across said a friendly howdy, hello, nod, or acknowledged me. That was nice. No one does this in Atlanta. I was happy that the people here are nice. I went to the pool with my drink and noticed lots of men around the front of the pool and a few guys naked. I decided to go to the back area of the pool. I got a towel and just relaxed in the sun. I drank my daiquiri getting a little bit of a buzz, a tan, and I was pretty fucking happy. I saw a guy across from me naked with a pretty fat cock. He acknowledged me and we slowly began teasing each other. His cock was getting hard and so was mine. After lots of flirting I decide to jump into the pool. I saw to the side he was on and we talked a little bit. He gave me a surprise kiss and grabbed my ass. We went back to talking and I decided I was getting out. So did he. We dried off and headed back to the rooms. I was walking away from him until he opened the gate for me and asked, "Coming this way?". I knew what he was getting at so I replied, "Yes I am.".

He walked into his room and let me in and I saw his sexy partner on the bed. We all talked and learned a bit about each other. They really liked timberfell and going to phouse and work so much and rarely get time off. We have a bit in common. And we started playing. I was making out with the one by the pool, Greg, and I was feeling his partner, "Gordon" as well and we started out feeling each other and making out. In short time i was sucking Greg and Gordon was playing with my ass and rubbing it. We switched and I started sucking Gordon and greg was playing with my ass. I heard a bottle open and I felt him slowly finger my ass. Then I felt his bare cockhead push into my ass. I sucked Gordon harder, and Gordon urged Greg to fuck my ass. I felt Greg slowly push in and I felt a bit of resistance from my side but I was really fucking horny and I was doing my best to relax my ass and I felt him sink into me. I moaned loudly while on Gordon's cock.

Greg started fucking me really hard while I sucked Gordon. Gordon kept encouraging Greg to fuck me and fuck me harder. I felt Greg really pound me and I heard his voice get raspy and felt him tense up. I heard Gordon tell Greg, "Yeah baby breed him..breed that sexy boy.". In no time at all I felt Greg's cum fill my ass and felt his cock push it in deeper. I jacked my dick like mad with Greg's cock up my ass and came. I kept fucking myself on Greg's dick so fucking horny. After Greg pulled out I sucked Gordon some more and made out with Gordon while Greg played with my body. Both of them were worshipping my body, playing with my dick, ass, balls, nipples, and every part of my body. I felt like I was in heaven. Is this what it would be like with Sir and Don I wondered. Before I knew it I was between Greg and Gordon and Gordon said, "Relax baby boy". He asked me if I trust him and I responded I did. He was rubbing my eye sockets gently. He had magic hands and he relaxed every part of my body. Before I knew it I was curled up next to Gordon with Greg on my side and the last thing I heard him say was, "Rest baby boy."

I woke later next to Gordon and wondered where Greg went. Me and Gordon woke up and we made out a little bit. I was also sucking on Gordon's nipple. He really liked that. Greg came back and we all played some more. While I was playing with Greg, Gordon was lubing up my hole. Before I knew it I felt Gordon climb on top of me and I felt his cock enter me. It felt so good and I sucked Greg while Gordon was fucking me. I frantically bucked my ass on his cock and in no time at all I felt him tense up and shoot his load deep inside me. I jacked off while he was inside me as well a few times. I really like cumming with a cock in my ass. Gordon pulled out and Greg entered me again and started fucking me. He wasn't ready to cum yet and I was a bit sore so we stopped after a while. I got back into my bathing suit and thanked Greg. I gave him a goodbye kiss and he told me we'd get together again. Gordon was outside on the chair and I gave him a kiss and said goodbye. I went back to my room and a guy near by was cruising me. Pretty hot bald headed bearded man. He came inside and I started sucking his fat thick cock. He kept playing with my ass and I knew he wanted to fuck me. He was getting ready to fuck me bare and I asked what he liked. He told me he likes fucking and getting fucked. Before he fucked me I told him, "I'm poz". He stopped and freaked out for a second and told me he couldn't because he has a wife and kids. This is why I feel sorry for woman sometimes. This man fucks and gets fucked bareback by guys that are neg but not poz. Surprisingly he was very cordial and even made conversation as he was gettingg dressed and said goodbye. But that also means he's a smooth talker.

I took a shower and made a few sandwiches to get some food in me. I called Sir to let him know what was going on and what I did. He was happy for me and told me to have fun. I heard a knock on my door and it was Greg from earlier. He told me that he was passing by and asked for a drink. I told him no problem and made him and me a batch of stawberry daquiri. I made one for Gordon as well. I got a call from Keith and Joey while Greg was in the room. I was very surprised to hear from them and happy. I heard Joey doing better and I talked to Keith too. Those two..they invited me to heretic and eagle for a night of fun. They know I don't have a lot of friends they know I don't go out much. I've expressed this to them. Those two..they are really good friends. I told them I am in phouse augusta but if I wasn't I'd love to. They were happy for me and I was happy for them and we told each other we'll talk soon.

I got a text from Sir while Greg was in the room so I told Greg I'll join him and Gordon for the drink but I have to do something first. I called Sir and no response I panicked. I texted him figuring he was hurt and I wanted to talk about it. After hearing nothing I figured he was really hurt. So I decided to leave it at that for now. I took my drink and headed over to Greg and Gordon's room. I chatted with them for a bit but feeling worried for Sir left them quickly and told them I'm going to go do stuff tonight. They understood and I told them I'd see them tomorrow. I returned to my room and got Sir's text. There was a huge confusion because I thought he felt bad and hurt and did not want to talk. And I wanted to discuss how I felt so I wouldn't feel hurt and like I couldn't communicate and be honest. After some misunderstanding of texting we finally talked on the phone and discussed things and understood each other's true feelings. We also understood that we deeply love each other and things would be different if we already met and how we do want things to go by fast so we can meet. With deep sadness in each other's hearts and a feeling of loneliness we said goodbye to each other for the night.

I decided to have fun and drink some. I made a cocktail and after drinking it headed to filling station. The bar was sort of packed, no where to sit, and small. I had a drink and was amazed and happy at the low cost of it and stood by the bar drinking. Saw a few guys and watched them but everyone was pretty much occupied with their friends so it was somewhat dull. I finished my drink quickly and headed back. Probably a bit too quickly. I was a little drunk but not plastered, smashed, wasted, or fucked up. And Michael did say this was the weekend to do it. Not driving and have a place to stay. He is right. I headed to the maze feeling horny. The maze was the same fortunately as last time.

I went upstairs and saw tons of hot guys. I went into a room with one guy and sucked him. He started pushing his bare cock in me but I tightened up because I wasn't in the mood for that. So I sucked him some more and he wasn't ready to cum and neither was I. I sucked a few more guys too. I felt happy with what I was doing. I did not want to slut out and take lots of random cock up my ass. But I was pretty fucking happy and content with sucking multiple guys. I only sucked a few though. I went into the jail cell area and had one guy go down on me. Fucking his face was pretty hot but I really wanted some ass. But remembering Wayne's advice I decided not to. I decided to save that load for the time being. Someone I knew in the past was there too and he was making out with a me a bit and going down on my cock. A furry bear of a man next to me was stroking his cock too and I went down on him. He held a firm grip on me so I would service his cock. I decided to leave the area and he tried to with a little force keep me there but I broke free. I asked if he wanted to go in a room and he did not say anything. I figured he wasn't interested.

I went into an open room with a table and a guy came up behind me. He was pretty cute and we made out and I sucked him. He quickly turned me around and started to shove his raw dick up my ass. He pushed in for a second but I pushed out. He asked if I wanted to get fucked bare. I told him I was tight and it wasn't going to work. He thanked me and we went our seperate ways. I went downstairs for a while and was in a room with complete darkness. It felt like an endless abyss and I went in futher but could not feel anything or any way out. So I left that area and went back upstairs for a while. I just walked around and wasn't doing anything so I went back downstairs. The lights were now on in that area. I saw how small the area was to what I thought was an endless abyss. I decided to leave the maze area through the side exit.

