Untitled

I've been told recently that I have a nice smile. I remember when a clerk at a bath house told me and I've been told at other places how I'm like a breath of fresh air. Is it because I'm young, cute, mixed, the hair, the smile? In pictures I generally never smiled whenever I was asked to be in one. Hell even at work or other places sometimes I'll laugh and smile and I'll laugh really loud or get a big shit eating grin or smile. But that's partly because sometimes I'm just so dead at work and so fucking bored or just done with everything that laughing at random or stupid shit just alleviates me from it. Even if it's not real. I can't really remember the last time when I smiled genuinely because I was really happy and wasn't scared and felt confident and happy with who I am and everything that involves.

So much has happened this week. I think back to the past where I'd be in my room at home all alone, jacking off, never having friends over, always eating by myself, going out by myself, always doing everything on my own. Always enduring everything on my own. At one point it almost broke my sense of personality and almost left me a shell of an empty person. But because I met people who really cared about me and put so much emotional investment, so much love, so much care, and trust that I was able to break free from hating myself and feeling I had no value in myself and grow more as a person and that's part of what has made me stronger. But from being alone, being isolated, and not depending on others I learned how to stand up when I got knocked down and even if it hurts or I'm scared I just keep going or face things head on. Not only that but I'm able to go to bars, concerts, places to eat, and shopping by myself. Some people need to do these things with others and cannot by themselves. Not only that but I've also learned how to cook a little bit better recently, I've started doing my own laundry, started cleaning my stuff and taking care of my things and also going from paycheck to paycheck and having my own life. Even though it's not really profitable and a crappy job it's still my life. And in a sense I'm proud that I am able to get by and budget and be cautious.

So going off with a couple and being part of their family or travelling with someone and spending it with them all the time. That seems like the most illogical thing I'd ever do and that sort of negates everything I've done up til now and takes away a bit of my freedom and independence.

But also..and maybe I've always known this or maybe I haven't. It also makes me a bit more selfish. I think more of myself and care more about myself because I've had to take care of and protect myself for this long. But maybe this is why I can't always fit in with groups or large number of people. It could very well be that my because phobia of people and fear of them and me being so awkward around people and not able to express myself is for that reason..

I thought I was done falling in love and crushing on men after I wrote that man long ago the letter and tried getting to know him but realized he'd use me in every way my former Sir did and almost identical. Different person same intentions and same agenda. Now I know what a fuck buddy of mine meant by people with intentions. And yes I tried to get to know a poz/und. fuckbud I knew well in the past too. And a man 2 years back who I saw almost every other day..we were getting close but then for some reason things stopped.

Despite all these I haven't stopped or not allowed myself to date or accept someone and try going further with them. But I haven't really been seeking it. Before I knew it I met a leather couple this year where the leather top made me admit something that my heart wouldn't let me admit which is probably at my very core. "The desire to be owned.", "To belong", and to "be a man's boy." He made me admit it and I hated that he did but not only that but he brought out the leather fire in me that I thought was withering away. The passion, the lust, the drive, and the desire. Not only that but the desire to be with someone. And I have a bear bud who I get together with sometimes and while I think initially he had an interest in me once he realized my job was crap and income and no health insurance..logically it wouldn't make sense for him to even consider dating me. I'm just a hole and cum dump to him. And it turns me on..it really does.

I loved how a few weeks ago he treated me like such a slut and a whore. How I sat on his cock and bounced on it, was bent over and fucked, was fucked dry and no lube and how I just had to take it and even though it sort of hurt he did not want any passion or anything like that. He did before dinner that night. Maybe now he just thinks I'm a good hole to jack off in. And that please a part of me. It really fucking turned me on and even more so when a few more times that night I blew him and rode his cock and took his loads. Especially in the morning.

And then I met a hook up a few nights ago and the man had a huge dominant aura around him. I just realized..this is a story I haven't told. Well even better than..

He came over and when he walked through the door he was a beast of man. Rough, tough, mean looking, very masculine looking, big, older, beefy, stocky, and in his eyes I saw lust, dominance, agression, and control. He could control me just by looking at me. He ordered me into my own bed room, closed the doors and windows, and pinned me against the wall. He had me suck his nipples, worship his body, and he ordered me to strip from him. As I stripped for him slowly I could see his eyes watching me carefully and calculated, and he finally pulled out his cock and told me to suck him. I was so glad to and I sucked him like my life depended on it, with such urgency, to meet his urgency. I sucked his nipples as well and even rimmed his ass and licked his cock and balls. He told straddle him and just let his raw bearback cock touch my hole. I did and I felt it slowly touch and then I felt it enter. His girth was huge. I could feel him growing bigger and harder and I could feel him. It was intense and it was overwhelming. I gapsed out in pain and he just covered my mouth and then pushed in all the way. I screamed for a brief second because it really did hurt and he thrusted for a few seconds and pulled out completely. He kissed me as if to compliment me since he enjoyed what he would probably call a show.

