But not everyone admits to it

This is it.

Google's policies for this blog are pretty bullshit now. I'm pretty sure the fact that I talk about drinking quite often and sometimes drink heavy or get drunk. That and maybe me mentioning about other things I do.

Could be the barebacking. Google says that they want to encourage freedom and expression. I'm sorry but just some of the things in their content policy is bullshit.

I can understand most of it but then it gets to the point where it's just objective. Oh well.

Need to find a new place to blog now. I've enjoyed it. I'll leave this final post up for a few hours then I'll take the blog down. But I'll keep the site up. Thanks everyone.

I've really enjoyed this and I won't stop. Just do it elsewhere. FU Google.

Drinking

Might as well...

This blog might be shut down soon. Stupid google's new terms on june 30th. Really I don't think I've linked to any adult websites on here though.

Well I've always noticed that when I stop drinking after a while my tolerance goes way down. When I got orange juice on sunday and mixed it with a little vodka it was a bit overwhelming. But normally it wouldn't be. And when I made the irish coffee like frappichino I was out if it after that. I only put a little whisky in it. Barely any. But I was very overwhelmed even though I made a delicious fried rice dinner.

But I went to dinner with my Dad last night. It was great seeing him again and I haven't been to cowtippers in a long time. His friends seem really cool and they very remind me of Mark and Casey friend's of Michael and Casey. Just very forward thinking young couple who really seem to know where they are going and what's right for them. Also for some strange reason he reminded me of an old friend of mine named Tom. Not sure if it was the skin complexion because the face looked a tad bit different. But my dad was right. We would have a lot in common I could tell just by talking with him and listening. And also the fact that our hair is pretty fucking long right now.

They also gave my dad his birthday present and I learned about their situation with their parents. My dad told me about how prop 8 was overturned and how doma was shut down as well which means essentially any marriage prior in california that was "overturned" was considered unconstitional not on a federal level but something about a case by case thing with individuals. But their marriage will now be recognized and even if you marry elsewhere and come back to your home state it's recognized on a federal level. My dad was telling me in my lifetime I'll definitely be able to marry now. But he told me he and Chuck 2.0 weren't getting married anytime soon. But is happy that they can.

I had a gator bite for a drink which was a apricot orange frozen drink. That shit was strong. I had orange teriyaki glazed salmon too with fries and broccoli. Even though I was full I ate ever last bite of my meal. And I drank lots of water too. My dad got a fishbowl size drink because I mentioned that they had it in the past. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to and that it's really big. He got some blue suede shoes drink. The drink was fucking gynamourmous. It hurt just looking at it even though I wasn't drunk because I ate all my food and drank lots of water. Not to mention I ate when I got home after work.

But we all talked more and they brought cake for my dad's birthday which his friends made for him. That was really nice. He told me he was my sister a few nights ago too and they were driving by each other. He told me she waved at him and acknowledged him which I thought was nice. But then he told me she rolled up her window when they stopped at a red light and were next to each other and that hurt him. I told him not to look into that too much that she's always done cutesy shit like that where she likes to play or just do shit to piss people off just for the hell of it regardless how it makes the person feel. The fact that she acknowledged him is what he needs to focus on. He felt better after I said that and it's true I wasn't making it up.

Randy barely had any of the blue shoes drink and chuck urged me to try some. I took a taste and it was good. Really good. I joked that it scared me a bit but I could probably finish it all. No one was really sure if I could but chuck gave me a smile though as to say, "Go on..go for it." That's all it took.

I drank it all. It was really good. I thought back to what someone at work said once when I mentioned I went out drinking on st. patricks day. She said something like, "Well you're asian so asians have a higher tolerance for alcohol or something." And I did remember that Mr. Oh my bastard assistance manager is korean. He told me when he was in korea and in the army he drank everyday and normally whisky. He never got drunk or got stupid he just enjoyed drinking.

I've always told myself I want to be someone who can handle drinks. I've felt stupid when I drink and felt myself start to lose myself. But I don't allow it to happen. I don't fall or say stupid things or act a fool. That's a choice in how some people choice to act. Well maybe they also drink way too much too. But I was feeling really  happy and relaxed inside and I wanted to tell Sir everything.

I was feeling so happy that I announced I was going to new york in a few weeks. They asked what for and really wanted to know and I told them, "It's an opportunity but I'll tell when I get back". I think one of them asked if I was meeting someone and I just said that I'll tell everything when I return. My dad was really nice and funny and said, "Well if you need any money..ask beta Chuck." His ex is chuck smith and his new partner is chuck rice. I call chuck smith beta chuck.

He did not realize that beta chuck had Grandma's disney stock. I can't believe beta chuck never told him that. I still can't believe that he told me that beta chuck actually cheated on him too. I really had no idea what was going on when I was 18-20. And I told him that and I felt bad for not really knowing. He told me it wasn't my fault and I was hanging out with MIchael and Casey and that's what you do when you are at that age focus on your friends more than family.

But it was a really good dinner. I called Sir after but my battery was too low. I told him about prop 8 being overturned which seemed to make him happy. But I wanted to tell him more. But my battery died. I went to hideaway because I wanted a drink. I was in a really good place and my mind was going to places I've blocked it out of going for some time and I wanted to further explore it.

It wasn't busy at all which I liked. I was able to sit at the bar. I just ordered a cape cod. It's close to what I drank tonight so knew it would be fine. I watched everyone in the bar, talking, laughing, and happy. I saw couples together, friend's hanging out, and people just being happy and having fun. That was the reason why I came. I drank my drank while smiling and laughing a little inside too. A guy came in and sat a little close to me. I saw him look my way a few times. I took a glance at him and he was pretty cute. But I had no interest in him. Well maybe not so much that but I did not come to the bar for that. I did not go to be nervous or wonder who is looking at me or wondering how many cute guys are there or who I have a chance with. I just came to have a drink and I did. I finished my drink rather quickly. The bartender even said, "Oh wow, you finished that rather quickly do you want another one?" I told him that I was fine and thanked him for the drink and got up and left.

I don't know why it blows their minds everytime I come in and sit for a drink and leave. But then again, I was only there for maybe 20 minutes or so. I sent Sir a message since my battery regained some power but not enough. A little drunk I hated the idea but knew I needed to go to kroger to get some coffee.

They did not have as many k-cups as they used to. Fucking starbucks trying to push their frappichino bottles up everyone's ass took up like 4 shelves. Really starbucks? They aren't that good either. I saw green mountain was on a sale and so was kroger brand. I got sumatrian dark extra bold. The starbucks one I got was sumatran too but I wanted to try it. Just needed something to wake me up in mornings.

I got some disposable cups too and straws. That's all I got and I left and came home. And then I blogged. All the feelings during the day and everything I was feeling came out and I felt the need to write about it. And then I slept. Pretty good actually. And now I have to go to stupid work. Dammit. I want to write some more..

Oh yeah. And not hungover in any way whatsoever. But I was when I had that irish coffee frappichino on sunday. Must have been the frozen part that got to me.

...Because everyone drinks.

Because everyone drinks right..

Where do I start. The fact that I'm in love with a very special man and even starting to fall for his partner as well. The fact that I felt a deep fear today at work about the future and somewhat regret..where.

I don't know why but at work today when I was thinking about Sir that I love and everything about a change that is coming I thought back to where I used to be. How I used to be and who I used to be. The weak person that I was and that boy with no confidence and who hated himself. I thought back to this because I helped a co-worker find courage in himself to report an injury that he had and take care of it. I diddn't make him but I told him that it's up to him but he should at least try and not let the company push him around and treat him like shit. They probably will regardless but if he doesn't try then he has no recourse later on.

I thought back to those times I'd cry and hide and hate myself and never have any confidence or courage. How Casey and Michael changed me so much and helped me become a man because they deeply cared about me and loved me. I thought back to everything that's happened in the previous relationship and to where we are all now in the future. Casey doesn't care about living anymore. He told me next heart attack he has not to call the ambulance and let him die. He's regretful that even though he's had a lot of experiences he can't enjoy the remainder of his life and has consented to death and wishes for it sometimes. Michael doesn't know where to go right now after being used by his partner, losing his best friend/brother in many ways and being left with the bills and the entire payment to live there since he has no roomates now. Between this and debating sex and wondering if he is attractive enough or worthy for sex and fear of meeting others. And probably afraid to fall in love or maybe not ready to meet someone.

I remember the first time we discussed the death subject. I broke into tears crying saying how I don't want Casey and Michael to die because I love them and need them. And how I appreciate everything they have done for me. And this was only a few months into the relationship with them. When Casey had a heart attack I was so afraid and I went to the hospital every day to see him before work and after work. I cried even though he was okay because I was scared. When me and Casey had our falling out and he had one last bet to try and make me a man by making me hate him I diddn't waver or feel any sympathy and felt cold and resilient and stood up to him and did things on my own and took care of my shit. That man knew that I would end up hating him by him giving me the ultimanium but he took that hate because the trade off was me growing, learning, and becoming more of a man. I still detest him for that. I broke into tears when he told me this. We could have been more of friends. We could have been closer but why the hell did he go and make me hate him. To give me a challenge, activate my stubbornness so I got in gear. With his Sir in the past his Sir tested him too and made him hate him to make Casey stronger. Casey did not realize it until it was too late and probably broke down like I did. But at that point it was too late and his Sir was already leaving and Casey probably never got to reconcile with him. He had to live with that. And he has given me his fate and the cycle he's been in. It's very likely when I'm much much older I'll have a boy someday too and maybe do what he did. Well that's what him and Paul would probably want. I've never been one to follow a direct path or be guided by fate. But who really knows.