I walked back to my room and put on my jock and went to pig pen in nothing by my jock and flip flops. I tried to get in earlier but the guy stated I must have on underwear or less. I asked him if I met the dress code now. He smiled and he told me I do. I went inside and it was deserted. But I got to examine the lay out. A medical table, a few slings, a bondage table, what looked like a rim seat and a few other things. It looked like fun. I saw a hairy bottom jock strap pig walk in. He looked hot but I could tell what he was about. I noticed some dry cum all over his ass and parts of his body and his ass looked slippery and I could tell a few guys came back there. But then I remembered that my own ass was a cum hole as well. The couple he fucked me earlier really fucked me and bred me good. The feeling of an ass coated in cum is really hot...but the difference between me and him is with me it was with two people I met and knew their names. For him it was probably just random guys, names he doesn't know, and maybe even faces that weren't seen. But I was once like him. I saw him walk away and neither of each acknlowedged each other. Of course we wouldn't. He saw me as a bottom and in his mind, "Only a hard top" matters. I knew exactly how he thought.

I decided to exit the pig pen. I walked back towards the maze but I was intercepted by the bearish man from the maze. He said hi and asked me if I have seen the hot tub. I told him I have and he asked if I wanted to go to it. I replied, "Sure". As we walked to the hot tub I saw him walking past the rooms and looking in the windows. I saw some bottoms in the window asses up. I realized that since I've been here I haven't cruised like that. I did in the past though..but not this time. But that's probably because I'm not looking intensely for sex. We walked to the hot tub and he sat on the chair and pulled out his dick. I needed no cue. I got on my knees and serviced him. He commented that he was looking for a hot boy to use. He asked me if I wanted to get used by him, I replied, "Yes Sir." He stated however, "I bet you want my raw cock up your ass..you want me to breed me don't you boy." I got rock hard instantly and sucked him faster and he said, "I thought so boy." After he was nice and hard he bent me over. He pushed his cock up my ass and started fucking me bare. Some guys walked by as he was fucking me and he just commented that they were seeing what they thought they were seeing. Some guys came over because they wanted a piece but he told them, "We're good as we are." I did appreciate that. He slipped out and I suggested we go to my room.

We went into my room and got on the bed and I serviced him. I then sat on his cock and rode it. It felt damn good riding on his cock. In some ways he reminded me of Russ but in other ways he seemed difference. He said he has been looking for a hot whore to fuck. That part sounded familar to russ. But even though he called me a whore a few times as a I rode him the intensity and the prescense of Russ wasn't there. At a glance they seemed similar but they weren't. This was a good thing. He slipped out again and he suggested we go in the shower. He turned the hot water on and jacked his cock. He tried to push in me again but he did it so forcefully he failed to get in. He turned the water off a few times and had no luck again. He told me to jack off on his cock and I did. He jacked off and came on my cock as well. We turned on the shower and washed off and he made out with me a little bit. I should mention with his glasses on he looked like a bear geek but with them off he looked incredibly sexy as well. I like both. We layed on the bed and talked for quite a bit and he told me about a lot of things to do in augusta and even a geek hang out for programmers, coders, and just techno geeks. That sounded like heaven and I decided I'll do that tomorrow. He told me about places to eat too. I like how we talked casually afterwards and had some stuff in common. I don't think he's really a dominant top though but that's okay he seems like he as a laid back attitude and not arrogance or trying to pass as a dom like Russ. I think like Russ he might be more of a bottom too.

He told me that tomorrow we can hang out some and maybe even do some stuff in Augusta. He told me he'd back back around 2 pm tomorrow and that he'd be at cumunion too. After he left I brushed my teeth. I was tired as hell. I had a bag of pretzels as a quick snack and I turned on my vita. It was very well charged. I fired up megaman x and watched the fmv special that I unlocked for beating the game. I was glad that I could watch something despite the lack of internet. I watched most of it but dozed off near the end since sony's AMOLED screen is bright and sharp as fuck and I was tired. I turned it off and dozed off finally.

The Heart of a Boy

There once was a boy who was born in another country who had a mother and father. The country was poor and so were the boy's parents. They both loved the boy but could hardly afford to feed him or take care of him. The best they could do for the boy was feed him sugar cane and put him up for adoption. The boy was not able to recall much about early surroundings and growing up. But the mother cared for the boy enough where the boy is to this day able to have one image in his mind of a mountain and a small little shack at the bottom with his mother holding him. The boy will always remember this in his mind whether it's real or not.

The boy's father did pass away shortly after the boy was born. The boy's father was a merchant and was murdered by a terrorist group known as the shining path. In the country where the boy was born, there used to be something called national terrorist day. On that day everyone stayed inside and hide because the terrorists would roam the streets and pillage, murder, and spread fear. The boy doesn't know all the details and might never, but his father was outside on a terrorist day and was murdered by the terrorist group. This very reason is probably also why the mother decided to put the boy up for adoption. Having very little money and losing her husband, she wanted the boy to live a better life and a family that could take care of him and love him.

Two gay men visited the county, a couple, who were looking to adopt. They had to barter and pay off doctors, lawyers, and all kinds of people to access certain parts of the country and even be considered. One of the things the boy remembers is the way people spoke. In the boy's home country some spoke spanish and the foreigners visiting spoke english. The boy would often mumble, or almost make out words and it was a mix between the two languages. The reason the boy would not speak and would sound things out make these noises because there were two languages at conflict. The boy wasn't sure which to pick. From the moment the boy was born he already analyzed everything and carefully calculated things.

But the boy was also born with something special and received something special from his parents. The heart of a boy. A heart of purity, strength, love, courage, consideration, and the stubbornness to never give up. The boy was adopted by the two gay fathers and lived in a residential neighborhood growing up. The boy remembers getting teddy bears and soft things growing up and having a sister who he would play with and being happy. But even at that age the boy showed kindness in pre-school to people, to friends, and to his adopted parents and sister.

As the boy grew and went to kindergarten through grade school, the boy tried his hands at sports, and masculine activities but never could quite get the hang of it. The reason why the boy's confidence lacked and why he was nervous to make friends or be around people because the boy was missing something. The boy was missing an identity and a mother. The boy would grow up watching everyone interact with their mothers and on mother's day wonder why he did not have a mother. He had two fathers and by one was forced to do more masculine and hands on activities but did not like to be forced to do things he did not want to do. But inside the boy also felt different and a bit isolated from having two fathers. The boy would at times lie about having two father's not because he was ashamed of them, he loved them very much, because of what others would think of him and them.

The boy eventually made friends his age and the boy enjoyed hanging out with his friends, doing nothing, the boy learned about cursing and sex from his friend's as well. The boy's rebellion grew too and he learned more how to rebell against adults and things he did not like and the boy liked being idiotic at times, random, stubborn, and somewhat of a pervert as well. Things eventually changed for the boy, people around the boy changed. Friends he would spend summers with or times hanging out, playing video games, talking about girls, or doing stupid stuff were different. Things they used to not care about such as status, who they spent time with, and what they did suddenly mattered. The boy lost very close friends but got to spend one last summer with them at camp so despite the change, the boy had fond memories he would keep in his heart forever.

Things not only changed with friends for the boy his parents changed as well. One of his fathers became more busy with work and relied on the other father to help the kids with homework, feed them, and care for them more. The boy struggled with school work and studies because of the lack of self confidence and the father struggled to try to understand the boy and accept that he was different from the boy and angry at that. The father would yell and scream at the boy and make the boy feel so little and so different that the boy wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and die even at that age. With difficulties at home with parents and friend's fading the boy started to grow cold and alone. The boy cried more often, the boy had less confidence in himself and the boy did more things alone and by himself. In middle and high school the peers around the boy cared more about drinking, fucking girls, sports, and things that did not interest the boy. Even among geeks and nerds the boy rarely fit in with others. The boy was very gifted and adapt with technology that the boy spent almost all his time online. This was an escape for the boy. He could talk to others around his age or a bit older, RPG with friends online and escape the real world. Online the boy could be strong, he could be smart and he had friends who he could talk to, game with and even help with. This gave the boy a strength but it also gave him a weakness.

