Endure...

What a day it's been. Woke up late for work because of bastard alarm not going off and my phone was still broken from the other day. I don't know what the hell I did. But it's gone..and sometimes alive. If this was in the past I might not care so much because I could just use my tablet or something for apps and not like I talked to people that much anyways. But Sir. I have to make sure I have a way to talk to him. That's very frustrating..it was frustrating on sunday and sunday night trying to think of how to fix my phone and then trying to plan further of what my options are if my phone flatout dies. 

And I was tired last night but determined to fix it..I thought it worked but I failed. So this morning I immediately called work and let them know I was running late. I paid my liberty mutual bill and georgia power bill. That hurt. But I couldn't think of that, couldn't think of showering or anything. I sent Sir a message through google voice. I might have known I was having a long day ahead but I had to make sure I let Sir know I was okay and that I might not be in contact for a while. I don't want Sir to worry anymore. It hurts when I know that I've worried Sir. 

So I rushed to work with no coffee or breakfast. I figured I'd get harassed by my boss and everyone but since I told HR they already knew and did not care. I was able to avoid my boss easily but even when I saw him earlier he just asked how I was without any bullshit. I was really surprised and somewhat scared. I know that they don't need a reason to fire me..but I sure as hell don't want to give them a reason. 

I knew I couldn't be tired, I couldn't have mixed feelings, and I couldn't be weak. I might not like my job and they treat me like shit but I wasn't intentionally trying to be late and I felt bad about it. I worked hard and hit the ground running as soon as I got there. Lifting heavy boxes, lots of pick lists, and lots of rush. I told myself that I just have to endure..just keep enduring like I always do. I might not be the strongest, might not be the smartest, I might be clumsy, stupid, and foolish. But there's one thing I can do it's fucking endure. I can endure so much and take so much. Much more than others can. Those bastards don't know me anyways.

I was working so hard and so fast that before I knew it lunch time was already here. I intentionally skipped my first break because I felt bad about being late. I immediately went home and heated up my teriyaki chicken from panda express. Was fucking good. But my phone was still shitting on me and I couldn't contact Sir. Dammit. I tried to eat some until it finally worked. I did not have long but I at least let him know I was okay. I got my roomate to go to the bank to so no overdrafts. That was very nice of him.

So I left and went back to work. When I got back I was saved from doing skylight and had lots of amex to put on the floor. Thank god. I had someone help me too. I quickly noticed work was slowing down and it was slow. Shit I hate to endure more. I was hoping it would be busy the whole day so all i had to endure was bullshit, stress, and rush which I could do because I'd just act and not think and just move without reason until it's time to go. I got practice doing that a long time ago. But one of the most difficult things to endure is boring times or slow times. Nothing you can really do to accerlate time with that. I did my best, did as much work came until i could finally talk to Sir. I was happy to talk to him but a little tired but happy that he was doing something fun.

I might be in hell right now. I might have to endure and I might be falling. But at the very least Sir is doing well and is having fun and happy. Even if I'm miserable or in my own hell. Just knowing that others are happy or doing well makes me smile regardless of the situation. And Sir makes me smile a lot too. I slowed down near the end and got so fucking tired I couldn't do much more. A co-worker was suppoesd to meet me in break room to give me water but she was praying or something. Forgot about ramaden coming up. LOL sounds like ramen. Near the end of the shift I was told that I fullfilled a box downstairs instead of upstairs and that I need to be more careful and that he was blamed for my mistake. 

Motherfucker..I was so rushed on friday because the guy was at the doctors. I told him, "I apologize, when I rush I don't always check lot id's and quanities. I'll be more careful." I knew it diddn't matter though because as soon as the assistant manager knows he'll blame the shit out of me and tell the boss and I won't get in trouble but it will be once again everyone fucking looking down on me or thinking I can't do anything and don't care about the job. And even though they treat me like shit..I still fucking care. Even though I shouldn't. Kelly is right. I like to work hard. I just figured "Fuck them" after that and I just did stuff on the floor to pass time until it was time to go. Enduring the bullshit and the stress finally payed off..but I was tired as hell.

And I couldn't call Sir because my phone battery was dead..at least battery over phone. I got home and got in the shower but realized me and my roomate weren't going to the store so I got my phone working and called Sir. But while I was calling him phone died again..but I was really happy he showed me the rv they are looking at. That made me really happy. So I made dinner but it took forever to eat and I was hungry snacking on the chicken bites..but taking away from my protein.

I was finally ready to eat and the computer finished the bluetooth updates..but fucking bluetooth still diddn't work. Motherfucking windows 8. You're UI is so beautiful but taking away bluetooth is an asshole move. At this point I might need to get a bluetooth adapter. But I have to find a way to get it working so i can contact Sir if my phone goes out completely. I don't want to lose that connection. 

I felt bad because Sir was telling me on the phone how much he really loves me, cares about me, and needs me. It made me really happy but also sad. Because I'm in such a state that I'm blocking out certain emotions and not allowing myself to really feel happiness or peace..because if I do I'll fall out right then and there. And I have too much I need to get done right now. I need to get some food, get some TP, and maybe some snacks. And a skype card to see if that works. 

But I felt like an ass and like some ways I rejected Sir. I told him the times I felt and wanted and needed him so bad when I was with other guys. But I ignored what he was trying to tell me and feel for me because I'm so stressed and hurt right now by all the stupid bullshit. Unfortunately I'm at my limit right now. And i think he knows it. But still. Once again I made Sir sad and hurt. And not only that..but I'm regressing a bit right now. That's even worse.

But even if I hurt Sir even if I'm an asshole I can't falter. I have to get done what I need to get done so I'm prepared. I wish I could tell Sir how I feel. But I can't afford to go to that place right now because it will distract me from everything. I wish I could explain that to him.

..And worse. Things are about to get so much tighter these next two weeks. I just have to be really careful and I have to fucking endure more. Of course before something good happens and change comes the hardest part and the toughest endurance is right around the corner. The only conselation I can say is going through this hell and going through this pain and hurt is that at the very end even If I'm weak, hurt, scared, and lost that I can fall into Sir's arms and cry and tell him how much I love him and kiss him and hold him and let him know how much I care about him.

But until then. I can't afford to feel week or lose control of my emotions. Lacking on sleep and stress. It's hard to control them as it is. I just have to endure a little bit more. Just a little bit more and everything will be okay..