I'm sad because more than likely  when I go to live with Sir and Don..I wonder how Casey will do without me. Not only that but with how much he smokes and his health. It's very likely he might pass away in the next few years. And I think he knows that. How will I react when that happens. The first man I ever loved and the one who made the biggest impact on me and changed me. Will I curse, will I scream, will I cry, will I hate the world, hate myself, will I fall, will I want to die? Everyone goes through death. People might never heal from someone passing away but they move on because they have to. But will I be strong enough too. When I was with Michael a few nights ago and we hugged and I heard him laugh. When he passes..my brother that i love. Will his laughter, his happiness, his joy, his love will that just become a curse and when everytime I hear him laugh or hear his goofy voice in my mind. Will it cause me pain and suffering.

Maybe I'm selfish for fearing people that I love passing away because I'm not privilledged that I can just skip people dying around me. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I'm stronger that's for sure. But I just don't know. It hurts thinking about it. It hurts that all the time we spent together, all the hugs and everything we had. Will be gone once they pass. I'll have to carry on everything they were, their personality, their traits, their goals, their dreams, their love, their happiness, their sorrow and their guilt. Because I don't know if people go to heaven or hell when they die. I don't know if they just cease to exist. But as long as I can keep some memory of them alive even if hurts even if it causes me pain. That will in some ways keep them alive.

Dammit when I was younger and in high school I never talked to anyone, I was always a loner, ate lunch by myself had no friends and told myself I want things to always be this way. Just by myself  with no one. I won't ever make friends but that means I'll never get hurt by people or hurt people. I'll never have to say goodbye. I'll never hurt when a friend leaves or if someone I love leaves or passes. If I could detach myself from all emotions I'd never hurt right. I was so stupid to think that way. People in high school fell in love, had friends, dated, had break ups, got betrayed and hurt by people and grew stronger from experiences. But I did not allow myself to feel that or do that. I've done that over the last few years.

Can I really do it again. Can I really allow myself to fall in love with a couple again and be their boy. The emotional investment, the love, the caring, and the strength and bond that we'd build. But someday it would end. I'm already a mess right now thinking of the fact that eventually Michael and Casey will die and it tears me up inside because they are my best friends and former lovers. Besides Sir, Don, and my family they are the only people in the world who really matter to me. I care more about them then myself I always have. If only I never fell in love if only I never had friends. If I were to die it would just be that. I wouldn't be hurting anyone, no one would be hurt by me passing and I wouldn't miss anyone or feel hurt. I might be scared of dying but by that time it probably wouldn't matter anymore.

Why. Why did I have to meet them. Why did it have to end. Why couldn't I have been with them longer. We were strong. I loved them and cared about them. But like families everywhere they broke up but I seperated from them as well. And why did I have to fall in love again and with a couple again. And why do they already show signs of showing the same care, concern, and love for my well being. Why do I always need saving. I remember Michael and Casey told me they almost kidnapped me at one time because of home life and everything they wanted me to be in a better place with love and happiness but we took our time to get together.

Just like Sir and Don. Why am I being saved again. Am I that weak where I need to be saved. Why can't I save myself. I know what I need to do and I know I can do it. But why can't it..why can't I be complete by  myself. Why do I have to have others in my life to be complete and to reach my full potential and strength. Why can't I just do it on my own. Damnit...and now I'm getting closer with my dad too. That's a twist I never thought would happen.

I'm scared. I'm not scared because I don't think it will work out. I'm scared because I know it will probably work out really well. But I was afraid to try and even think about persuing a couple again but here I am doing it again. I love how Sir and Don are different. They have their own personalities, interests, and yet they are also similar. I always thought that I need to be with someone who has my exact same interests but after being with Michael and Casey I realized that's not the case. And for some reason. I feel like me and Sir are very similar for some reason. I wonder what Sir was like when I was younger. But Sir really loves me and I know Don does too. He might not have said it and I might not have said it. But he's already showing it. And I'm trying as well. It won't be like it was with Michael where I was hated and not wanted at first. But I have a feeling that Don actually really wants me to be part of their relationship almost as much as Wayne does.

After so many nights of not being able to write why is it that just a little drinking enabled me tonight. Who really knows.

I just wonder. How much I'll change by being with Sir and Don. But I even feared that when going to private school at one point and was afraid of the civil ness of the school and the structure. I thought that would change me and make me conform. But it made me a better person. I've never been against change like others and I embrace it. But that doesn't mean that I can't fear it.

But the one thing I have to always remember that Michael and Casey gave me is love. They gave me so much love..so much love and happiness and they filled me with it. It's going to hurt so much when their gone..but I won't be alone when that day comes. I won't sink into darkness and lose myself completely to the most real and cruel reality of this world. Which is death. And I always need to remember what Michael told me, "You're better than this. You don't need to hide in a corner or cry on the floor. Stand up, be a man, and face it. Never look down and be strong."

So if I feel this strongly and fear so much the death of Michael and Casey. One I become part of Sir and Don't relationship. How will I deal with that when their time comes. Of course this is all assuming I'll outlive everyone. Which I don't know if I will..but for some reason. I have a feeling I will.

I'm scared. But I'm also tired of being alone and I want to be part of Sir and Don't relationship. I want to be their boy and be their partner/lover.

...And now I'm fading. Thank god I got coffee for tomorrow. Thank God.

Fear, Panic, Anxiety, Excitement, Anxious, Stress, and Waiting. Numb. Sleep?

Shit.

Where do I begin.

I can't right now.

Well maybe now I can. There was probably a strong chance I'd fall asleep. I considered it as a chance. I also intended to text Sir and let him know because of what I went through I was worn out and going to sleep. But I did not. I was just trying to relax and when I hit the bed I hit the bed so heavy and it hurt but it felt relaxing at the same time. I was just trying to think things through but I dozed off. On the side of the bed I normally don't sleep on either.

Let's re-cap. Had a great night before. Me and Michael had fun, we watched some cheesy dancing/talent shows..but the british ones were awesome. English people are so cool. Their accents is sex. And I told him A LOT about Sir and Don. And he approved a lot of it but also wants to ensure I am okay, happy, and that if things don't work out I have a place I can go and still have my stuff. But I'll talk about that later. So I got home that night really happy and slept great.

I woke up, had coffee, would have liked to gotten up earlier but was pretty happy. I was finally going to get my tests done today and find out my viral load. It's been months since I should have been doing this and work amazingly gave me the time off. I was really happy at work and worked hard. Was pissed off when they tried to blame something on me and when I went to them the day before letting them know there was a problem that I discovered and they choose not to deal with it then. Classic company. But not my problem. I just worked hard and was happy. Until lunchtime. My stomach was really hurting and I was feeling weak. Shit, all that energy I had I needed lunch. But i was not allowed lunch because of the doctors appointment. But if I was going to get blood drawn then I would need food..because I'm scared of needles to begin with.

I tried to get a co-worker to sneak me food after lunch but she couldn't. So I went down at lunch time and slammed a honey bun from my locker and took a few gummies upstairs. I destroyed teh gummies and the natural fruit bar. I felt great at first and had energy but then I felt sick from just eating gummies when I was starving. Damn but it was better then nothing. I should have re-filled my water bottle though because I was getting dehydrated.

My work was slowing down after I ate the snacks. I felt more tired, exhausted, and just worn out. Dammit. I wanted to be good for the doctor but work was fucking with me. I did my best to ignore and endure the pain, tiredness, and fatigue I was feeling and keep working. But it was showing. I couldn't stand at some points and lost my balance more so than earlier. It became more of a rush and panic near the end too. Anxiety and anxiousness kicked in too while I was dreading the blood drawn and hoping I don't freak out. But I was scared. Also getting anxious and stressed about leaving work because it got a little busy up until I had to go. But before I could leave my boss stopped me. Asking if I pulled firstview the day before. I explained to him I did and that I found the quantities missing that day, wrote it down on the pick list I pulled, and showed it to the assistant manager informing their was a problem. He took a deep sigh and told me, "okay". I'll probably get yelled at or questioning the assistant manager the next day asking why i threw him under the boss or told the boss. When his ass blamed me for the whole macy's project or anything else he feels. I was honest. I would have told him that we were all busy that day but I diddn't because I was tired and needed to go to the doctor.

And I saw Sir's texts. Ha funny Sir we think alike. I was rushing liking hell to get to the doctors. I was scared my phone would die but I had faith and I tried to memorize the directions from GPS and kept going back to the list directions in case it died so I could make it there without getting lost. I was also so rushed that I wouldn't make it there early so I could eat. I got a little bit of traffic on the way. But somehow I made it there and got KFC in advance so I wouldn't fucking freak out if I got blood drawn. But I was still very scared of that.

I ate in the car and finally went in. It was locked since they open again at lunch time err at 3 pm. Which was the appointment.

I went inside and told the lady my name scared as hell of the blood drawn and just everything in general. I'm not good with doctors. She told me, "Oh you're appointment is next week not this week. I asked if there was any way I could do it today she told me their isn't." I explained to her that I can't come back because of my work schedule but she told me that I can at least fill out the paper work and come back when I can.

I felt destroyed. I felt defeated. I felt like I completely failed. After all this time and the promise I made to Sir of getting my levels known and getting taken care of. I fucked up. I was rushed that day when I called because I was in work mode and don't get long breaks. I think she did say the 26th. So why did I assume it was this week. I just completely fucked up and now I won't be able to go back. Damn that was stupid. And I was already starting to panic that of all the times I've been stressed since october. Even if it takes years for counts to lower and to be in more danger of being full blown AIDS my stress has a huge impact on me and my health and could possibly accelerate that time. Was in danger? Probably not but then again stress does fuck up a lot of things and I wanted to know for my own health and peace of mind as well. But i fucked up.

So I let Sir know..but then I lost it and started texting Sir more then I wanted to. I couldn't properly process how I felt at the doctor's office since their were people around but inside I felt broken, dead, hurt, and I just wanted to dissapear altogether but I was starting to show that as I texted Sir. I wanted to cry I wanted to just break down because I needed this for my own health and Sir wanted to know as well. And I was genuinely concerned about my health. But like everything else I fucked up and failed. Of all it took to come to the doctor I wasted the once chance and window of oppertunity I got. Sir called but I couldn't really talk becuase I don't like talking in the doctor's office and I diddn't want to show what I was feeling. Especially not there. I hung up on Sir which I shouldn't have done but I was scared and hurt.