The boy started becoming dettached from reality and spent many a nights staying up late in his online world and developed a little bit of insomnia as well. The boy's studies also suffered more than they originally did and he had more trouble in school, more trouble caring, and more problems with one of his fathers as well. As for school life, the boy was so miserable at that point where he gave up. The boy stopped going to class sometimes, would sleep in class and just dream of a world where he could be a strong proud man and did not have to be the weak coward he felt like. It wasn't all bad for the boy in school though. Although the boy did not really have friends he did have a few people he talked to. And the boy was in chorus and enjoyed singing. The boy did not care what others thought since he did not have friends anyways but the boy was able to do something he liked and it made his parents proud and gave him a little confidence.

For a time in school the boy developed a crush on a girl as well. He crushed on her for a number of years afraid to even talk to her too. The boy was very modest in school. The boy was not mean to people and sometimes overly kind. The boy got used many times by his peers and his naivety and kindness was taken advantage of. Despite this the boy still kept his kindness even though he felt cold and lonely at times. The lonliest times for the boy were actually at lunch. The boy would sometimes sit with people he knew or kind of knew but as they made more friends and had more groups and cliques the boy felt out of place even if he was "wanted" by someone. The boy still felt like an outcast.

The boy would often eat on the steps of his school away from everyone eating a cup of ramen. The boy liked the ramen for it's asian influence and the simplicity and portability of it. Everyday the boy ate lunch outside alone the boy would feel the wind blow and feel sleepy but at peace because the boy was alone. Once a boy who was afraid to be alone, sad because of the absense of his mother, a real identity or background, and self esteem issues the boy grew and learned to enjoy being alone.

The boy would take this newfound courage and strength and he would walk to the mall, the restaurants, cafe's, and just venture out listening to music and exploring. The boy would do this because when the boy felt the wind blow or look at the scenery outside the boy wanted to explore it. The boy wanted to explore it alone. The boy felt that if he travelled and did more things by himself he could learn more about himself and others. The boy was successful in the attempt and enjoyed many times venturing the mall by himself, window shopping, or going out to eat by himself. The boy even went to concerts alone to and made acquaintances with drunks or concert goers. But every connection the boy would make were just temperamental and he'd be alone again.

Eventually the boy grew to the point where he was making some friends..but like a cycle they changed, he changed, and the friendships ended. The boy's heart weakened and ached and the boy grew to the point where he wanted to be alone completely talk to no one and have no friends so that way when the boy was done with school he'd have no painful memories, no back stabbing, and no emotional attachment. Inside though, the boy knew he was fooling himself.

Whether it was fate or not, riots happened at the school and protests because of conflicts within the school system and the staff and the boy was pulled out of the school by his parents. For the remainder of the boy's high school years he went to a private school. Here the boy learned about philosophy, psychology, and literature and writing. The boy became obsessed with these three things. The boy was also able to write, work, and do his studies on his time and do them listening to music or on his laptop in his element. The boy friended the philosophy teacher as well who was a cute older man and actually grew a crush on him. As well as his math teacher.

Before the boy knew it he excelled in school like he never thought possible. The boy got good grades, studied, worked hard, and even graduated early. The boy still detested his parents and what home life became though and decided to go to college away. Before this the boy also finally turned 18 and was able to see certain movies and have sex. The boy went back to the world of the internet and instead of always jacking off talked to guys online. One of the boy's biggest revelations was saying, "I'm gay" in an online chat. The boy's heart beat, his palms sweat, and he started shaking at typing that while everyone was so warm and welcoming to him.

The boy even attended a pride in his city with friends from an online site. He had fun until they wanted to go drinking and he was not of age. But while the boy was with his friends he spotted a leather booth which caught his eye. The boy knew nothing of leather and was curious about it. But the boy also saw an older leather daddy eyeing him through the booth and through a sea of people. The boy thought nothing of it though until his friend's left him. The boy did notice that some of the friend's did not want to go to the bar and wanted to do something the boy could do as well but a few of them outvoted the rest but the boy also assured them he would be fine by himself. Afterall, that's what the boy was used to.

But the boy had other plans. He wanted to know about the leather man and his booth. The boy went inside the booth and he could feel the leatherman eying him and checking him out. The boy naively asked about the chains, whips, paddles, and the jocks and harnesses. The man feeling the boy's hesitation said he will demonstrate on the boy. The boy was ordered to bend over the and the boy felt the man's forceful hand on his ass through his jeans. The boy loved the sensation and being in the state of submission he was in. Before the boy could process anymore the boy's pants were pulled down and his bare ass was exposed in public. The boy could hear people talking and was a bit nervous about it being out in public, but the boy's fears we erased as the force of the strong man's hand hit the boy's soft ass. The boy was very turned on and had a huge hard on while being spanked in public.

After the demonstration the boy talked with the man and learned much about them. They even played a bit in the tent. The boy served the man for the weekend every time he went to the pride tent. Whether he was helping the man organize the leather, watch the shop, or servicing the man, the boy was comitted. The man brought out something in the boy. He brought out the boy's heart. The boy did have to say goodbye to the man though but the man gave the boy a special pin, a bear, and a jockstrap that the boy eyed when he first saw the shop. The man even did something that the boy knows he does not do for everyone. The boy and the man had an emotional last meal at a chinese restaurant nearby. The boy cried when he had the leave the man but the man assured the boy not to cry and be sad because the boy has a strong heart and a kind heart and that the boy will find a man of his own one day. But the man also told him that in many ways the boy will always be part of his life and be a boy of his. The man promised the boy he'd understand the meaning behind that one day.

As the boy watched the man drive off he had his first experience with leather, a leather man, and serving a kind and caring top. The man had corrupted the boy forever and was proud of it.

But not everyone admits to it

This is it.

Google's policies for this blog are pretty bullshit now. I'm pretty sure the fact that I talk about drinking quite often and sometimes drink heavy or get drunk. That and maybe me mentioning about other things I do.

Could be the barebacking. Google says that they want to encourage freedom and expression. I'm sorry but just some of the things in their content policy is bullshit.

I can understand most of it but then it gets to the point where it's just objective. Oh well.

Need to find a new place to blog now. I've enjoyed it. I'll leave this final post up for a few hours then I'll take the blog down. But I'll keep the site up. Thanks everyone.

I've really enjoyed this and I won't stop. Just do it elsewhere. FU Google.

Drinking

Might as well...

This blog might be shut down soon. Stupid google's new terms on june 30th. Really I don't think I've linked to any adult websites on here though.

Well I've always noticed that when I stop drinking after a while my tolerance goes way down. When I got orange juice on sunday and mixed it with a little vodka it was a bit overwhelming. But normally it wouldn't be. And when I made the irish coffee like frappichino I was out if it after that. I only put a little whisky in it. Barely any. But I was very overwhelmed even though I made a delicious fried rice dinner.

But I went to dinner with my Dad last night. It was great seeing him again and I haven't been to cowtippers in a long time. His friends seem really cool and they very remind me of Mark and Casey friend's of Michael and Casey. Just very forward thinking young couple who really seem to know where they are going and what's right for them. Also for some strange reason he reminded me of an old friend of mine named Tom. Not sure if it was the skin complexion because the face looked a tad bit different. But my dad was right. We would have a lot in common I could tell just by talking with him and listening. And also the fact that our hair is pretty fucking long right now.

They also gave my dad his birthday present and I learned about their situation with their parents. My dad told me about how prop 8 was overturned and how doma was shut down as well which means essentially any marriage prior in california that was "overturned" was considered unconstitional not on a federal level but something about a case by case thing with individuals. But their marriage will now be recognized and even if you marry elsewhere and come back to your home state it's recognized on a federal level. My dad was telling me in my lifetime I'll definitely be able to marry now. But he told me he and Chuck 2.0 weren't getting married anytime soon. But is happy that they can.

I had a gator bite for a drink which was a apricot orange frozen drink. That shit was strong. I had orange teriyaki glazed salmon too with fries and broccoli. Even though I was full I ate ever last bite of my meal. And I drank lots of water too. My dad got a fishbowl size drink because I mentioned that they had it in the past. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to and that it's really big. He got some blue suede shoes drink. The drink was fucking gynamourmous. It hurt just looking at it even though I wasn't drunk because I ate all my food and drank lots of water. Not to mention I ate when I got home after work.

