...Because everyone drinks.

Because everyone drinks right..

Where do I start. The fact that I'm in love with a very special man and even starting to fall for his partner as well. The fact that I felt a deep fear today at work about the future and somewhat regret..where.

I don't know why but at work today when I was thinking about Sir that I love and everything about a change that is coming I thought back to where I used to be. How I used to be and who I used to be. The weak person that I was and that boy with no confidence and who hated himself. I thought back to this because I helped a co-worker find courage in himself to report an injury that he had and take care of it. I diddn't make him but I told him that it's up to him but he should at least try and not let the company push him around and treat him like shit. They probably will regardless but if he doesn't try then he has no recourse later on.

I thought back to those times I'd cry and hide and hate myself and never have any confidence or courage. How Casey and Michael changed me so much and helped me become a man because they deeply cared about me and loved me. I thought back to everything that's happened in the previous relationship and to where we are all now in the future. Casey doesn't care about living anymore. He told me next heart attack he has not to call the ambulance and let him die. He's regretful that even though he's had a lot of experiences he can't enjoy the remainder of his life and has consented to death and wishes for it sometimes. Michael doesn't know where to go right now after being used by his partner, losing his best friend/brother in many ways and being left with the bills and the entire payment to live there since he has no roomates now. Between this and debating sex and wondering if he is attractive enough or worthy for sex and fear of meeting others. And probably afraid to fall in love or maybe not ready to meet someone.

I remember the first time we discussed the death subject. I broke into tears crying saying how I don't want Casey and Michael to die because I love them and need them. And how I appreciate everything they have done for me. And this was only a few months into the relationship with them. When Casey had a heart attack I was so afraid and I went to the hospital every day to see him before work and after work. I cried even though he was okay because I was scared. When me and Casey had our falling out and he had one last bet to try and make me a man by making me hate him I diddn't waver or feel any sympathy and felt cold and resilient and stood up to him and did things on my own and took care of my shit. That man knew that I would end up hating him by him giving me the ultimanium but he took that hate because the trade off was me growing, learning, and becoming more of a man. I still detest him for that. I broke into tears when he told me this. We could have been more of friends. We could have been closer but why the hell did he go and make me hate him. To give me a challenge, activate my stubbornness so I got in gear. With his Sir in the past his Sir tested him too and made him hate him to make Casey stronger. Casey did not realize it until it was too late and probably broke down like I did. But at that point it was too late and his Sir was already leaving and Casey probably never got to reconcile with him. He had to live with that. And he has given me his fate and the cycle he's been in. It's very likely when I'm much much older I'll have a boy someday too and maybe do what he did. Well that's what him and Paul would probably want. I've never been one to follow a direct path or be guided by fate. But who really knows.

I'm sad because more than likely  when I go to live with Sir and Don..I wonder how Casey will do without me. Not only that but with how much he smokes and his health. It's very likely he might pass away in the next few years. And I think he knows that. How will I react when that happens. The first man I ever loved and the one who made the biggest impact on me and changed me. Will I curse, will I scream, will I cry, will I hate the world, hate myself, will I fall, will I want to die? Everyone goes through death. People might never heal from someone passing away but they move on because they have to. But will I be strong enough too. When I was with Michael a few nights ago and we hugged and I heard him laugh. When he passes..my brother that i love. Will his laughter, his happiness, his joy, his love will that just become a curse and when everytime I hear him laugh or hear his goofy voice in my mind. Will it cause me pain and suffering.

Maybe I'm selfish for fearing people that I love passing away because I'm not privilledged that I can just skip people dying around me. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I'm stronger that's for sure. But I just don't know. It hurts thinking about it. It hurts that all the time we spent together, all the hugs and everything we had. Will be gone once they pass. I'll have to carry on everything they were, their personality, their traits, their goals, their dreams, their love, their happiness, their sorrow and their guilt. Because I don't know if people go to heaven or hell when they die. I don't know if they just cease to exist. But as long as I can keep some memory of them alive even if hurts even if it causes me pain. That will in some ways keep them alive.

