Shit.
Where do I begin.
I can't right now.
Well maybe now I can. There was probably a strong chance I'd fall asleep. I considered it as a chance. I also intended to text Sir and let him know because of what I went through I was worn out and going to sleep. But I did not. I was just trying to relax and when I hit the bed I hit the bed so heavy and it hurt but it felt relaxing at the same time. I was just trying to think things through but I dozed off. On the side of the bed I normally don't sleep on either.
Let's re-cap. Had a great night before. Me and Michael had fun, we watched some cheesy dancing/talent shows..but the british ones were awesome. English people are so cool. Their accents is sex. And I told him A LOT about Sir and Don. And he approved a lot of it but also wants to ensure I am okay, happy, and that if things don't work out I have a place I can go and still have my stuff. But I'll talk about that later. So I got home that night really happy and slept great.
I woke up, had coffee, would have liked to gotten up earlier but was pretty happy. I was finally going to get my tests done today and find out my viral load. It's been months since I should have been doing this and work amazingly gave me the time off. I was really happy at work and worked hard. Was pissed off when they tried to blame something on me and when I went to them the day before letting them know there was a problem that I discovered and they choose not to deal with it then. Classic company. But not my problem. I just worked hard and was happy. Until lunchtime. My stomach was really hurting and I was feeling weak. Shit, all that energy I had I needed lunch. But i was not allowed lunch because of the doctors appointment. But if I was going to get blood drawn then I would need food..because I'm scared of needles to begin with.
I tried to get a co-worker to sneak me food after lunch but she couldn't. So I went down at lunch time and slammed a honey bun from my locker and took a few gummies upstairs. I destroyed teh gummies and the natural fruit bar. I felt great at first and had energy but then I felt sick from just eating gummies when I was starving. Damn but it was better then nothing. I should have re-filled my water bottle though because I was getting dehydrated.
My work was slowing down after I ate the snacks. I felt more tired, exhausted, and just worn out. Dammit. I wanted to be good for the doctor but work was fucking with me. I did my best to ignore and endure the pain, tiredness, and fatigue I was feeling and keep working. But it was showing. I couldn't stand at some points and lost my balance more so than earlier. It became more of a rush and panic near the end too. Anxiety and anxiousness kicked in too while I was dreading the blood drawn and hoping I don't freak out. But I was scared. Also getting anxious and stressed about leaving work because it got a little busy up until I had to go. But before I could leave my boss stopped me. Asking if I pulled firstview the day before. I explained to him I did and that I found the quantities missing that day, wrote it down on the pick list I pulled, and showed it to the assistant manager informing their was a problem. He took a deep sigh and told me, "okay". I'll probably get yelled at or questioning the assistant manager the next day asking why i threw him under the boss or told the boss. When his ass blamed me for the whole macy's project or anything else he feels. I was honest. I would have told him that we were all busy that day but I diddn't because I was tired and needed to go to the doctor.
And I saw Sir's texts. Ha funny Sir we think alike. I was rushing liking hell to get to the doctors. I was scared my phone would die but I had faith and I tried to memorize the directions from GPS and kept going back to the list directions in case it died so I could make it there without getting lost. I was also so rushed that I wouldn't make it there early so I could eat. I got a little bit of traffic on the way. But somehow I made it there and got KFC in advance so I wouldn't fucking freak out if I got blood drawn. But I was still very scared of that.
I ate in the car and finally went in. It was locked since they open again at lunch time err at 3 pm. Which was the appointment.
I went inside and told the lady my name scared as hell of the blood drawn and just everything in general. I'm not good with doctors. She told me, "Oh you're appointment is next week not this week. I asked if there was any way I could do it today she told me their isn't." I explained to her that I can't come back because of my work schedule but she told me that I can at least fill out the paper work and come back when I can.
I felt destroyed. I felt defeated. I felt like I completely failed. After all this time and the promise I made to Sir of getting my levels known and getting taken care of. I fucked up. I was rushed that day when I called because I was in work mode and don't get long breaks. I think she did say the 26th. So why did I assume it was this week. I just completely fucked up and now I won't be able to go back. Damn that was stupid. And I was already starting to panic that of all the times I've been stressed since october. Even if it takes years for counts to lower and to be in more danger of being full blown AIDS my stress has a huge impact on me and my health and could possibly accelerate that time. Was in danger? Probably not but then again stress does fuck up a lot of things and I wanted to know for my own health and peace of mind as well. But i fucked up.
So I let Sir know..but then I lost it and started texting Sir more then I wanted to. I couldn't properly process how I felt at the doctor's office since their were people around but inside I felt broken, dead, hurt, and I just wanted to dissapear altogether but I was starting to show that as I texted Sir. I wanted to cry I wanted to just break down because I needed this for my own health and Sir wanted to know as well. And I was genuinely concerned about my health. But like everything else I fucked up and failed. Of all it took to come to the doctor I wasted the once chance and window of oppertunity I got. Sir called but I couldn't really talk becuase I don't like talking in the doctor's office and I diddn't want to show what I was feeling. Especially not there. I hung up on Sir which I shouldn't have done but I was scared and hurt.
I gave them the paper work and waited. Just waited because they told me to. I figured fuck this I'm leaving since I already wasted my time off and might as well go home and do something productive. But I knew I couldn't. So I tried to think of ANYTHING i could do productive right then. But I realized I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but wait. And I wasn't enduring..I was suffering. I was so happy to talk to Sir earlier in the day. But I was completely gone at that point.