But we all talked more and they brought cake for my dad's birthday which his friends made for him. That was really nice. He told me he was my sister a few nights ago too and they were driving by each other. He told me she waved at him and acknowledged him which I thought was nice. But then he told me she rolled up her window when they stopped at a red light and were next to each other and that hurt him. I told him not to look into that too much that she's always done cutesy shit like that where she likes to play or just do shit to piss people off just for the hell of it regardless how it makes the person feel. The fact that she acknowledged him is what he needs to focus on. He felt better after I said that and it's true I wasn't making it up.

Randy barely had any of the blue shoes drink and chuck urged me to try some. I took a taste and it was good. Really good. I joked that it scared me a bit but I could probably finish it all. No one was really sure if I could but chuck gave me a smile though as to say, "Go on..go for it." That's all it took.

I drank it all. It was really good. I thought back to what someone at work said once when I mentioned I went out drinking on st. patricks day. She said something like, "Well you're asian so asians have a higher tolerance for alcohol or something." And I did remember that Mr. Oh my bastard assistance manager is korean. He told me when he was in korea and in the army he drank everyday and normally whisky. He never got drunk or got stupid he just enjoyed drinking.

I've always told myself I want to be someone who can handle drinks. I've felt stupid when I drink and felt myself start to lose myself. But I don't allow it to happen. I don't fall or say stupid things or act a fool. That's a choice in how some people choice to act. Well maybe they also drink way too much too. But I was feeling really  happy and relaxed inside and I wanted to tell Sir everything.

I was feeling so happy that I announced I was going to new york in a few weeks. They asked what for and really wanted to know and I told them, "It's an opportunity but I'll tell when I get back". I think one of them asked if I was meeting someone and I just said that I'll tell everything when I return. My dad was really nice and funny and said, "Well if you need any money..ask beta Chuck." His ex is chuck smith and his new partner is chuck rice. I call chuck smith beta chuck.

He did not realize that beta chuck had Grandma's disney stock. I can't believe beta chuck never told him that. I still can't believe that he told me that beta chuck actually cheated on him too. I really had no idea what was going on when I was 18-20. And I told him that and I felt bad for not really knowing. He told me it wasn't my fault and I was hanging out with MIchael and Casey and that's what you do when you are at that age focus on your friends more than family.

But it was a really good dinner. I called Sir after but my battery was too low. I told him about prop 8 being overturned which seemed to make him happy. But I wanted to tell him more. But my battery died. I went to hideaway because I wanted a drink. I was in a really good place and my mind was going to places I've blocked it out of going for some time and I wanted to further explore it.

It wasn't busy at all which I liked. I was able to sit at the bar. I just ordered a cape cod. It's close to what I drank tonight so knew it would be fine. I watched everyone in the bar, talking, laughing, and happy. I saw couples together, friend's hanging out, and people just being happy and having fun. That was the reason why I came. I drank my drank while smiling and laughing a little inside too. A guy came in and sat a little close to me. I saw him look my way a few times. I took a glance at him and he was pretty cute. But I had no interest in him. Well maybe not so much that but I did not come to the bar for that. I did not go to be nervous or wonder who is looking at me or wondering how many cute guys are there or who I have a chance with. I just came to have a drink and I did. I finished my drink rather quickly. The bartender even said, "Oh wow, you finished that rather quickly do you want another one?" I told him that I was fine and thanked him for the drink and got up and left.

I don't know why it blows their minds everytime I come in and sit for a drink and leave. But then again, I was only there for maybe 20 minutes or so. I sent Sir a message since my battery regained some power but not enough. A little drunk I hated the idea but knew I needed to go to kroger to get some coffee.

They did not have as many k-cups as they used to. Fucking starbucks trying to push their frappichino bottles up everyone's ass took up like 4 shelves. Really starbucks? They aren't that good either. I saw green mountain was on a sale and so was kroger brand. I got sumatrian dark extra bold. The starbucks one I got was sumatran too but I wanted to try it. Just needed something to wake me up in mornings.

I got some disposable cups too and straws. That's all I got and I left and came home. And then I blogged. All the feelings during the day and everything I was feeling came out and I felt the need to write about it. And then I slept. Pretty good actually. And now I have to go to stupid work. Dammit. I want to write some more..

Oh yeah. And not hungover in any way whatsoever. But I was when I had that irish coffee frappichino on sunday. Must have been the frozen part that got to me.

...Because everyone drinks.

Because everyone drinks right..

Where do I start. The fact that I'm in love with a very special man and even starting to fall for his partner as well. The fact that I felt a deep fear today at work about the future and somewhat regret..where.

I don't know why but at work today when I was thinking about Sir that I love and everything about a change that is coming I thought back to where I used to be. How I used to be and who I used to be. The weak person that I was and that boy with no confidence and who hated himself. I thought back to this because I helped a co-worker find courage in himself to report an injury that he had and take care of it. I diddn't make him but I told him that it's up to him but he should at least try and not let the company push him around and treat him like shit. They probably will regardless but if he doesn't try then he has no recourse later on.

I thought back to those times I'd cry and hide and hate myself and never have any confidence or courage. How Casey and Michael changed me so much and helped me become a man because they deeply cared about me and loved me. I thought back to everything that's happened in the previous relationship and to where we are all now in the future. Casey doesn't care about living anymore. He told me next heart attack he has not to call the ambulance and let him die. He's regretful that even though he's had a lot of experiences he can't enjoy the remainder of his life and has consented to death and wishes for it sometimes. Michael doesn't know where to go right now after being used by his partner, losing his best friend/brother in many ways and being left with the bills and the entire payment to live there since he has no roomates now. Between this and debating sex and wondering if he is attractive enough or worthy for sex and fear of meeting others. And probably afraid to fall in love or maybe not ready to meet someone.

I remember the first time we discussed the death subject. I broke into tears crying saying how I don't want Casey and Michael to die because I love them and need them. And how I appreciate everything they have done for me. And this was only a few months into the relationship with them. When Casey had a heart attack I was so afraid and I went to the hospital every day to see him before work and after work. I cried even though he was okay because I was scared. When me and Casey had our falling out and he had one last bet to try and make me a man by making me hate him I diddn't waver or feel any sympathy and felt cold and resilient and stood up to him and did things on my own and took care of my shit. That man knew that I would end up hating him by him giving me the ultimanium but he took that hate because the trade off was me growing, learning, and becoming more of a man. I still detest him for that. I broke into tears when he told me this. We could have been more of friends. We could have been closer but why the hell did he go and make me hate him. To give me a challenge, activate my stubbornness so I got in gear. With his Sir in the past his Sir tested him too and made him hate him to make Casey stronger. Casey did not realize it until it was too late and probably broke down like I did. But at that point it was too late and his Sir was already leaving and Casey probably never got to reconcile with him. He had to live with that. And he has given me his fate and the cycle he's been in. It's very likely when I'm much much older I'll have a boy someday too and maybe do what he did. Well that's what him and Paul would probably want. I've never been one to follow a direct path or be guided by fate. But who really knows.

I'm sad because more than likely  when I go to live with Sir and Don..I wonder how Casey will do without me. Not only that but with how much he smokes and his health. It's very likely he might pass away in the next few years. And I think he knows that. How will I react when that happens. The first man I ever loved and the one who made the biggest impact on me and changed me. Will I curse, will I scream, will I cry, will I hate the world, hate myself, will I fall, will I want to die? Everyone goes through death. People might never heal from someone passing away but they move on because they have to. But will I be strong enough too. When I was with Michael a few nights ago and we hugged and I heard him laugh. When he passes..my brother that i love. Will his laughter, his happiness, his joy, his love will that just become a curse and when everytime I hear him laugh or hear his goofy voice in my mind. Will it cause me pain and suffering.