Dammit when I was younger and in high school I never talked to anyone, I was always a loner, ate lunch by myself had no friends and told myself I want things to always be this way. Just by myself  with no one. I won't ever make friends but that means I'll never get hurt by people or hurt people. I'll never have to say goodbye. I'll never hurt when a friend leaves or if someone I love leaves or passes. If I could detach myself from all emotions I'd never hurt right. I was so stupid to think that way. People in high school fell in love, had friends, dated, had break ups, got betrayed and hurt by people and grew stronger from experiences. But I did not allow myself to feel that or do that. I've done that over the last few years.

Can I really do it again. Can I really allow myself to fall in love with a couple again and be their boy. The emotional investment, the love, the caring, and the strength and bond that we'd build. But someday it would end. I'm already a mess right now thinking of the fact that eventually Michael and Casey will die and it tears me up inside because they are my best friends and former lovers. Besides Sir, Don, and my family they are the only people in the world who really matter to me. I care more about them then myself I always have. If only I never fell in love if only I never had friends. If I were to die it would just be that. I wouldn't be hurting anyone, no one would be hurt by me passing and I wouldn't miss anyone or feel hurt. I might be scared of dying but by that time it probably wouldn't matter anymore.

Why. Why did I have to meet them. Why did it have to end. Why couldn't I have been with them longer. We were strong. I loved them and cared about them. But like families everywhere they broke up but I seperated from them as well. And why did I have to fall in love again and with a couple again. And why do they already show signs of showing the same care, concern, and love for my well being. Why do I always need saving. I remember Michael and Casey told me they almost kidnapped me at one time because of home life and everything they wanted me to be in a better place with love and happiness but we took our time to get together.

Just like Sir and Don. Why am I being saved again. Am I that weak where I need to be saved. Why can't I save myself. I know what I need to do and I know I can do it. But why can't it..why can't I be complete by  myself. Why do I have to have others in my life to be complete and to reach my full potential and strength. Why can't I just do it on my own. Damnit...and now I'm getting closer with my dad too. That's a twist I never thought would happen.

I'm scared. I'm not scared because I don't think it will work out. I'm scared because I know it will probably work out really well. But I was afraid to try and even think about persuing a couple again but here I am doing it again. I love how Sir and Don are different. They have their own personalities, interests, and yet they are also similar. I always thought that I need to be with someone who has my exact same interests but after being with Michael and Casey I realized that's not the case. And for some reason. I feel like me and Sir are very similar for some reason. I wonder what Sir was like when I was younger. But Sir really loves me and I know Don does too. He might not have said it and I might not have said it. But he's already showing it. And I'm trying as well. It won't be like it was with Michael where I was hated and not wanted at first. But I have a feeling that Don actually really wants me to be part of their relationship almost as much as Wayne does.

After so many nights of not being able to write why is it that just a little drinking enabled me tonight. Who really knows.

I just wonder. How much I'll change by being with Sir and Don. But I even feared that when going to private school at one point and was afraid of the civil ness of the school and the structure. I thought that would change me and make me conform. But it made me a better person. I've never been against change like others and I embrace it. But that doesn't mean that I can't fear it.

But the one thing I have to always remember that Michael and Casey gave me is love. They gave me so much love..so much love and happiness and they filled me with it. It's going to hurt so much when their gone..but I won't be alone when that day comes. I won't sink into darkness and lose myself completely to the most real and cruel reality of this world. Which is death. And I always need to remember what Michael told me, "You're better than this. You don't need to hide in a corner or cry on the floor. Stand up, be a man, and face it. Never look down and be strong."

So if I feel this strongly and fear so much the death of Michael and Casey. One I become part of Sir and Don't relationship. How will I deal with that when their time comes. Of course this is all assuming I'll outlive everyone. Which I don't know if I will..but for some reason. I have a feeling I will.

I'm scared. But I'm also tired of being alone and I want to be part of Sir and Don't relationship. I want to be their boy and be their partner/lover.

...And now I'm fading. Thank god I got coffee for tomorrow. Thank God.