He then ordered me into the bathroom and to lay down in the tub. He told me to stay still and open my mouth. I saw his piss coming out of his cock and he told me to not swallow but hold it in my mouth. I did as I was ordered and while I was scared and rock hard I felt obedient. He told me to swallow and all the piss in my mouth I swallowed and did so naturally and obediently. He complimented me and called me a good boy. He told me to put my mouth over his cock and I did as he ordered. I felt his piss flow my mouth and it diddn't taste bad but I got scared for a second. But I looked into his cold, hard, and controlling eyes and is if mesmerized I swallowed my fear (literally) and gave in and swallowed all the piss. He told me, "Good fucking boy." and he brought me up to him and started making out with me even with some of the piss still in my mouth sloshing around. I was so turned on and have never experienced anything like this before.

He told me to get back on the tub and I did and like a fountain I took all his piss and I swallowed it while he was pissing and he would pause sometimes so I could swallow the rest. But I spilled almost nothing. I thought about these boys in these piss videos that look pretty and cute and tops piss all over them and in their mouths and they just let it spill and go to waste. Why would they waste that. And why do I have such a deep desire for it?

We went back into the bedroom after we wiped each other off but he wouldn't let me shower. Now that I knew he kissed I kissed him more and more aggresively. He also kissed me aggressively and I could feel his hands force my head into his and I could feel the strength and power in his hands and in him. I went back to sucking his cock and he told me he was going to fuck me. I bent over the bed and he shoved his cock in. It hurt a little but he told me to take it and told me what a good bitch I was. He told me how another time he's going to have buddies of his over and they'll all take turns with me. Or he'll take me someone and I'll be everyone's cumdump. He kept telling me how he wanted me to be Atlanta's cumdump and how sometimes he'll just watch and jack off while other guys fuck me and use me. Becuase that's what I am. What he was saying was similar to what my bear fuck bud said. Yet he is older, there is more of a serious and strict tone in his voice, and he has more control in him, and more of a desire to control a boy. I could tell he was serious. He came inside me and I sucked the rest of it off. Afterwards we showered and made out more and he was more intimate and more into passion.

But he told me how he has future plans to me and how he plans on using my ass and eventually fisting it and how he will do things to me and I will obey and accept them and how he does care and won't let me get hurt. But how I will serve him if I choose to. He was serious. There was a sense of danger I sensed as well.

It was a little bit similar to a guy I saw twice at eros once. Older man somewhat skinny but he reeks of evil, dominance, arrogance, and control. He cut off my circulation a little when we made out and he had me take a huge hit of poppers while he fucked my ass. Not only that but he kept threatening me that if I don't work my ass enough he'll fist me and he'll do things to me. I did get maybe 3-4 loads out of him but I never sensed any warmth, sensuality or care in any part of him. I was glad he never wanted me to come home with him because he felt like way too much danger. But that time and another time I saw him and he fucked me at that club again I still felt it. But I knew better than to get involved with him.

But some of the danger I felt I sensed with that top that came over and fucked me and did piss play. But it's not only that. It's also that I felt he had more of a refined way of hiding it and it was more controlled and silent. But I could picture a scenario where I'm tied up and being fucked by several guys and even if I said no or stop I think he'd probably keep going or if I got tired. I don't think he'd care. He even wanted me to write down every time guys fuck me and drop a load in me to him and to give him reports. He wanted and still does want complete control. So how does this relate to anything?

While this turned me on so much and I was planning on contacting him more something happened last sunday. Besides getting together with a guy who although had the pigginess and wild aspect he was also sensual and sweet. But even though he rarely got fucked bareback he wouldn't let me. And I hooked up with someone else after who I haven't seen in forever and he was going to fuck me. But after rimming that hot bear hole I wanted to fuck him but I had to wear a condom. And then right after he shoved his cock in my cummy hole and bred me while I got to shoot it in a condom..

And then I talked to someone sunday night and I've changed since and there are so many things going through my mind.

...But what really changed everything. Was who i talked to on sunday night. And the fact that I talked to that person the following night. But after I talked to that person. I read something. And what I read had a huge impact on me that made me reflect on leather, former relationship with exSir/exBrother and everything about me and what I've done so far and where I'm heading. It was written in a way where I felt absorbed into it and even cried at the end because there was such power in it and it scared me but also in a good way. But it sort of relieved me from many things..

But before I write about that. I need to reflect on that for a bit first. Seems like that's what tonight will be though..because there is a hell of a lot going on in my mind.