Maybe I'm selfish for fearing people that I love passing away because I'm not privilledged that I can just skip people dying around me. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I'm stronger that's for sure. But I just don't know. It hurts thinking about it. It hurts that all the time we spent together, all the hugs and everything we had. Will be gone once they pass. I'll have to carry on everything they were, their personality, their traits, their goals, their dreams, their love, their happiness, their sorrow and their guilt. Because I don't know if people go to heaven or hell when they die. I don't know if they just cease to exist. But as long as I can keep some memory of them alive even if hurts even if it causes me pain. That will in some ways keep them alive.

Dammit when I was younger and in high school I never talked to anyone, I was always a loner, ate lunch by myself had no friends and told myself I want things to always be this way. Just by myself  with no one. I won't ever make friends but that means I'll never get hurt by people or hurt people. I'll never have to say goodbye. I'll never hurt when a friend leaves or if someone I love leaves or passes. If I could detach myself from all emotions I'd never hurt right. I was so stupid to think that way. People in high school fell in love, had friends, dated, had break ups, got betrayed and hurt by people and grew stronger from experiences. But I did not allow myself to feel that or do that. I've done that over the last few years.

Can I really do it again. Can I really allow myself to fall in love with a couple again and be their boy. The emotional investment, the love, the caring, and the strength and bond that we'd build. But someday it would end. I'm already a mess right now thinking of the fact that eventually Michael and Casey will die and it tears me up inside because they are my best friends and former lovers. Besides Sir, Don, and my family they are the only people in the world who really matter to me. I care more about them then myself I always have. If only I never fell in love if only I never had friends. If I were to die it would just be that. I wouldn't be hurting anyone, no one would be hurt by me passing and I wouldn't miss anyone or feel hurt. I might be scared of dying but by that time it probably wouldn't matter anymore.

Why. Why did I have to meet them. Why did it have to end. Why couldn't I have been with them longer. We were strong. I loved them and cared about them. But like families everywhere they broke up but I seperated from them as well. And why did I have to fall in love again and with a couple again. And why do they already show signs of showing the same care, concern, and love for my well being. Why do I always need saving. I remember Michael and Casey told me they almost kidnapped me at one time because of home life and everything they wanted me to be in a better place with love and happiness but we took our time to get together.

Just like Sir and Don. Why am I being saved again. Am I that weak where I need to be saved. Why can't I save myself. I know what I need to do and I know I can do it. But why can't it..why can't I be complete by  myself. Why do I have to have others in my life to be complete and to reach my full potential and strength. Why can't I just do it on my own. Damnit...and now I'm getting closer with my dad too. That's a twist I never thought would happen.

I'm scared. I'm not scared because I don't think it will work out. I'm scared because I know it will probably work out really well. But I was afraid to try and even think about persuing a couple again but here I am doing it again. I love how Sir and Don are different. They have their own personalities, interests, and yet they are also similar. I always thought that I need to be with someone who has my exact same interests but after being with Michael and Casey I realized that's not the case. And for some reason. I feel like me and Sir are very similar for some reason. I wonder what Sir was like when I was younger. But Sir really loves me and I know Don does too. He might not have said it and I might not have said it. But he's already showing it. And I'm trying as well. It won't be like it was with Michael where I was hated and not wanted at first. But I have a feeling that Don actually really wants me to be part of their relationship almost as much as Wayne does.

After so many nights of not being able to write why is it that just a little drinking enabled me tonight. Who really knows.

I just wonder. How much I'll change by being with Sir and Don. But I even feared that when going to private school at one point and was afraid of the civil ness of the school and the structure. I thought that would change me and make me conform. But it made me a better person. I've never been against change like others and I embrace it. But that doesn't mean that I can't fear it.

But the one thing I have to always remember that Michael and Casey gave me is love. They gave me so much love..so much love and happiness and they filled me with it. It's going to hurt so much when their gone..but I won't be alone when that day comes. I won't sink into darkness and lose myself completely to the most real and cruel reality of this world. Which is death. And I always need to remember what Michael told me, "You're better than this. You don't need to hide in a corner or cry on the floor. Stand up, be a man, and face it. Never look down and be strong."

So if I feel this strongly and fear so much the death of Michael and Casey. One I become part of Sir and Don't relationship. How will I deal with that when their time comes. Of course this is all assuming I'll outlive everyone. Which I don't know if I will..but for some reason. I have a feeling I will.

I'm scared. But I'm also tired of being alone and I want to be part of Sir and Don't relationship. I want to be their boy and be their partner/lover.

...And now I'm fading. Thank god I got coffee for tomorrow. Thank God.

Fear, Panic, Anxiety, Excitement, Anxious, Stress, and Waiting. Numb. Sleep?

Shit.

Where do I begin.

I can't right now.

Well maybe now I can. There was probably a strong chance I'd fall asleep. I considered it as a chance. I also intended to text Sir and let him know because of what I went through I was worn out and going to sleep. But I did not. I was just trying to relax and when I hit the bed I hit the bed so heavy and it hurt but it felt relaxing at the same time. I was just trying to think things through but I dozed off. On the side of the bed I normally don't sleep on either.

Let's re-cap. Had a great night before. Me and Michael had fun, we watched some cheesy dancing/talent shows..but the british ones were awesome. English people are so cool. Their accents is sex. And I told him A LOT about Sir and Don. And he approved a lot of it but also wants to ensure I am okay, happy, and that if things don't work out I have a place I can go and still have my stuff. But I'll talk about that later. So I got home that night really happy and slept great.

I woke up, had coffee, would have liked to gotten up earlier but was pretty happy. I was finally going to get my tests done today and find out my viral load. It's been months since I should have been doing this and work amazingly gave me the time off. I was really happy at work and worked hard. Was pissed off when they tried to blame something on me and when I went to them the day before letting them know there was a problem that I discovered and they choose not to deal with it then. Classic company. But not my problem. I just worked hard and was happy. Until lunchtime. My stomach was really hurting and I was feeling weak. Shit, all that energy I had I needed lunch. But i was not allowed lunch because of the doctors appointment. But if I was going to get blood drawn then I would need food..because I'm scared of needles to begin with.

I tried to get a co-worker to sneak me food after lunch but she couldn't. So I went down at lunch time and slammed a honey bun from my locker and took a few gummies upstairs. I destroyed teh gummies and the natural fruit bar. I felt great at first and had energy but then I felt sick from just eating gummies when I was starving. Damn but it was better then nothing. I should have re-filled my water bottle though because I was getting dehydrated.

My work was slowing down after I ate the snacks. I felt more tired, exhausted, and just worn out. Dammit. I wanted to be good for the doctor but work was fucking with me. I did my best to ignore and endure the pain, tiredness, and fatigue I was feeling and keep working. But it was showing. I couldn't stand at some points and lost my balance more so than earlier. It became more of a rush and panic near the end too. Anxiety and anxiousness kicked in too while I was dreading the blood drawn and hoping I don't freak out. But I was scared. Also getting anxious and stressed about leaving work because it got a little busy up until I had to go. But before I could leave my boss stopped me. Asking if I pulled firstview the day before. I explained to him I did and that I found the quantities missing that day, wrote it down on the pick list I pulled, and showed it to the assistant manager informing their was a problem. He took a deep sigh and told me, "okay". I'll probably get yelled at or questioning the assistant manager the next day asking why i threw him under the boss or told the boss. When his ass blamed me for the whole macy's project or anything else he feels. I was honest. I would have told him that we were all busy that day but I diddn't because I was tired and needed to go to the doctor.

And I saw Sir's texts. Ha funny Sir we think alike. I was rushing liking hell to get to the doctors. I was scared my phone would die but I had faith and I tried to memorize the directions from GPS and kept going back to the list directions in case it died so I could make it there without getting lost. I was also so rushed that I wouldn't make it there early so I could eat. I got a little bit of traffic on the way. But somehow I made it there and got KFC in advance so I wouldn't fucking freak out if I got blood drawn. But I was still very scared of that.

I ate in the car and finally went in. It was locked since they open again at lunch time err at 3 pm. Which was the appointment.

I went inside and told the lady my name scared as hell of the blood drawn and just everything in general. I'm not good with doctors. She told me, "Oh you're appointment is next week not this week. I asked if there was any way I could do it today she told me their isn't." I explained to her that I can't come back because of my work schedule but she told me that I can at least fill out the paper work and come back when I can.