I gave them the paper work and waited. Just waited because they told me to. I figured fuck this I'm leaving since I already wasted my time off and might as well go home and do something productive. But I knew I couldn't. So I tried to think of ANYTHING i could do productive right then. But I realized I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but wait. And I wasn't enduring..I was suffering. I was so happy to talk to Sir earlier in the day. But I was completely gone at that point.

A little light came out of nowhere. Someone who worked there saw I was distressed and asked what was wrong. I told her I came at the wrong date and was waiting on the women because she told me to. She gave me an alternative after disproving my work and job that a doctor's note might suffice. I worried about the title logo and if they look it up my work can discover I'm poz. She told me it's against the law for them to do that because it violates my rights but that she can't stop others from doing what they will do. All she can do is help me.

She was right. I called Sir back asking what I should do but knew I had to keep it brief. Thank god Sir gave me the confidence to go through with it. So I kept next week's appointment and took the note.

I thanked her kindly. Realizing that Sir was busy I still needed to talk to someone. Thank god I still have support. I still have friends and people I can talk to who care about me and understand. That's the most important thing before you have a relationship, during, and after or if it ends as well. And I have that.

Casey could tell how distressed I was but I re-assured him that the doctor's note can work and they can't look into the company name because it's against the law. He told me that doesn't mean they'll do it. Companies do that and knowing the company I work at. He's absolutely right. Fuck the panic came back. He told me he'll think of something. But he's having fun in Flordia and he was genuinely concerned. Despite everything that's happened with us he's still there for me. I need to remember that and be there for him to. As a friend. I called Michael and told him too that I went but fucked up on the date and he agrees that I shouldn't let work stop me from getting things taken care of. But he trusts me and knows I'll figure something out.

I called back Keith and Joey too because I read on facebook that Joey fell out of a tree and for weeks was in serious pain and in critical care in the hospital and keith was scared to death. I called Joey weeks ago and realized how bad it was and called them a few days ago especially after father's day when Keith was sad because his father is gone. They called me the day before back but I was busy. I left another message.

Keith and Joey have done a lot for me. They originally agreed to go with me to AID Atlanta in person since I was nervous, keith invited me to his birthday, I got to remember what like walking with a couple was like again and spending time with them. And the sex and the leather instinct that keith re-awakened and making me face what I really desire and want.

I want to have good and strong friends and support in my life. Keith, Joey, Michael, Casey. I want those 4 to be the people I can turn to no matter what happens. Even when I'm with Sir. I have to go have support and friends and I also want others to know I'm happy or how I'm doing.

But I was in such shock and so numb driving home. I really overworked myself and scared myself to death. My original fear was blood being taken but the reality of not being able to get that done was so much worse than the initial fear.

But still I was worn out when I got home. I was still hurt and lonely. I even missed Casey being in the apartment because the part of me that "Likes" being alone and doing things by myself is starting to die down thanks to meeting Sir and Don. I made spaghetti that casey left. He won't be back for weeks and it would go bad if not eaten. Plus I need to be careful not to go out too much or use too much gas.

I hit the bed..hard. I still hurt, I still wanted to cry, I still felt scared, still unsure. But I told myself I can't afford to feel like that right now. I can't afford to feel weak and cry or hurt. I still have things I have to do. But it was too much and I passed out. Just way too much stress and god knows what that did to my health. But it was just too much. I felt bad about not letting Sir know I was not going to be able to talk for the night but Sir probably already guessed I was distressed and went through something and would probably be KOed for the evening.

Which I was. Sir says sometimes when I'm in distress that he wants to hold me, hug me, kiss me, and love me. But in reality that doesn't help if I'm in distress. When I'm scared, or panicked (panic doesn't happen much..very rare) I need truth, I need reality, and I need something that I can grasp onto as confidence that can give me the strength to overcome it or the knowledge. Me and Sir haven't met yet. I understand that he can't physically be here to help me. I mentioned before that I am in hell right now. I am. I can't even  properly get HIV medications or care taken care of because if my work finds out they'll block me. Part of me wanted to ask Sir if I can get tests done when I'm in new york, if I fly back again, or in florida. But that's not fair for me to ask of Sir. For him to rescue me. I still have a life here that while it's falling apart and while I'm falling I have to get back up and re-strengthen it. Work will always be work. I'll be tired, I'll be exhausted, I'll be anxious, or hurt but I have to remain strong and now show that Sir. It looks bad.

And about Sir flying me I'm grateful that he is. But I know that he already got me p house, flying me, I know Sir doesn't have unlimited income and even if he did it's not fair of me to ask. That's when he mentioned he'd pay for a few other stuff I told him he doesn't have to and did so on my own. Even if I couldn't pay rent for some reason I wouldn't ask Sir. I was really close to not being able to this month because of shit that came up but fortunately I will be able to now. It will be close to the end but I'll be okay. But I know Sir also wants to buy that new RV and part of consideration for me is in that as well because he wants us to have a nice home. And I'm apppreciated and honored by that. But I know we all need to save our money.

So what Sir needs to understand is he can't save me right now. We haven't physically met. I am in hell right now and even after I meet Sir I'll still be back in it. But I have to get a hold on it myself. I can continue to learn more about Sir and Don and get excited to meet them and use that desire, love, and happiness as a backbone or base to make things easier for me in this hell. But that's all I can do right now. I cannot afford to get out of reality right now. If I do then everything will fall apart.

I don't know what I'm going to do with medications and getting tests done. I won't ask Sir but I might have to wait. I can't risk work. But inside that hurts me even more knowing that work is stopping me from doing something that is important and essential to my health and that might cause more stress and more of a burden. But I fucking need this job. Only reason why I'm here. I'll grow more resentful. But I have to try and remember what Kelly a co-worker told me once, "It's okay that you're tired Max. I know you're a hard worker and that you like working hard."

...I have to remember that. I have to remember who I am and not forget it. Honest, hard worker, kind, nice..but this company is chipping away at that. But I have to remain strong..just a little bit longer.

I love Sir and I can't wait to meet him. And I can't wait to tell him some things..and it's been a bad week but hopefully it will get better.

Endure...

What a day it's been. Woke up late for work because of bastard alarm not going off and my phone was still broken from the other day. I don't know what the hell I did. But it's gone..and sometimes alive. If this was in the past I might not care so much because I could just use my tablet or something for apps and not like I talked to people that much anyways. But Sir. I have to make sure I have a way to talk to him. That's very frustrating..it was frustrating on sunday and sunday night trying to think of how to fix my phone and then trying to plan further of what my options are if my phone flatout dies. 

And I was tired last night but determined to fix it..I thought it worked but I failed. So this morning I immediately called work and let them know I was running late. I paid my liberty mutual bill and georgia power bill. That hurt. But I couldn't think of that, couldn't think of showering or anything. I sent Sir a message through google voice. I might have known I was having a long day ahead but I had to make sure I let Sir know I was okay and that I might not be in contact for a while. I don't want Sir to worry anymore. It hurts when I know that I've worried Sir. 

So I rushed to work with no coffee or breakfast. I figured I'd get harassed by my boss and everyone but since I told HR they already knew and did not care. I was able to avoid my boss easily but even when I saw him earlier he just asked how I was without any bullshit. I was really surprised and somewhat scared. I know that they don't need a reason to fire me..but I sure as hell don't want to give them a reason. 

I knew I couldn't be tired, I couldn't have mixed feelings, and I couldn't be weak. I might not like my job and they treat me like shit but I wasn't intentionally trying to be late and I felt bad about it. I worked hard and hit the ground running as soon as I got there. Lifting heavy boxes, lots of pick lists, and lots of rush. I told myself that I just have to endure..just keep enduring like I always do. I might not be the strongest, might not be the smartest, I might be clumsy, stupid, and foolish. But there's one thing I can do it's fucking endure. I can endure so much and take so much. Much more than others can. Those bastards don't know me anyways.

I was working so hard and so fast that before I knew it lunch time was already here. I intentionally skipped my first break because I felt bad about being late. I immediately went home and heated up my teriyaki chicken from panda express. Was fucking good. But my phone was still shitting on me and I couldn't contact Sir. Dammit. I tried to eat some until it finally worked. I did not have long but I at least let him know I was okay. I got my roomate to go to the bank to so no overdrafts. That was very nice of him.

So I left and went back to work. When I got back I was saved from doing skylight and had lots of amex to put on the floor. Thank god. I had someone help me too. I quickly noticed work was slowing down and it was slow. Shit I hate to endure more. I was hoping it would be busy the whole day so all i had to endure was bullshit, stress, and rush which I could do because I'd just act and not think and just move without reason until it's time to go. I got practice doing that a long time ago. But one of the most difficult things to endure is boring times or slow times. Nothing you can really do to accerlate time with that. I did my best, did as much work came until i could finally talk to Sir. I was happy to talk to him but a little tired but happy that he was doing something fun.

I might be in hell right now. I might have to endure and I might be falling. But at the very least Sir is doing well and is having fun and happy. Even if I'm miserable or in my own hell. Just knowing that others are happy or doing well makes me smile regardless of the situation. And Sir makes me smile a lot too. I slowed down near the end and got so fucking tired I couldn't do much more. A co-worker was suppoesd to meet me in break room to give me water but she was praying or something. Forgot about ramaden coming up. LOL sounds like ramen. Near the end of the shift I was told that I fullfilled a box downstairs instead of upstairs and that I need to be more careful and that he was blamed for my mistake. 