A little light came out of nowhere. Someone who worked there saw I was distressed and asked what was wrong. I told her I came at the wrong date and was waiting on the women because she told me to. She gave me an alternative after disproving my work and job that a doctor's note might suffice. I worried about the title logo and if they look it up my work can discover I'm poz. She told me it's against the law for them to do that because it violates my rights but that she can't stop others from doing what they will do. All she can do is help me.
She was right. I called Sir back asking what I should do but knew I had to keep it brief. Thank god Sir gave me the confidence to go through with it. So I kept next week's appointment and took the note.
I thanked her kindly. Realizing that Sir was busy I still needed to talk to someone. Thank god I still have support. I still have friends and people I can talk to who care about me and understand. That's the most important thing before you have a relationship, during, and after or if it ends as well. And I have that.
Casey could tell how distressed I was but I re-assured him that the doctor's note can work and they can't look into the company name because it's against the law. He told me that doesn't mean they'll do it. Companies do that and knowing the company I work at. He's absolutely right. Fuck the panic came back. He told me he'll think of something. But he's having fun in Flordia and he was genuinely concerned. Despite everything that's happened with us he's still there for me. I need to remember that and be there for him to. As a friend. I called Michael and told him too that I went but fucked up on the date and he agrees that I shouldn't let work stop me from getting things taken care of. But he trusts me and knows I'll figure something out.
I called back Keith and Joey too because I read on facebook that Joey fell out of a tree and for weeks was in serious pain and in critical care in the hospital and keith was scared to death. I called Joey weeks ago and realized how bad it was and called them a few days ago especially after father's day when Keith was sad because his father is gone. They called me the day before back but I was busy. I left another message.
Keith and Joey have done a lot for me. They originally agreed to go with me to AID Atlanta in person since I was nervous, keith invited me to his birthday, I got to remember what like walking with a couple was like again and spending time with them. And the sex and the leather instinct that keith re-awakened and making me face what I really desire and want.
I want to have good and strong friends and support in my life. Keith, Joey, Michael, Casey. I want those 4 to be the people I can turn to no matter what happens. Even when I'm with Sir. I have to go have support and friends and I also want others to know I'm happy or how I'm doing.
But I was in such shock and so numb driving home. I really overworked myself and scared myself to death. My original fear was blood being taken but the reality of not being able to get that done was so much worse than the initial fear.
But still I was worn out when I got home. I was still hurt and lonely. I even missed Casey being in the apartment because the part of me that "Likes" being alone and doing things by myself is starting to die down thanks to meeting Sir and Don. I made spaghetti that casey left. He won't be back for weeks and it would go bad if not eaten. Plus I need to be careful not to go out too much or use too much gas.
I hit the bed..hard. I still hurt, I still wanted to cry, I still felt scared, still unsure. But I told myself I can't afford to feel like that right now. I can't afford to feel weak and cry or hurt. I still have things I have to do. But it was too much and I passed out. Just way too much stress and god knows what that did to my health. But it was just too much. I felt bad about not letting Sir know I was not going to be able to talk for the night but Sir probably already guessed I was distressed and went through something and would probably be KOed for the evening.
Which I was. Sir says sometimes when I'm in distress that he wants to hold me, hug me, kiss me, and love me. But in reality that doesn't help if I'm in distress. When I'm scared, or panicked (panic doesn't happen much..very rare) I need truth, I need reality, and I need something that I can grasp onto as confidence that can give me the strength to overcome it or the knowledge. Me and Sir haven't met yet. I understand that he can't physically be here to help me. I mentioned before that I am in hell right now. I am. I can't even properly get HIV medications or care taken care of because if my work finds out they'll block me. Part of me wanted to ask Sir if I can get tests done when I'm in new york, if I fly back again, or in florida. But that's not fair for me to ask of Sir. For him to rescue me. I still have a life here that while it's falling apart and while I'm falling I have to get back up and re-strengthen it. Work will always be work. I'll be tired, I'll be exhausted, I'll be anxious, or hurt but I have to remain strong and now show that Sir. It looks bad.
And about Sir flying me I'm grateful that he is. But I know that he already got me p house, flying me, I know Sir doesn't have unlimited income and even if he did it's not fair of me to ask. That's when he mentioned he'd pay for a few other stuff I told him he doesn't have to and did so on my own. Even if I couldn't pay rent for some reason I wouldn't ask Sir. I was really close to not being able to this month because of shit that came up but fortunately I will be able to now. It will be close to the end but I'll be okay. But I know Sir also wants to buy that new RV and part of consideration for me is in that as well because he wants us to have a nice home. And I'm apppreciated and honored by that. But I know we all need to save our money.
So what Sir needs to understand is he can't save me right now. We haven't physically met. I am in hell right now and even after I meet Sir I'll still be back in it. But I have to get a hold on it myself. I can continue to learn more about Sir and Don and get excited to meet them and use that desire, love, and happiness as a backbone or base to make things easier for me in this hell. But that's all I can do right now. I cannot afford to get out of reality right now. If I do then everything will fall apart.
I don't know what I'm going to do with medications and getting tests done. I won't ask Sir but I might have to wait. I can't risk work. But inside that hurts me even more knowing that work is stopping me from doing something that is important and essential to my health and that might cause more stress and more of a burden. But I fucking need this job. Only reason why I'm here. I'll grow more resentful. But I have to try and remember what Kelly a co-worker told me once, "It's okay that you're tired Max. I know you're a hard worker and that you like working hard."
...I have to remember that. I have to remember who I am and not forget it. Honest, hard worker, kind, nice..but this company is chipping away at that. But I have to remain strong..just a little bit longer.
I love Sir and I can't wait to meet him. And I can't wait to tell him some things..and it's been a bad week but hopefully it will get better.
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