I felt destroyed. I felt defeated. I felt like I completely failed. After all this time and the promise I made to Sir of getting my levels known and getting taken care of. I fucked up. I was rushed that day when I called because I was in work mode and don't get long breaks. I think she did say the 26th. So why did I assume it was this week. I just completely fucked up and now I won't be able to go back. Damn that was stupid. And I was already starting to panic that of all the times I've been stressed since october. Even if it takes years for counts to lower and to be in more danger of being full blown AIDS my stress has a huge impact on me and my health and could possibly accelerate that time. Was in danger? Probably not but then again stress does fuck up a lot of things and I wanted to know for my own health and peace of mind as well. But i fucked up.

So I let Sir know..but then I lost it and started texting Sir more then I wanted to. I couldn't properly process how I felt at the doctor's office since their were people around but inside I felt broken, dead, hurt, and I just wanted to dissapear altogether but I was starting to show that as I texted Sir. I wanted to cry I wanted to just break down because I needed this for my own health and Sir wanted to know as well. And I was genuinely concerned about my health. But like everything else I fucked up and failed. Of all it took to come to the doctor I wasted the once chance and window of oppertunity I got. Sir called but I couldn't really talk becuase I don't like talking in the doctor's office and I diddn't want to show what I was feeling. Especially not there. I hung up on Sir which I shouldn't have done but I was scared and hurt.

I gave them the paper work and waited. Just waited because they told me to. I figured fuck this I'm leaving since I already wasted my time off and might as well go home and do something productive. But I knew I couldn't. So I tried to think of ANYTHING i could do productive right then. But I realized I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but wait. And I wasn't enduring..I was suffering. I was so happy to talk to Sir earlier in the day. But I was completely gone at that point.

A little light came out of nowhere. Someone who worked there saw I was distressed and asked what was wrong. I told her I came at the wrong date and was waiting on the women because she told me to. She gave me an alternative after disproving my work and job that a doctor's note might suffice. I worried about the title logo and if they look it up my work can discover I'm poz. She told me it's against the law for them to do that because it violates my rights but that she can't stop others from doing what they will do. All she can do is help me.

She was right. I called Sir back asking what I should do but knew I had to keep it brief. Thank god Sir gave me the confidence to go through with it. So I kept next week's appointment and took the note.

I thanked her kindly. Realizing that Sir was busy I still needed to talk to someone. Thank god I still have support. I still have friends and people I can talk to who care about me and understand. That's the most important thing before you have a relationship, during, and after or if it ends as well. And I have that.

Casey could tell how distressed I was but I re-assured him that the doctor's note can work and they can't look into the company name because it's against the law. He told me that doesn't mean they'll do it. Companies do that and knowing the company I work at. He's absolutely right. Fuck the panic came back. He told me he'll think of something. But he's having fun in Flordia and he was genuinely concerned. Despite everything that's happened with us he's still there for me. I need to remember that and be there for him to. As a friend. I called Michael and told him too that I went but fucked up on the date and he agrees that I shouldn't let work stop me from getting things taken care of. But he trusts me and knows I'll figure something out.

I called back Keith and Joey too because I read on facebook that Joey fell out of a tree and for weeks was in serious pain and in critical care in the hospital and keith was scared to death. I called Joey weeks ago and realized how bad it was and called them a few days ago especially after father's day when Keith was sad because his father is gone. They called me the day before back but I was busy. I left another message.

Keith and Joey have done a lot for me. They originally agreed to go with me to AID Atlanta in person since I was nervous, keith invited me to his birthday, I got to remember what like walking with a couple was like again and spending time with them. And the sex and the leather instinct that keith re-awakened and making me face what I really desire and want.

I want to have good and strong friends and support in my life. Keith, Joey, Michael, Casey. I want those 4 to be the people I can turn to no matter what happens. Even when I'm with Sir. I have to go have support and friends and I also want others to know I'm happy or how I'm doing.

But I was in such shock and so numb driving home. I really overworked myself and scared myself to death. My original fear was blood being taken but the reality of not being able to get that done was so much worse than the initial fear.

But still I was worn out when I got home. I was still hurt and lonely. I even missed Casey being in the apartment because the part of me that "Likes" being alone and doing things by myself is starting to die down thanks to meeting Sir and Don. I made spaghetti that casey left. He won't be back for weeks and it would go bad if not eaten. Plus I need to be careful not to go out too much or use too much gas.

I hit the bed..hard. I still hurt, I still wanted to cry, I still felt scared, still unsure. But I told myself I can't afford to feel like that right now. I can't afford to feel weak and cry or hurt. I still have things I have to do. But it was too much and I passed out. Just way too much stress and god knows what that did to my health. But it was just too much. I felt bad about not letting Sir know I was not going to be able to talk for the night but Sir probably already guessed I was distressed and went through something and would probably be KOed for the evening.

Which I was. Sir says sometimes when I'm in distress that he wants to hold me, hug me, kiss me, and love me. But in reality that doesn't help if I'm in distress. When I'm scared, or panicked (panic doesn't happen much..very rare) I need truth, I need reality, and I need something that I can grasp onto as confidence that can give me the strength to overcome it or the knowledge. Me and Sir haven't met yet. I understand that he can't physically be here to help me. I mentioned before that I am in hell right now. I am. I can't even  properly get HIV medications or care taken care of because if my work finds out they'll block me. Part of me wanted to ask Sir if I can get tests done when I'm in new york, if I fly back again, or in florida. But that's not fair for me to ask of Sir. For him to rescue me. I still have a life here that while it's falling apart and while I'm falling I have to get back up and re-strengthen it. Work will always be work. I'll be tired, I'll be exhausted, I'll be anxious, or hurt but I have to remain strong and now show that Sir. It looks bad.

And about Sir flying me I'm grateful that he is. But I know that he already got me p house, flying me, I know Sir doesn't have unlimited income and even if he did it's not fair of me to ask. That's when he mentioned he'd pay for a few other stuff I told him he doesn't have to and did so on my own. Even if I couldn't pay rent for some reason I wouldn't ask Sir. I was really close to not being able to this month because of shit that came up but fortunately I will be able to now. It will be close to the end but I'll be okay. But I know Sir also wants to buy that new RV and part of consideration for me is in that as well because he wants us to have a nice home. And I'm apppreciated and honored by that. But I know we all need to save our money.

So what Sir needs to understand is he can't save me right now. We haven't physically met. I am in hell right now and even after I meet Sir I'll still be back in it. But I have to get a hold on it myself. I can continue to learn more about Sir and Don and get excited to meet them and use that desire, love, and happiness as a backbone or base to make things easier for me in this hell. But that's all I can do right now. I cannot afford to get out of reality right now. If I do then everything will fall apart.

I don't know what I'm going to do with medications and getting tests done. I won't ask Sir but I might have to wait. I can't risk work. But inside that hurts me even more knowing that work is stopping me from doing something that is important and essential to my health and that might cause more stress and more of a burden. But I fucking need this job. Only reason why I'm here. I'll grow more resentful. But I have to try and remember what Kelly a co-worker told me once, "It's okay that you're tired Max. I know you're a hard worker and that you like working hard."

...I have to remember that. I have to remember who I am and not forget it. Honest, hard worker, kind, nice..but this company is chipping away at that. But I have to remain strong..just a little bit longer.

I love Sir and I can't wait to meet him. And I can't wait to tell him some things..and it's been a bad week but hopefully it will get better.

Endure...

What a day it's been. Woke up late for work because of bastard alarm not going off and my phone was still broken from the other day. I don't know what the hell I did. But it's gone..and sometimes alive. If this was in the past I might not care so much because I could just use my tablet or something for apps and not like I talked to people that much anyways. But Sir. I have to make sure I have a way to talk to him. That's very frustrating..it was frustrating on sunday and sunday night trying to think of how to fix my phone and then trying to plan further of what my options are if my phone flatout dies. 