Motherfucker..I was so rushed on friday because the guy was at the doctors. I told him, "I apologize, when I rush I don't always check lot id's and quanities. I'll be more careful." I knew it diddn't matter though because as soon as the assistant manager knows he'll blame the shit out of me and tell the boss and I won't get in trouble but it will be once again everyone fucking looking down on me or thinking I can't do anything and don't care about the job. And even though they treat me like shit..I still fucking care. Even though I shouldn't. Kelly is right. I like to work hard. I just figured "Fuck them" after that and I just did stuff on the floor to pass time until it was time to go. Enduring the bullshit and the stress finally payed off..but I was tired as hell.

And I couldn't call Sir because my phone battery was dead..at least battery over phone. I got home and got in the shower but realized me and my roomate weren't going to the store so I got my phone working and called Sir. But while I was calling him phone died again..but I was really happy he showed me the rv they are looking at. That made me really happy. So I made dinner but it took forever to eat and I was hungry snacking on the chicken bites..but taking away from my protein.

I was finally ready to eat and the computer finished the bluetooth updates..but fucking bluetooth still diddn't work. Motherfucking windows 8. You're UI is so beautiful but taking away bluetooth is an asshole move. At this point I might need to get a bluetooth adapter. But I have to find a way to get it working so i can contact Sir if my phone goes out completely. I don't want to lose that connection. 

I felt bad because Sir was telling me on the phone how much he really loves me, cares about me, and needs me. It made me really happy but also sad. Because I'm in such a state that I'm blocking out certain emotions and not allowing myself to really feel happiness or peace..because if I do I'll fall out right then and there. And I have too much I need to get done right now. I need to get some food, get some TP, and maybe some snacks. And a skype card to see if that works. 

But I felt like an ass and like some ways I rejected Sir. I told him the times I felt and wanted and needed him so bad when I was with other guys. But I ignored what he was trying to tell me and feel for me because I'm so stressed and hurt right now by all the stupid bullshit. Unfortunately I'm at my limit right now. And i think he knows it. But still. Once again I made Sir sad and hurt. And not only that..but I'm regressing a bit right now. That's even worse.

But even if I hurt Sir even if I'm an asshole I can't falter. I have to get done what I need to get done so I'm prepared. I wish I could tell Sir how I feel. But I can't afford to go to that place right now because it will distract me from everything. I wish I could explain that to him.

..And worse. Things are about to get so much tighter these next two weeks. I just have to be really careful and I have to fucking endure more. Of course before something good happens and change comes the hardest part and the toughest endurance is right around the corner. The only conselation I can say is going through this hell and going through this pain and hurt is that at the very end even If I'm weak, hurt, scared, and lost that I can fall into Sir's arms and cry and tell him how much I love him and kiss him and hold him and let him know how much I care about him.

But until then. I can't afford to feel week or lose control of my emotions. Lacking on sleep and stress. It's hard to control them as it is. I just have to endure a little bit more. Just a little bit more and everything will be okay..

At A Different Place in Time

This spaghetti is fucking awesome..what a totally stupid thing to say and kill the meaning of this post. But eating lunch right now so extremely happy. I've been eating fast food way too fucking much. At least I've been careful with money..except for fast food..well I'll go to grocery store eventually.

Back on topic.

This has been going through my mind lately. I had a feeling that I would have a connection with the client I was going to meet. On the phone his voice sounded very sweet and he sounded nice and sincere. He was with his emails and texts as well. I had a good feeling which is why I made sure I was well rested and ready since I had a feeling this wasn't going to be a quick fuck. And in truth maybe I'm tired of that altogether.

But I think last night also confirmed what I thought of with Doug earlier this week when he came over.

I pulled into the driveway and saw this very handsome sexy older daddy. I thought, "Fuck is this who I'm seeing..?" He was dressed in a hawaiin shirt with short brown shorts and sandals. This complimented what I was wearing which was a small tight shirt, my short shorts I got from ft. lauderdale and a pair of flip flops. One of the first things we did was introduce each other and he leaned in close and gave me a kiss and I kissed him back. I could already tell there was passion when we kissed. He led me into the house and asked if I wanted a drink. I replied, "I'll have water." He laughed asking, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have something else?". Cheeky bastard. Why the hell am I even using that terminology. That's english? Not like I really watch english porn or movies. But english accents are hella cool. I replied, "Well what do you have?". He named off the alcohols and I melted. Then I thought.."Mixers?". He asked if I want it just plain and opened the fridge.

As if my eye was some kind of recording or scanning device I scanned the fridge in an instant and saw all the mixers he had. Coke, orange juice, apple juice (DON'T JUDGE ME!), and what I thought was cranberry juice. LOCK ON!

I was about to ask for a cape cod when I saw it was cranberry jam. DAMN. I decided on a screwdriver. After all..I just had that a few nights ago did I not..where did I last have that? Shit why did I forget where I had it. I remembered at that moment I just had that a few nights ago but where? Oh well.

He made me a screwdriver and it was perfect. Not too strong. We went on the couch and talked a bit and we sipped our drinks. We started making out and he was a damn good kisser. He was very sexy and we were both really into each other. He smoked a bit which I don't do but let him do. He did something surprising though and took a puff and made out with and while our tongues swirled around the smoke and we both took it. I can't remember how long it's been since I did that..Michael was that last and only guy I ever did that with. Then again..he did piss fuck me before anyone ever did. He did do ALOT with me and brought out ALOT in me so it probably was him.

But I was extremely horny and he took off my shirt and shorts until I was on his couch in nothing but my bikini briefs making out with him. We took a quick break to have a drink since we were making out so much and then we resumed. He pulled out my cock and he took it in his mouth. I was a bit nervous at first so it wasn't fully hard but we made out some more and he played with my ass and rubbed my crack and hole and I instantly got hard. I watched as he bobbed up and down on my cock and saw that sexy mustache go up and down. Fuck he was good. He sucked me nice and gentle and I could feel his wet warm mouth and the friction. I felt the feeling I get when I am fucking someone. I started fucking his face really getting into it but saw he was having a little trouble and slowed down. I almost creamed his throat several times. Eventually he pulled off my bikini briefs and I took of his shirt and undid his zipper. I was sucking on his cock and it was a nice cock. Tasted and felt really good in my mouth. He suggested to me we go to the bedroom. I agreed.

I had a little more of my drink since I was damn thirsty from all the kissing. It was good. We got in bed and we were both naked and we romped around in bed making out, feeling each other, and just feeling good. He went back to sucking me and this time I got really close to coming. I felt his ass too and felt how nice and tight his hole felt and that got me harder and hornier. I was starting to lose control and I really started fucking his face and it wasn't me just wanting to cum it was me wanting to cum in his mouth. He pulled off again though so I slowed down and pulled out so he could breath. We 69'ed and I sucked his cock while he sucked mine and I loved the feeling of my cock being sucked and sucking on his. The more I sucked on his the harder mine got and he started fucking my face. It felt so hot feeling his cock thrust in and out of my mouth and me applying the pressure and wetness with my mouth and he shouted he was going to cum. He came and I swallowed all of it. It was damn good and I jacked off my own dick while sucking him and I came.

We took a break and talked a bit and learned more about each other. We then went back to making out and rolling around in the bed. I came a few more times and I got him to come again too. After we were done rolling around and making out we rested in bed. He embraced me as we spooned and I felt something.

I felt sad. I liked making out with him, sucking, and rolling around but when he was embracing me like that and feeling a little drunk too. I wanted it to be my Sir that was holding me. I wanted it to be my Sir that I was in bed with. I did not think of this while playing with him earlier because I recognized his identity as who he is. A very sexy man whose probably done a lot in life and has a lot of passion, and is a lot of fun with in bed.

I thought back to when me and Doug were playing too and when we were holding each other tenderly. Or when I was with another client and I was servicing him while he looked down on me. I think that one had heavier impact on me because the WAY i was servicing him and pleasing him..that's something I wanted to do with Sir. But I don't know. Maybe just lots of emotions. But I do know one thing.

At a Different Place in Time me and Doug could have gotten together after we had drunken sex that night. We could have seen each other more and maybe even dated. Same as the client before and even the client tonight. We had a lot in common, or lots of passion and lust and desire for each other. In another time we probably would have done okay.

And maybe that was the most painful realization. I've always gone by the theory that "There's other fish in the sea" or I don't subscribe to the theory of soul mates. If your soul mate gets hit by a car or something than you get cheated out of your soul mate because you'll never meet. But there are easily lots of guys I could be with. Maybe that's more of the powerful realization. All these times I went out to the bars or other places. Could I have really easily found someone if I really wanted to. The compliments I was given last time by different guys at different places like, "You're very sweet.", "Why are you so kind", "Why are you a breathe of fresh air here", "It's that smile that I like", "You could have any guy here if you wanted to".

But maybe because I did not have enough confidence in myself and that that other boys my age are more attractive than me and just I don't have the right attitude. But maybe it's not having the attitude that makes me attractive. And I have been told countless times and heard many guys say, "If a hot guy has a horrible attitude or is a jerk he's attractive." So does that mean that, "If an average guy has a really nice attitude he shines?". Is that the case with me? Maybe I'm still learning these things.

But back to last night. A huge part of me wanted to stay with him longer. He already told me how much he had and we went well past an hour already. But it felt so nice being cuddled up with him and having him embrace me. We could have easily fallen asleep in each others arms. He already told me to stay as long as I wanted earlier on. So the ball was in my court huh. How nice it would have been to fall asleep with him. To have someone hold me, touch me, and just be with him.

But I have someone. I have a Sir who loves me and cares about me. Not only would it not be fair to to do that but I don't want to have feelings that towards other guys. I think because Doug proved that, "I can't have sex without some emotion involved." Meaning it won't always be "No strings attached" for me doesn't mean I'll go off with another guy. But maybe depending on the guy whether I feel devoted to him, wanting to stay with him longer, or whatever the feelings are. Now I understand why Sir and Don have their rule about no sleepovers. I understand the impact it can make. It's one thing to play with someone and even have feelings about them in some shape or form. Doesn't mean it's love but if there is some kind of emotional attachment you have with a person. When you leave them and go on you're way you are sort of severing that or at least setting the boundaries for that. By staying with that person such as overnight you are almost forming that bond or connection with them despite bonds or connections you have elsewhere. Even if it's love with another.

..Now I understand. It takes an adult..a man be with someone and even if they do play with someone to not only feel in their heart that they love their partner but to not let their love get mixed with another. You can't fault someone for feeling something. But you can damn well fault if they act on it and take it farther and cross boundaries. I wonder how other escorts feel. If they ever fall for clients if they sometimes give the clients a freebie, stay overnight with them for an hour's price or if they keep it professional and thank the client and leave.

That's why I did not stay last night. As much as I wanted to feel the touch of another man. To be wanted..to be needed, to be loved. I ALREADY AM LOVED. My Sir loves me and Don cares about me. Doug, this client, and the other they know nothing about me. Sir is the one who loves me and understands me. That doesn't mean in another place in time I couldn't have been with one of them or it wouldn't of worked out.

It's that in my heart I've chosen SIR. I might be a whore and a slut and I might like lots of cock or now even ass or getting head. But I know who I belong to. I know who I dedicate myself to. I chose them and they chose me.

And this doesn't mean I can't see clients more than once like this or have other clients. It's that I do need to remember to be professional. Because currently I'm choosing not to hook up with others and just see clients because of dedication to Sir. Not sure if it's something I'm trying to prove to him or myself. But maybe..I don't need to prove anything to Sir.

This probably means that maybe now I can have sex with others. Now that I know I might always feel some kind of emotional attachment to someone..because that's just who I am with sex. That's a way I feel and the connection I feel with another even if it's just a hook up. I won't lie and say I did not have feelings for that bear bud I used to see or my fuck bud from TN. Whether they had feelings for me or not is another story. But that just means I'll be a damn good boyfriend, lover, boy, slave, partner for a man or two and that if I do have sex outside the relationship or now whether it's escorting or not. It means I'm making someone else happy. I'm making them feel really good about themselves and maybe making them feel something they haven't felt in ages or re-igniting a spark. That is one of the reasons I became an escort. Because I recognized when I hooked up with men in the past for some it did some I re-ignited a spark or made them happier. And that made me happy because I like to make people happy. But I know who my Sir is and the couple that I belong to and have chosen to be with.

Maybe I really am growing up. Not only learning to control emotions. But learning what causes these emotions how the affect me and evaluating them and learning more about myself. Because apparently my emotions tell ALOT about who I am.

...That's probably why Keith told me that one time, "I know what you want boy. I can read you like a book. You know what you want to don't you boy. You know what you need and what you crave boy. It's to be owned boy."

...That bastard..if it wasn't for him. But if it wasn't for him I would have never met Sir and Don. But still those words still haunt me..they haunt me because I wasn't able to recognize my own emotions and feelings for myself and admit it to myself. And it also haunts me because I really almost did give up leather, almost did give up going out and meeting people and even considering dating.

But more than likely with Keith and even other's i've met at one point in time. I've learned that sometimes people come into your life at a certain time and it might even be brief or to pass along a message. But maybe the reason they do so is to help you further yourself and help you grow.

..I guess the one thing I should never forgot. Is Casey, Michael, everyone up til now. I can't ever forget them. Because without them and various people I've met. There's no way I would have gotten to where I am and met Sir and Don. Because I've chosen to be with them.

Week Two...

WAHHHH what a week it's been. That extra bit of enthusiasm has been brought to you by iced coffee and 12+ hours of sleep with a dash of happiness and love :)

This has been a crazy week on all fronts. Work is getting to be more bullshit where things are going to get a hell of a lot worse and I'm dreading the fuck out of Macy's. E3 was this week so Xbox One (Xbone..lol) PS4, Wii-U and tons of games coming for all three and so many damned exclusives. Also WWDC was this week as well and I think this is the first time where I haven't watched a WWDC conference or even read about iOS7. Not an apple fan anymore..but even so I'd still at least keep tabs on it. I think what others have said is right. Just not the same without jobs.

And talking to Sir and Don much more this week. Got vacation time confirmed and have learned so much more about Sir and Don. Everyone's enthusiasm seems equal and I know we all can't wait to meet. And that time is approaching very soon. I did as Sir and others have wanted as well and got my appointment made to find out my blood levels and hopefully get in prep a plan. I'm moving forward in that direction. Work has also gone better since I've met and talked with Sir and Don. And seeing them on Skype this week was lots of fun too and I just can't wait to see them.

Fuck I have way too much energy right now I might not be able to write as much as I wanted lololololo.

One thing I can say is Sir is absolutely right. The energy, attitude, mood, and what I've shown and how I've felt. I've changed meeting Sir and Don. I get through work much easier, am able to block most of the bullshit, but it's getting pretty strong, and just happier in general. Happier to go on break and talk to Sir and get off work and talk to him some more. And when I used to want to go out and go to a bar drink, find a guy to go home with, fuck, or just go out and fuck. That's changed too. I have a few guys contacting me wanting to play and I don't really want to. I want to write more, I want to talk to Sir and Don more, and I want to do more things for myself or learn more about me when I'm not talking with them instead of doing the things I used to want to do. Because I want to do those things I used to do with them. I want to be part of their life and share who I am and my life with them.

I want to be with them so much. But it will happen soon enough. It's been a really good week. Just 4 more to go :)

Horny

..Okay I'll admit it. I've been really freaking horny lately. I haven't had much sex lately (except last night :D) and I haven't really jacked off too often.

But damn it feels good when I do. Just like on weekends in the past I spent the majority of the night jacking off. And now sleep time.

One Night

I have to say I must have the most amazing Sir ever. Helping me get through things with my roomate and strengthening our bond, being able to wait, and even letting me play with others.

Well I've been horny lately and wanting to get fucked. Sir understands this and doesn't mind as long as I tell him. Yet who I chose. The man who I played with on new years and did not see until march because he told me he tested poz in march. Whether it's wrong or not we have a sort of bond and he is someone I'll never forget and I'll never forget him regardless of what happens.

But for some reason we'd always try to get together in the past and it would never work out. Where we too scared, or what was the reason. Even last night because of things I was dealing with my going to his hotel diddn't work. Maybe it was me or both of us but I was needing to see things through and see what would happen. If we just had one night. And we did.

I cleaned myself out although I was incredibly tight since I haven't been fucked or used toys or showershot in ages.

I finished putting my butt plug in and made sure my room was nice and everything and I heard a knock on the door. Without, really thinking I opened the door and greeted him naked.

He still looks cute and as sexy as he did that night. He comes in my room and he takes off his clothes. I see his tattooed body, his pierced nipples, and his PA on his cock. Just like it was that night. We start making out and he embracing each other and giving each other a big hug. I play with his nipples, he rubs my ass, and we feel each other and we are both very horny. He gently guides my head towards his cock and I slowly take his huge PA cock in my mouth and I suck him. He starts to fuck my face until I feel his cock go down all the way and the PA and I gag for a minute. He pulls me off and says, "Good boy" and kisses me again. He tells me that he wants my ass and to take the butt plug out. I slowly remove the butt plug and we stand up and make out some more and he rubs my ass and I lube up my ass and his PA cock.

I feel his PA cock push in and it's big. It's big and it hurts a little so I tell him to go very slow. I take some of it and I can feel his urgency and how much he wants to fuck me. But I'm also extremely tight but I don't let that deter me. He fucks me a little but when he starts to pull out partially I tell him to go a little bit slower again. I decide to lay on my stomach since I can relax the most that way and take a big hit of poppers. It works. I can feel his cock sliding in and out of my ass but still feel the tightness my ass is giving his cock. He starts pulling out and fucking me and saying how great it is. He goes soft for a minute being nervous with the roomate being home and everything.

I suck him and get him hard again and he puts me on my back. He takes the PA out and pushes inside and I feel him much bigger than before and I feel more full than I felt last time. I take a minute to relax and take it all in, still with some slight pain and hesitation, he pushes in. I start begging him to fuck me and really take my ass but he says he's too nervous with roomate home. I can understand that.

I sit on his cock this time and ride him but I realize he's too nervous and I stop and we lay next to each other and talk.

I tell him about my Sir and his partner and what changes are coming for me. He tells me that my Sir is lucky but than asks the important question. Will we get together again. I tell him I'm not sure because I used to really like him and that was the whole nervousness about getting together with him in the first place. He tells me he understands and it's my choice and he respects whatever choice I make.

Thinking on it more the first meeting was just drunken sex in a hotel. Not that it wasn't good sex or anything meaningful. But it was just sex. We know nothing about each other or anything really.

I've decided that I won't have sex with him again. That's not fair to him since I think he likes me too. And while the sex is amazing..I just want to be with my Sir. I know that we could have lots of hot sex but I also realize that just because I love my Sir and want to be with him. That doesn't mean that there aren't different scenarios out there for what could have been. But regardless of what those are. I choose to be with SIR. Phouse will probably be the last of sex until I see Sir.

But the question is should we stay friends or not. I am trying to really make some good friends. And maybe he could be. Or would it be too awkward knowing we've had sex and we liked each other at that one point. I guess that's something I'll have to decide.

Waiting and Filler

It seems that it's always the same like this. I'm always in some crappy situation where I can't do a damned thing but wait. But it could be worse. I remember when my sister had really bad trouble with a guy in the past and got our entire family involved. I think that was one of the most painful waiting I've ever gone through. But still. All this fucking waiting better make me a damn fucking good top sometime in the future.

It looks like I really can't do anything until tomorrow. Stupid lenox hills won't show me the lease agreement online. Damn them. And I'm also waiting on trying to upload videos to send to Don. What a pain. Nothing but waiting lately. And this situation right now I'm in.