And I was tired last night but determined to fix it..I thought it worked but I failed. So this morning I immediately called work and let them know I was running late. I paid my liberty mutual bill and georgia power bill. That hurt. But I couldn't think of that, couldn't think of showering or anything. I sent Sir a message through google voice. I might have known I was having a long day ahead but I had to make sure I let Sir know I was okay and that I might not be in contact for a while. I don't want Sir to worry anymore. It hurts when I know that I've worried Sir. 

So I rushed to work with no coffee or breakfast. I figured I'd get harassed by my boss and everyone but since I told HR they already knew and did not care. I was able to avoid my boss easily but even when I saw him earlier he just asked how I was without any bullshit. I was really surprised and somewhat scared. I know that they don't need a reason to fire me..but I sure as hell don't want to give them a reason. 

I knew I couldn't be tired, I couldn't have mixed feelings, and I couldn't be weak. I might not like my job and they treat me like shit but I wasn't intentionally trying to be late and I felt bad about it. I worked hard and hit the ground running as soon as I got there. Lifting heavy boxes, lots of pick lists, and lots of rush. I told myself that I just have to endure..just keep enduring like I always do. I might not be the strongest, might not be the smartest, I might be clumsy, stupid, and foolish. But there's one thing I can do it's fucking endure. I can endure so much and take so much. Much more than others can. Those bastards don't know me anyways.

I was working so hard and so fast that before I knew it lunch time was already here. I intentionally skipped my first break because I felt bad about being late. I immediately went home and heated up my teriyaki chicken from panda express. Was fucking good. But my phone was still shitting on me and I couldn't contact Sir. Dammit. I tried to eat some until it finally worked. I did not have long but I at least let him know I was okay. I got my roomate to go to the bank to so no overdrafts. That was very nice of him.

So I left and went back to work. When I got back I was saved from doing skylight and had lots of amex to put on the floor. Thank god. I had someone help me too. I quickly noticed work was slowing down and it was slow. Shit I hate to endure more. I was hoping it would be busy the whole day so all i had to endure was bullshit, stress, and rush which I could do because I'd just act and not think and just move without reason until it's time to go. I got practice doing that a long time ago. But one of the most difficult things to endure is boring times or slow times. Nothing you can really do to accerlate time with that. I did my best, did as much work came until i could finally talk to Sir. I was happy to talk to him but a little tired but happy that he was doing something fun.

I might be in hell right now. I might have to endure and I might be falling. But at the very least Sir is doing well and is having fun and happy. Even if I'm miserable or in my own hell. Just knowing that others are happy or doing well makes me smile regardless of the situation. And Sir makes me smile a lot too. I slowed down near the end and got so fucking tired I couldn't do much more. A co-worker was suppoesd to meet me in break room to give me water but she was praying or something. Forgot about ramaden coming up. LOL sounds like ramen. Near the end of the shift I was told that I fullfilled a box downstairs instead of upstairs and that I need to be more careful and that he was blamed for my mistake. 

Motherfucker..I was so rushed on friday because the guy was at the doctors. I told him, "I apologize, when I rush I don't always check lot id's and quanities. I'll be more careful." I knew it diddn't matter though because as soon as the assistant manager knows he'll blame the shit out of me and tell the boss and I won't get in trouble but it will be once again everyone fucking looking down on me or thinking I can't do anything and don't care about the job. And even though they treat me like shit..I still fucking care. Even though I shouldn't. Kelly is right. I like to work hard. I just figured "Fuck them" after that and I just did stuff on the floor to pass time until it was time to go. Enduring the bullshit and the stress finally payed off..but I was tired as hell.

And I couldn't call Sir because my phone battery was dead..at least battery over phone. I got home and got in the shower but realized me and my roomate weren't going to the store so I got my phone working and called Sir. But while I was calling him phone died again..but I was really happy he showed me the rv they are looking at. That made me really happy. So I made dinner but it took forever to eat and I was hungry snacking on the chicken bites..but taking away from my protein.

I was finally ready to eat and the computer finished the bluetooth updates..but fucking bluetooth still diddn't work. Motherfucking windows 8. You're UI is so beautiful but taking away bluetooth is an asshole move. At this point I might need to get a bluetooth adapter. But I have to find a way to get it working so i can contact Sir if my phone goes out completely. I don't want to lose that connection. 

I felt bad because Sir was telling me on the phone how much he really loves me, cares about me, and needs me. It made me really happy but also sad. Because I'm in such a state that I'm blocking out certain emotions and not allowing myself to really feel happiness or peace..because if I do I'll fall out right then and there. And I have too much I need to get done right now. I need to get some food, get some TP, and maybe some snacks. And a skype card to see if that works. 

But I felt like an ass and like some ways I rejected Sir. I told him the times I felt and wanted and needed him so bad when I was with other guys. But I ignored what he was trying to tell me and feel for me because I'm so stressed and hurt right now by all the stupid bullshit. Unfortunately I'm at my limit right now. And i think he knows it. But still. Once again I made Sir sad and hurt. And not only that..but I'm regressing a bit right now. That's even worse.

But even if I hurt Sir even if I'm an asshole I can't falter. I have to get done what I need to get done so I'm prepared. I wish I could tell Sir how I feel. But I can't afford to go to that place right now because it will distract me from everything. I wish I could explain that to him.

..And worse. Things are about to get so much tighter these next two weeks. I just have to be really careful and I have to fucking endure more. Of course before something good happens and change comes the hardest part and the toughest endurance is right around the corner. The only conselation I can say is going through this hell and going through this pain and hurt is that at the very end even If I'm weak, hurt, scared, and lost that I can fall into Sir's arms and cry and tell him how much I love him and kiss him and hold him and let him know how much I care about him.

But until then. I can't afford to feel week or lose control of my emotions. Lacking on sleep and stress. It's hard to control them as it is. I just have to endure a little bit more. Just a little bit more and everything will be okay..

At A Different Place in Time

This spaghetti is fucking awesome..what a totally stupid thing to say and kill the meaning of this post. But eating lunch right now so extremely happy. I've been eating fast food way too fucking much. At least I've been careful with money..except for fast food..well I'll go to grocery store eventually.

Back on topic.

This has been going through my mind lately. I had a feeling that I would have a connection with the client I was going to meet. On the phone his voice sounded very sweet and he sounded nice and sincere. He was with his emails and texts as well. I had a good feeling which is why I made sure I was well rested and ready since I had a feeling this wasn't going to be a quick fuck. And in truth maybe I'm tired of that altogether.

But I think last night also confirmed what I thought of with Doug earlier this week when he came over.

I pulled into the driveway and saw this very handsome sexy older daddy. I thought, "Fuck is this who I'm seeing..?" He was dressed in a hawaiin shirt with short brown shorts and sandals. This complimented what I was wearing which was a small tight shirt, my short shorts I got from ft. lauderdale and a pair of flip flops. One of the first things we did was introduce each other and he leaned in close and gave me a kiss and I kissed him back. I could already tell there was passion when we kissed. He led me into the house and asked if I wanted a drink. I replied, "I'll have water." He laughed asking, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have something else?". Cheeky bastard. Why the hell am I even using that terminology. That's english? Not like I really watch english porn or movies. But english accents are hella cool. I replied, "Well what do you have?". He named off the alcohols and I melted. Then I thought.."Mixers?". He asked if I want it just plain and opened the fridge.

As if my eye was some kind of recording or scanning device I scanned the fridge in an instant and saw all the mixers he had. Coke, orange juice, apple juice (DON'T JUDGE ME!), and what I thought was cranberry juice. LOCK ON!

I was about to ask for a cape cod when I saw it was cranberry jam. DAMN. I decided on a screwdriver. After all..I just had that a few nights ago did I not..where did I last have that? Shit why did I forget where I had it. I remembered at that moment I just had that a few nights ago but where? Oh well.

He made me a screwdriver and it was perfect. Not too strong. We went on the couch and talked a bit and we sipped our drinks. We started making out and he was a damn good kisser. He was very sexy and we were both really into each other. He smoked a bit which I don't do but let him do. He did something surprising though and took a puff and made out with and while our tongues swirled around the smoke and we both took it. I can't remember how long it's been since I did that..Michael was that last and only guy I ever did that with. Then again..he did piss fuck me before anyone ever did. He did do ALOT with me and brought out ALOT in me so it probably was him.