I just don't what's going to happen and I'm honestly scared. I remembered the situation with where I live earlier but I think somewhere between being broke, being almost short for rent and having to sell things I just sort of forgot. The situation I'm in since everything changed hasn't changed in the last few months. The threat is still very real. But now I guess I've involved others in it. That's what hurts the most and that's what upsets me the most. To a certain extent I've never really cared what happens to me at times. But when others get involved or when I fuck up and if my actions effect them. That's when I get pissed off and feel guilty.

But I guess all I can do is try to be patient right now and wait right?

...Somehow I guess it will all work out. Oh well. This sort of feels like a filler post anyways. I was probably going to reflect something else but screw it.

*changes post title*

Actually makes complete sense and is accurate. All this waiting is really nothing but a filler anyways....

Trust

So it seems me and Sir have gotten a lot closer now. There is more understanding, there is more trust, and we are moving much further to see each other real soon. He even told me, "I'm now his boy.". That made me so happy when he told me that. And phouse is his gift to me which is extremely kind. Even though he says I can still have sex with people right now I don't really feel like it. I got a few messages from some websites with people wanting to hook up with me and I just don't want to. However, I am a little tight and a client contacted me who is a really nice guy and who I enjoyed spending time with last time a lot.

But Sir was okay with this. But he also didn't know I was positive so this is something else I'd have to tell him. And I was nervous.

After I told Sir goodbye I left to go see the client. I arrived at his house exactly on time. I go to the door and see him. He got a haircut and he was wearing glasses. Looking cute as ever. I go inside and we catch up and he tells me how he's been busy and just got back from LA and a little jet lagged. He pours me some bourbon and pours himself a gin and vodka. He told me he hasn't eaten and asks if I mind. I tell him I don't and even though he offers me food I decline because I had a buford burger a few hours ago.

While he starts to eat and turn on the tv I decide it's now I never. I tell him that I have to tell him something. He tells me he is listening and I flat out say, "I'm hiv positive." He just responds, "Okay", and I tell him that I wanted to tell him last time but I got really bad advice from my roommate not to tell anyone because as long as we were a condom it's not a concern but that I talked to someone and realized I was wrong to think that way. I tell him that I understand if he doesn't want to see me and wants me to leave. He tells me I can stay. He tells me that he has known people over the years who are HIV and uses protection all the time and doesn't judge. I tell him when I became positive and a little bit about when I started barebacking and up until today.

I give him a big hug that he accepts me for being positive and even though I've been a cumslut in the past he doesn't care. It means so much to me when people accept me. I then I tell him something else.

Well first I tell him about the former leather relationship with my leather Sir and submissive/verse brother. I tell him about that because I tell him that some changes are coming soon. I tell him that I have recently talked to a very nice couple who lives in NY. It was originally just an offer to be their boy and help them with their work and travels and have lots of sex with them. And it was originally me wanting to travel and have more time to focus on things, and be free. But it quickly turned into me falling in love and them falling in love with me. I told him a little bit about my..

Heh. My Sir and his partner. He seemed very interested in everything I've done and asked more about pig play and certain things about barebacking. He seemed really happy for me as well but he also confessed that he actually did start to have feelings for me. He said I'm really not like a lot of guys in Atlanta. Or escorts for that matter. He told me my personality, the way I view people and treat people, and just the way I am is very kind and sweet and it's genuine not fake or forced. He says that's the biggest attraction to me. I did tell him that it is true that there are many escorts out there who will look and examine a client and as if to find their weakness to make the client fall for them and need them and then manipulate them. But I told him I'm not that type of escort. In fact, probably the reason why I'm such a bad escort is because I'm very honest with clients and I make really good friends with clients but I'm not a fantasy escort or some model boy or adonis like some escorts are. And most WANT that. But I'm not that. But he assured me I have much more than they have so I appreciated that.

He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have sex since I'll be leaving soon. I told him I will be coming back in october but than moving onto florida. But I told him I thought he was really sweet too and I really did enjoy it last time and I like his personality a lot and I like him. I wasn't falling for him though but I did not tell him that. I considered him a really good friend since we had a lot in common and had good chemistry.

So we stopped talking about that after a while and he turned on something on tv. I saw him rubbing his crotch and started feeling it myself. I felt him getting hard and I pulled his dick through his underwear and slowly took it in my mouth. It felt so good and it felt so good to be servicing a cock and really working it. But I felt something else..

Guilt? My Sir. He's not here right now. But I was really getting into servicing him, working his cock, rubbing him, his balls, his nipples, and just making love to his cock. I felt a little sad inside because part of me wanted to be doing this with my Sir..but I do have an attraction to the client and I do like him and he is sweet so I had to swallow my emotions so he wouldn't suspect anything. That wouldn't be fair to him anyways. We eventually stripped and we made out some, rubbed our bodies together, and again I went back to working his cock and just made love to his cock..he started jacking my cock as well which really turned me on. Normally when guys jack my cock in the past I wasn't fond of it but now I was. But than again, bear bud never really cared about my cock and most of the tops I'm with don't. But he was stroking it so perfectly and I do top now so that would explain it.

He told me he was getting close and asked where I wanted the load and I said I wanted to swallow it. I worked his cock some more, applying pressure, making sure it was nice and wet, and doing different things and than moving at a faster rhythm. Somehow, I've improved at sucking cock. I felt his load go deep inside my throat and I swallowed every last bit and even when more of his cum was seeping from his cock I licked up that part. I felt really guilty inside though because I really wanted to do this with my Sir. He's my Sir..I love him and I'm with someone else. But since I'm extremely good at controlling my emotions I again swallowed that feeling and we made out some. I jacked my cock while we made out until I came.

We watched some more tv some guy in Peru. My home country I was actually very interested. It was interesting seeing how the upper class had delicious meals with the refined presentation and the lower class had more bountiful meals but the presentation wasn't there. But they were basically the same. I had no idea that there were wealthy parts of peru especially in lima. It was actually very refreshing seeing the different parts of peru. I saw him stroking his cock again so I went back to servicing him.

..This time for some reason though...I felt extremely guilty. I almost felt like crying. But once agian, I swallowed those feelings and worked his cock. He started jacking my cock as well and after sucking him for a while he told me he wasn't going to cum but that I could. I jacked my cock and shortly I came. I kept my mouth on his cock as my I was breathing and my dick was getting hard again. He asked if I could come again and I told him I could. I jacked my cock some more..took a little more jacking this time and shot my load again.

After that we mostly cuddled and watched tv. We were both getting tired that was obvious. He would sometimes randomly ask questions about pig play, bbing, or how I even decided to get into Master/slave relationships and it just popped up randomly. But I answered. I even told him more about my job at work. I did notice that for some reason I was able to process everything almost perfectly and explain it perfectly even about my job despite the fact that i was tired. He said that he is getting tired and that we'll go to the atm.

I did notice while we were playing or just sitting there earlier that I heard my phone go off a few times. I knew who it was. And that probably added to the guilt. But my rule for me personally escorting has always been that I never look at the time while I'm with a client and I never look at or answer my phone. Even if it rings I'll either ignore it or just turn the silence on. That's because I want to give the person my full attention and no distractions. But this is just me personally.

When we finished and we said our goodbyes I kissed him and thanked him. I also hugged him for accepting me. That meant a lot to me. I can tell he still wants to be friends, hang out, and he even talked about taking me to dinner. I don't care if someone is an escort or a hook up. If they show me respect, acceptance, and understanding and we get along well I will contact them just to chat or hang out with them. But I'll also let him read my blogs so he can see keep in touch and he can see what I'm doing and where I'm going.

..But as soon as I got in the car I immedietely checked my messages. I was scared thinking Sir would be shouting or angry asking, "Where are you boy", "Why haven't you called", "Are you done yet?"

To my surprise which probably shouldn't have been was simply, "I'm going to bed boy, I love you and I miss you. Have a good night.". I almost wanted to cry when I read that. I felt really bad that I assumed that he would be mad or worried. He really trusts me..and he really loves me. I could even sense when talking on the phone to Sir even when he stated rules or certain things none of it seems to be because he wants complete control or limit me in every possible way. Everything he said I sensed was out of love and care..

I can't believe he trusts me so much. But still I felt guilty for having sex with the client and I was thinking of Sir several times while having sex but tried not to make that obvious or hide it. But more than anything I wished I was doing these things with Sir. Making out with Sir..cuddling with Sir, servicing Sir, and just being besides Sir. I hurt that I wasn't doing this with Sir...

But I knew that I'd talk to Sir tomorrow and I'd tell him about it.

But when I got home my internet was so fucked up I couldn't believe it. No webpage would load or if it was it was very slow. Reset my computer and router a few times. What the hell clear. But I did try my PS Vita and got online. I was scared when I could get online with my vita but noticed there were some problems and messages popping up like, "Failed to connect" or "Connection Interrupted" or "Connection Timed Out". So while I was partially connected I wasn't completely connecting and it kept disconnecting. But my tablet was working partially. I guess maybe windows os epsecially 8 has a shit load of stuff running in the background and maybe in the kernel that it requires much heavier usage than my portable devices. Or maybe it's just that the wi-fi adapter attached to it is weaker or going out. But it scared me but what scared me more was that I wouldn't be able to write to Sir.

But I did have my tablet. But I think I was really tired so I just went to bed. I did get taco bell too though because I was hungry.

But I was surprised this morning when I didn't receive a message from Sir. I woke up a bit after 11. So maybe he isn't up yet. But this is probably how Sir feels when he doesn't receive a message from me in the morning. A little worried and scared. But I do sleep in on the weekends..especially since I got done so late. And I don't know his weekend schedule that well yet.

I just want to be with Sir right now..

I love you Sir.

SIR!

I'M THINKING OF YOU SIR BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! There I fucking said it. This is what you really wanted me to say isn't it Sir. I fucking love you Sir. I don't care if it's only been a week. I don't care if we don't really know each other. I decide things for myself and make decisions for myself I'm fucking 21. I don't fall in love and I don't really get crushes I get to know people once. So what if I sound crazy so what if I sound stupid. I'm 23. And like others haven't and some do it every week or every other week or have a boyfriend for every month or every other month?

No not me Sir. I fucking love you. I love you so much Sir it fucking hurts..it really fucking hurts. That's why I was trying not to cry on the phone tonight but I'm crying right now. It really hurt that the bearbud showed his colors but it actually relieved me and in some ways..he seems like he could be a future cop. I don't care whether you're a Rick or whatever to me you are Wayne, Sir, Daddy, Lover, Boyfriend, Husband, I don't care what label you want to use. All I know is that I love you Sir and I wish I wasn't trying to deny these feelings earlier since you were the one who initially hinted it with "XOXOXO". I'm really fucking retarded for not knowing what that meant..stupid me.

But I've thought about you all week Sir. And it's sad that you've expressed yourself so well but I haven't. I went from hating myself and job this week to being able to get through work happy, work harder, feel better even though tired, and actually be happy and do something on breaks but play my god damn vita. I fucking love my vita and I play at work all the time but I'll gladly toss that if I can have just a little time to talk to Sir. Friend's I can't help that one because I do work with these people and I do need to talk to them and keep that socializing at work.

But why Sir. Why do you care so much and why do you love me. Why did you message me on sunday. Hell I remember I was already going to hook up with someone and stopped to look at directions and I saw one or two messages. Your growlr picture looks kinda goofy but you like sexy as hell with the hat and shades on and that goofy grin. I'll totally blow you with that goofy look on your face Sir. I still couldn't believe that your first message to me was something like, "Cute boy..would love for you to travel with us and be our boy." That's a hell of a pick up line. And in the past I would have probably just said, "Ah it wouldn't work Sir I have my own life and stuff but hope you find what you are looking for." So why did I honestly say and humbly say I can't travel because of where I am right now and job and stuff but if you visit I'd love to get together with you. Is that something I'd normally say.

Damn I feel like I'm going to throw up right now for some reason. I blame starbucks..no I don't. Right focus.

..I really love you Sir. When you said, "Maybe I was meant to save you boy." You have no idea how happy that made me. When you said you wanted me to be part of your family and help you and how you want to make me happy that made me happy. And when I kept hearing you say, "Well this is what I'm offering boy", "I'd like you to join us boy", "I'd like if it you were with me." The slight hesitation, and the slight fear and the hoping and wanting was very cute. It showed you sincerely cared and really want this to work.

I've always believed that my whole life I've gone through hell. From childhood to present. That stopped more when I met the leather couple I was in a relationship with because they saved me from sinking into the depths of hell and pulled me out and gave me love, strength, confidence, and warmth so that now I have a strong light and a deep strength in me that will allow me to do anything I want in life and be anything I want. Whether it's with education, sex, or in a relationship with another man. They did it out of love for me because they loved me (and still do and I still do) and they just want me to be happy. And I've done all I can to keep and improve on that strength to not let their time, effort, and gift go to waste and to to live honorably and strong like they would like.

But before all that. I always believed when I was in the depths of my mind and in such deep despair, pain, and lonliness that it's not forever. I'm not always going to be alone, scared, and miserable. That maybe people or someone is watching me. Maybe it's all a test or something and that it's so I can be really strong one day. It's a really fucking sick and twisted test but I told myself if I can live long enough..if I can survive this world long enough that someday I'll have friends, people who care about me, and someone who really loves me and I will be able to love them in return. This is what I used to tell myself..before I met my former leather relationship. After that my goal and dream was just to travel, have some money enough to get me by so I could travel, meet people, and see different places. But there was a reason for that. Part of it was for freedom.

..But the real reason. The truth is. IT WAS ALL SO THAT WAY I COULD FIND THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME. All the experience from meeting people, all the sex, all the travelling I'd be able to find someone who I could spend my life with and love because I'd love and accept them and they'd love and accept me. And yes, one of the scenarios was going home with someone from a bar one night and falling in love with them and becoming their partner. But as you know their's also something else..that Keith bastard made me admit it..

"I know what you are thinking boy. I can tell exactly what's on your mind, what's in your heart, and what you really want. Boy I can read you like an open book. You know what it is don't you boy. What you really want and what you really need isn't it boy. You want to be owned don't you boy. Admit it boy you're not fooling anyone. All along what you've wanted is to be owned isn't it boy."

That bastard made me admit it and ever since he did I've never been the same.

So take the thing about me falling in love with someone in a bar and becoming their partner boyfriend. And take me wanting to be owned and maybe even collared and in service to a man. Those are complete opposites of each other except somewhat similar. But you are both Sir. You are a daddy, a Sir, and a top, and even versatile. My need and desire to learn to top won't go to waste. I can't imagine how amazing it will feel the first time I can be inside you and show you my power, my lust, my youth, my will, and my love. It makes my dick hard just thinking about it. Just how I can't wait to feel your power, your control, your lust, and your love inside of me Sir.

..I just don't know how many times I can say I love you Sir. And I don't know if the meaning will ever change no matter how much I say it. My stomach, my chest, they are burning and they ache. I feel it. Part of it is excitement and  part is nervousness.

..Did you really expect any of this Sir. Did you really expect for me to so willingly to be your boy. You seemed so calm, cool, and collected in the beginning. But even I can tell your are nervous and a little scared. Neither of us were really expecting this to be real. I don't think either of us were expecting to fall in love. We probably both thought, "Well if nothing else in september we can meet each other and play." But it's grown way beyond that Sir..from what you were originally thinking for a boy to have lots of sex with and help out and be part of the family. To a boy you love and want and need to be part of your family. A boy you need to hold, kiss, and own. And a boy that you need and crave now. Because it's the exact same with me Sir.

I'm crazy for you Sir. I can't believe how just texting you on breaks, and talking to you at night..how much of an impact that has made on me. How much it's changed me. And how I completely fell for you.

You say you don't own me..you say I'm not your yet. But you know I will be Sir. We both know that. You even say, "2-3 months". You and I both know it's going to happen soon. But I'm sure the question you're probably asking yourself is "am I moving to fast..am I crazy". You aren't moving too fast Sir. You've been honest about your feelings from the start and I wish I could have but it took some time. It's not that we are moving too fast Sir. It's that we are progressing and accelerating the way we ALL want it to. And that just happens to be quick. It's because all of us WANT this to happen that is making it move faster. Because we are already onto the next step. And after that will be the final step.

I'll admit this. There is only one fear I had about this. And that was your partner Don. I was falling in love with you and you always mentioned your partner and I had no idea what he looked like or his personality. But when I saw him on skype he looked cute and a little nervous. I had a good feeling. Talking him to him today was even better. I'm sure he has his own mixed feelings and we don't know each other..even less than we know each other Sir. But I believe he is excited and wants this because you say he does and I believe in you and trust you Sir. And I want both of you. I'm not worried about Don anymore. We'll bond, we'll get to know each other better and whatever emotions or feelings we have for each other will come. Whether it's as fast as we did or not they will progress how they are meant to progrress. Because we are both shy and truthfully we have more pressure on us.

Especially me being the fill in for the asian boy who turned on your sex drive in florida. I'll admit..every time you tell me that I do get a little jealous and feel a little pressure. But he's nothing. I'll beat him completely and win MY SIR over and Don. Because I also like Don :)

You have opened up your heart to me Sir. You have expressed so much and been so honest and truthful with me. I've noted and got some of your hints and I'll address those.

You aren't sure if you and Don will make me happy. Why is that? Because you two are older, you aren't total tops, you aren't a controlling and dominating saditic top, I'm too much of a slut and two people can't please me, or I can't be monogamous  Is that the reason Sir? First off you don't know until you try. And both of you are so worth the risk.

I've said it before but I can be monogamous. If I'm really happy and really in a place where I belong sex isn't my only focus. And it's not now. I love it but I know there's so much more in life. That being said you and I both know i've lived my life as a slut thus far and the beginnings of a cum dump. You and I both know that there might be a time where I'm really fucking horny and there might be a hot guy who we run into one day and I'll want to play with him. Or when you said that "I'll be with you two mostly 24/7 and will RARELY be with myself." I understand why you said. You said that because you wanted to make sure that "I WANT YOU TWO" and not just a free ride so I can travel to country having sex. Because you might have had guys that have done that in the past or wanted that. And initially that's fine. But I also know that you understand I'm young and I do need friends and people to socialize with outside of the relationship as well. I know you do. I know it might not be initial but I know that you would eventually let me go out by myself for a while. And that doesn't mean I'll go home with someone or bring someone back.

But you understand that I'm young. I trust you on that. You also understand that if I love you that you don't need to worry. And you are correct Sir. I do love you. I love you so much it hurts to not be there with you. But I also realize these won't be initial things. But later on. But I trust you that I will still be able to experience some youth and having friends and people I know and can hang out with. But I also understand there might be people at the campgrounds that I can meet. But most of all Sir I trust you fully and know that you trust me as well. But I'm sure that's something that will be talked about more in depth later.

Now about you being worried about me leaving this life. Haha the crappy job, being in an apartment in Atlanta in a city I don't really want to be in and no real strong ties with family or friends. You aren't taking me away from a whole lot. Well in some ways I am. I am grown Sir. You call me Kid..well you initially did I've noticed you haven't lately. But I can make my own decisions and like an adult I can also make decisions that might bite me in the ass later. But as for the job and all that. I'll handle that professionaly and honorably.

And we'll talk more later Sir. I'm kinda flattered that I made this whole post dedicated to you Sir. Get used to it. There will be a lot more dedication to you Sir. We'll have all the time.

Afraid...

I'm actually afraid to write this right now. I'm actually just plain off right now. I'm usually never like this none of my emotions I can process, decrypt, or even rationalize. Nothing the way I feel right now makes sense. I feel happy, hurt, scared, nervous, my stomach feels sick, but I also feel so fucking hard and horny.

I just don't even know what to write right now. Which is strange because I can normally always write..so why am I so hesitant to write right now. Why do i feel like this. But I also feel a little bit sleepy too.