But I was extremely horny and he took off my shirt and shorts until I was on his couch in nothing but my bikini briefs making out with him. We took a quick break to have a drink since we were making out so much and then we resumed. He pulled out my cock and he took it in his mouth. I was a bit nervous at first so it wasn't fully hard but we made out some more and he played with my ass and rubbed my crack and hole and I instantly got hard. I watched as he bobbed up and down on my cock and saw that sexy mustache go up and down. Fuck he was good. He sucked me nice and gentle and I could feel his wet warm mouth and the friction. I felt the feeling I get when I am fucking someone. I started fucking his face really getting into it but saw he was having a little trouble and slowed down. I almost creamed his throat several times. Eventually he pulled off my bikini briefs and I took of his shirt and undid his zipper. I was sucking on his cock and it was a nice cock. Tasted and felt really good in my mouth. He suggested to me we go to the bedroom. I agreed.

I had a little more of my drink since I was damn thirsty from all the kissing. It was good. We got in bed and we were both naked and we romped around in bed making out, feeling each other, and just feeling good. He went back to sucking me and this time I got really close to coming. I felt his ass too and felt how nice and tight his hole felt and that got me harder and hornier. I was starting to lose control and I really started fucking his face and it wasn't me just wanting to cum it was me wanting to cum in his mouth. He pulled off again though so I slowed down and pulled out so he could breath. We 69'ed and I sucked his cock while he sucked mine and I loved the feeling of my cock being sucked and sucking on his. The more I sucked on his the harder mine got and he started fucking my face. It felt so hot feeling his cock thrust in and out of my mouth and me applying the pressure and wetness with my mouth and he shouted he was going to cum. He came and I swallowed all of it. It was damn good and I jacked off my own dick while sucking him and I came.

We took a break and talked a bit and learned more about each other. We then went back to making out and rolling around in the bed. I came a few more times and I got him to come again too. After we were done rolling around and making out we rested in bed. He embraced me as we spooned and I felt something.

I felt sad. I liked making out with him, sucking, and rolling around but when he was embracing me like that and feeling a little drunk too. I wanted it to be my Sir that was holding me. I wanted it to be my Sir that I was in bed with. I did not think of this while playing with him earlier because I recognized his identity as who he is. A very sexy man whose probably done a lot in life and has a lot of passion, and is a lot of fun with in bed.

I thought back to when me and Doug were playing too and when we were holding each other tenderly. Or when I was with another client and I was servicing him while he looked down on me. I think that one had heavier impact on me because the WAY i was servicing him and pleasing him..that's something I wanted to do with Sir. But I don't know. Maybe just lots of emotions. But I do know one thing.

At a Different Place in Time me and Doug could have gotten together after we had drunken sex that night. We could have seen each other more and maybe even dated. Same as the client before and even the client tonight. We had a lot in common, or lots of passion and lust and desire for each other. In another time we probably would have done okay.

And maybe that was the most painful realization. I've always gone by the theory that "There's other fish in the sea" or I don't subscribe to the theory of soul mates. If your soul mate gets hit by a car or something than you get cheated out of your soul mate because you'll never meet. But there are easily lots of guys I could be with. Maybe that's more of the powerful realization. All these times I went out to the bars or other places. Could I have really easily found someone if I really wanted to. The compliments I was given last time by different guys at different places like, "You're very sweet.", "Why are you so kind", "Why are you a breathe of fresh air here", "It's that smile that I like", "You could have any guy here if you wanted to".

But maybe because I did not have enough confidence in myself and that that other boys my age are more attractive than me and just I don't have the right attitude. But maybe it's not having the attitude that makes me attractive. And I have been told countless times and heard many guys say, "If a hot guy has a horrible attitude or is a jerk he's attractive." So does that mean that, "If an average guy has a really nice attitude he shines?". Is that the case with me? Maybe I'm still learning these things.

But back to last night. A huge part of me wanted to stay with him longer. He already told me how much he had and we went well past an hour already. But it felt so nice being cuddled up with him and having him embrace me. We could have easily fallen asleep in each others arms. He already told me to stay as long as I wanted earlier on. So the ball was in my court huh. How nice it would have been to fall asleep with him. To have someone hold me, touch me, and just be with him.

But I have someone. I have a Sir who loves me and cares about me. Not only would it not be fair to to do that but I don't want to have feelings that towards other guys. I think because Doug proved that, "I can't have sex without some emotion involved." Meaning it won't always be "No strings attached" for me doesn't mean I'll go off with another guy. But maybe depending on the guy whether I feel devoted to him, wanting to stay with him longer, or whatever the feelings are. Now I understand why Sir and Don have their rule about no sleepovers. I understand the impact it can make. It's one thing to play with someone and even have feelings about them in some shape or form. Doesn't mean it's love but if there is some kind of emotional attachment you have with a person. When you leave them and go on you're way you are sort of severing that or at least setting the boundaries for that. By staying with that person such as overnight you are almost forming that bond or connection with them despite bonds or connections you have elsewhere. Even if it's love with another.

..Now I understand. It takes an adult..a man be with someone and even if they do play with someone to not only feel in their heart that they love their partner but to not let their love get mixed with another. You can't fault someone for feeling something. But you can damn well fault if they act on it and take it farther and cross boundaries. I wonder how other escorts feel. If they ever fall for clients if they sometimes give the clients a freebie, stay overnight with them for an hour's price or if they keep it professional and thank the client and leave.

That's why I did not stay last night. As much as I wanted to feel the touch of another man. To be wanted..to be needed, to be loved. I ALREADY AM LOVED. My Sir loves me and Don cares about me. Doug, this client, and the other they know nothing about me. Sir is the one who loves me and understands me. That doesn't mean in another place in time I couldn't have been with one of them or it wouldn't of worked out.

It's that in my heart I've chosen SIR. I might be a whore and a slut and I might like lots of cock or now even ass or getting head. But I know who I belong to. I know who I dedicate myself to. I chose them and they chose me.

And this doesn't mean I can't see clients more than once like this or have other clients. It's that I do need to remember to be professional. Because currently I'm choosing not to hook up with others and just see clients because of dedication to Sir. Not sure if it's something I'm trying to prove to him or myself. But maybe..I don't need to prove anything to Sir.

This probably means that maybe now I can have sex with others. Now that I know I might always feel some kind of emotional attachment to someone..because that's just who I am with sex. That's a way I feel and the connection I feel with another even if it's just a hook up. I won't lie and say I did not have feelings for that bear bud I used to see or my fuck bud from TN. Whether they had feelings for me or not is another story. But that just means I'll be a damn good boyfriend, lover, boy, slave, partner for a man or two and that if I do have sex outside the relationship or now whether it's escorting or not. It means I'm making someone else happy. I'm making them feel really good about themselves and maybe making them feel something they haven't felt in ages or re-igniting a spark. That is one of the reasons I became an escort. Because I recognized when I hooked up with men in the past for some it did some I re-ignited a spark or made them happier. And that made me happy because I like to make people happy. But I know who my Sir is and the couple that I belong to and have chosen to be with.

Maybe I really am growing up. Not only learning to control emotions. But learning what causes these emotions how the affect me and evaluating them and learning more about myself. Because apparently my emotions tell ALOT about who I am.

...That's probably why Keith told me that one time, "I know what you want boy. I can read you like a book. You know what you want to don't you boy. You know what you need and what you crave boy. It's to be owned boy."

...That bastard..if it wasn't for him. But if it wasn't for him I would have never met Sir and Don. But still those words still haunt me..they haunt me because I wasn't able to recognize my own emotions and feelings for myself and admit it to myself. And it also haunts me because I really almost did give up leather, almost did give up going out and meeting people and even considering dating.

But more than likely with Keith and even other's i've met at one point in time. I've learned that sometimes people come into your life at a certain time and it might even be brief or to pass along a message. But maybe the reason they do so is to help you further yourself and help you grow.

..I guess the one thing I should never forgot. Is Casey, Michael, everyone up til now. I can't ever forget them. Because without them and various people I've met. There's no way I would have gotten to where I am and met Sir and Don. Because I've chosen to be with them.