I think I need some music for this.

Maybe I should start off earlier this week. I can't believe I'm actually shaking a little and my breathing is a little short and..the hell am i having trouble breathing for? Am I letting my emotions take over too much? Have I really trained myself all these years to not show emotions or restrict them that much..I remember what a crybaby and mess I was when I was with my former leather relationship. How I'd fall to the floor and just cry because I hated myself so much or if I did something wrong I'd hide in a corner and just curl up and cry and hide and just wish I could disappear from the world. But Michael wouldn't let me do that. He would pick me or drag me out and make me stand up straight and face him and face myself. I'd still be crying and hurt but he'd remind me I do have worth and I am strong and that I have no reason to be afraid or be crying. Just thinking about how I used to be like that..takes me back. They did so much for me. And even though I bought them freaking tablets for christmas last year I still feel that and nothing I can ever do will be enough to repay them...well one mostly one.

But I told myself a long time ago and I meant it that I won't let past feelings interrupt my future and that I will move forward and take all the experiences, emotions, and everything I've learned and use that to make me a stronger person and even meet guys and date..which I did..and which I have.

Shit my stomach is really hurting right now. Should a writer stop writing when it's hurting their stomach or when their eyes become blurry and their vision becomes faded. Probably. But than again, who the hell said I'm a writer. Haha..even though I've always been told lame people and losers laugh at their own jokes. But I used to know someone a little bit older than me who did that and he was hella cool. Just like me to pick up a lame habit from someone slightly older than me and probably I'm going through some things that he did.

Heh..that one wasn't even mine. Damn there's nothing fucking original about me. I'm such a pathetic loser who really shouldn't even be here and doesn't deserve love, relationship, or friends. Yet, I write that and it sounds cold and sad..but why do i have a shit eating grin while I write this. Am I just being a narcissistic or sarcastic asshole by saying that and am I saying it because I know it's not true? Damn the pain in my stomach/chest is getting stronger. Right, so I'll be foaming at the mouth before I finish this. How lame..and wow I actually took a really deep breath. Kinda hurt but first time I've done that since my emotions were entangled. But the way I'm writing everything I say and do. I feel like I'm the loser Collin at work who was making fun of my friend one day by going like, "And now I'm typing on the computer, i' m looking at the job sheet, I'm looking around like I don't have anything today, I'm messing with my hair." He was funny when he was doing that. And that Tom Shane voice shit. "I'm Tom Shane and when I go to bangkok I visit a brothel or two and I physically abuse my wife." God it's pretty fucked up and funny how saying something sounds different doing it in someone else's voice. I wish I could do voice over. It might pay alot.

...Hehe just like me. Fucking procrastinating on what I really need to be writing about by rambling on like an asshole.Wow I don't care what people say about Led Zeppelin. I know they don't want their songs in any rock band or music game because of fear of plagirism. I know metallica was bad about that. But at least freaking Metallica and the fucking beatles..THE BEATLES..god knows how long and how much work it took for that deal to go through and get on iTunes and then everyone else. So fuck you led zeppelin. I was going to listen to your ramble on song because it sorta fits the mood but you fucking suuuuck for not letting your music on spotify, google play, or any service and only physical cd. Get in the fucking 21st (is it?) bitch. I'm listening to beck instead. At least.

Hehe I was tapping my feet so nervously before but now listening to beck..shit now I see why some people listen to him. But now I need to focus and get back on track. Yeah blink-182 takes me back. Days when I once thought I was straight. So nervous to talk to a girl I liked and crushed on her for years. And all because some asshole teased, "ZOMG MAX LIKES YOU HE TOLD ME HAHAHA". And then I was so fucking awkward afterwards with her and only gave her chocolate for valentines day and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. So ha bitches out there. That girl got the closest that ANY GIRL will ever get to getting physical with me ;)

But I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not really hesitant or nervous about doing things. Well who the hell am I kidding. I was scared shittless applying for flex and bj's. I forced myself to be strong. And just like when I go out to bars sometimes. Sometimes I'm so scared so instead I just be a gleeful idiot and just enjoy being their and am in my own world and just enjoying the atmosphere and being there. But I never really face the reality that there are sometimes hot men in there and men who want to take me home or men who find me hot and who find me hot. I never really consider that because that makes me to nervous and scared...except when I have a drink or two. Thank god guys don't know that because I rarely get drinks for free. Oh well I'm a man a man pays for drinks...chicks get free drinks.

I'm being so stupid right now...so now is it time to face my emotions. It probably is. It's part of growing up..

What am I feeling right now. What emotions am I sealing away or trying to suppress..what where those mixed feelings before..

...Well that was

My Reaction

So that story..

The end is what really got me. I did used to live as sort of a straight guy life even when I was gay. I did realized I liked kink, bdsm, and older guys earlier.

But before I got into a relationship with my former Sir and Brother I ALMOST was on a path to being a complete slut at 18 and I was headed towards gangbangs, getting pimped out, and being someone's bitch in a not good way. But I met a poz submissive who has had a hard life because of the choices he's made and because he desperately wants love and can't decide who to love and he changed that path for me.

Also the cop in the story never showed emotion and never really showed sensuality to the boy. I can't tell you how many times I cried or even begged my former Sir to fuck me at one point in the relationship. I was so hurt and heartbroken that I failed as a slave and did a bad job because my former Sir did not want to have sex with me or even be intimate with me. I blamed myself on that for years because I failed him in a cake practical on baking school and I felt I was dead to him after that. It really hurt and it really took me back reading about how the cop felt about Jim. And especially how he showed his love in "other" ways.

The torn between the two relationships as well.

One that represents control, power, complete obedient, and no affection or love shown vs. the dominant yet caring, not as attractive or fit as the body builder cop, but who shows equality care and love.

The situations played out perfectly. One was a man who completely used and destroyed the boy for his own rocks off and for his enjoyment and took it too far without realizing it and realized it's too late and got murdered by Karma. The other was the man who wasn't as dominant and controlling but still passionate, still caring, and more of a daddy boy relationship. Physical and emotional love.

I've met guys like this in the past. I thought at first I was only supposed to be a submissive bottom that did as he was told. I got past being completely submissive recently.

In the past I thought I wanted more of a "Master/slave" relationship. By no means can I not do it but it's depending on the guy and for the most part especially if it's 24/7. I wouldn't have much say or control. But would that reach my core and make me happy. Or would a daddy boy relationship with a sensual, older, dominant but caring and loving man make me happier.

These are things I've asked myself in the past few months. Because I've experienced different situations.

But the ultimate fate for jim with the bastard uncaring top. The price that is paid for taking your fetishes, your pleasures, and desires to the FULLEST extent and giving up complete control to someone who doesn't care about you. Is that the path I want to take? Was I close to taking it. If I went home with that guy from eros would I have been seen again? If I submitted completely to the piss dom top would my hole ever go back to the way it was, would I feel like I wasn't even a person unless I had cock in me. How much would I be dehumanized? And here's the kicker. A top who really gets off on torturing and using a submissive to the point where they are broken and can only think about sex. Once the submissive is completely broken. What use are they for the top. In other words. It's a fast lane life but eventually it's going to be a huge crash and then that's it.

And what was my back up plan? Finding some random trucker and offering to be his bitch and serve him wherever he goes and did what he wanted. Or any random guy? Like that would even end well? Especially if there was no interest whatsoever except me being ass. In other words..

At one point in time and currently. I could have gone on a path like this. Because I have partially experienced what it's like to give up control completely. But to someone I trust. But if that grows stronger and I give it up someone who I shouldn't trust because I'm drunk, horny, stupid, desperate or just want to give it all up and surrender myself. What would the outcome be?

And what was I originally against with a daddy boy? Or was I ever against a daddy boy. Or was I just afraid a man would never, "love" me like that or I'd never be able to "love myself" like that. In that scenario and if I was that weak. I wouldn't even be a slave at that point. I'd be an "IT". And as the author but. A boy or man's, especially submissive, biggest hell is being sold off as a slave, castration, voice box removed, and just being barely enough but can't even express or show how they feel because they've already died inside. What remains is just the body of what used to be a person. That is the ULTIMATE HELL and path that no slave, boy, submissive, or man wants their final destination to be. But unfortunately for some..it is. And more than likely. An underground slave market for gay male slaves and bdsm thing doesn't exist. And in my opinion. IT IS PURE FUCKING EVIL!

So yes I cried and was scared when I read about the cop getting sold off and his ultimate fate being castration and voice box removed and fisted and used so much his intestines spilled out. Even moreso that Robert did not try to save him or stop him. Because I have heard stories of submissives murdered during sex or castrated and killed. And that movie cruising with the opening scene of the boy being stabbed to death and told, "You made me do this" by the fucked up murder scared the mortal piss out of me. And I heard a horrible story from someone of someone who "accidentally" did mummy play with a slave and..it did not end well. The guy who did it covered everything up too but felt so guilty that he did not end up well either. But the fact that he tried to cover it up and lie about it for his "REPUTATION".

And at a leather conference a few years back. There was..with political influence a submissive who was tied up and secured and had a gag in so he could not speak. And whipped and hurt in public and NO ONE even a judge stopped it. And the submissive could not fight back or voice or even cry because he was "MUTED". These kinds of acts to submissives and to humans. THEY ARE FUCKING EVIL. Because submissives are very strong to be able to submit and to be able to give up control to someone they trust. And even more so they are NEEDED. To take advantage of that is unforgivable .

But deep in my core. These things do scare me. Because I knew they are real and that it's possible it might one day be my fate. And if that does ever happen to me I probably won't be even lucky enough to be able to end it myself. I'll just be waiting until it ends. However, the path I was going on. Would very likely be a path to that. And not only that but.

I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE..I'M TIRED OF HAVING TO DO THINGS ON MY OWN..

And the this next post will finalize and end this unusual long chain of thoughts.