Afraid...

I'm actually afraid to write this right now. I'm actually just plain off right now. I'm usually never like this none of my emotions I can process, decrypt, or even rationalize. Nothing the way I feel right now makes sense. I feel happy, hurt, scared, nervous, my stomach feels sick, but I also feel so fucking hard and horny.

I just don't even know what to write right now. Which is strange because I can normally always write..so why am I so hesitant to write right now. Why do i feel like this. But I also feel a little bit sleepy too.

I think I need some music for this.

Maybe I should start off earlier this week. I can't believe I'm actually shaking a little and my breathing is a little short and..the hell am i having trouble breathing for? Am I letting my emotions take over too much? Have I really trained myself all these years to not show emotions or restrict them that much..I remember what a crybaby and mess I was when I was with my former leather relationship. How I'd fall to the floor and just cry because I hated myself so much or if I did something wrong I'd hide in a corner and just curl up and cry and hide and just wish I could disappear from the world. But Michael wouldn't let me do that. He would pick me or drag me out and make me stand up straight and face him and face myself. I'd still be crying and hurt but he'd remind me I do have worth and I am strong and that I have no reason to be afraid or be crying. Just thinking about how I used to be like that..takes me back. They did so much for me. And even though I bought them freaking tablets for christmas last year I still feel that and nothing I can ever do will be enough to repay them...well one mostly one.

But I told myself a long time ago and I meant it that I won't let past feelings interrupt my future and that I will move forward and take all the experiences, emotions, and everything I've learned and use that to make me a stronger person and even meet guys and date..which I did..and which I have.

Shit my stomach is really hurting right now. Should a writer stop writing when it's hurting their stomach or when their eyes become blurry and their vision becomes faded. Probably. But than again, who the hell said I'm a writer. Haha..even though I've always been told lame people and losers laugh at their own jokes. But I used to know someone a little bit older than me who did that and he was hella cool. Just like me to pick up a lame habit from someone slightly older than me and probably I'm going through some things that he did.

Heh..that one wasn't even mine. Damn there's nothing fucking original about me. I'm such a pathetic loser who really shouldn't even be here and doesn't deserve love, relationship, or friends. Yet, I write that and it sounds cold and sad..but why do i have a shit eating grin while I write this. Am I just being a narcissistic or sarcastic asshole by saying that and am I saying it because I know it's not true? Damn the pain in my stomach/chest is getting stronger. Right, so I'll be foaming at the mouth before I finish this. How lame..and wow I actually took a really deep breath. Kinda hurt but first time I've done that since my emotions were entangled. But the way I'm writing everything I say and do. I feel like I'm the loser Collin at work who was making fun of my friend one day by going like, "And now I'm typing on the computer, i' m looking at the job sheet, I'm looking around like I don't have anything today, I'm messing with my hair." He was funny when he was doing that. And that Tom Shane voice shit. "I'm Tom Shane and when I go to bangkok I visit a brothel or two and I physically abuse my wife." God it's pretty fucked up and funny how saying something sounds different doing it in someone else's voice. I wish I could do voice over. It might pay alot.

...Hehe just like me. Fucking procrastinating on what I really need to be writing about by rambling on like an asshole.Wow I don't care what people say about Led Zeppelin. I know they don't want their songs in any rock band or music game because of fear of plagirism. I know metallica was bad about that. But at least freaking Metallica and the fucking beatles..THE BEATLES..god knows how long and how much work it took for that deal to go through and get on iTunes and then everyone else. So fuck you led zeppelin. I was going to listen to your ramble on song because it sorta fits the mood but you fucking suuuuck for not letting your music on spotify, google play, or any service and only physical cd. Get in the fucking 21st (is it?) bitch. I'm listening to beck instead. At least.

Hehe I was tapping my feet so nervously before but now listening to beck..shit now I see why some people listen to him. But now I need to focus and get back on track. Yeah blink-182 takes me back. Days when I once thought I was straight. So nervous to talk to a girl I liked and crushed on her for years. And all because some asshole teased, "ZOMG MAX LIKES YOU HE TOLD ME HAHAHA". And then I was so fucking awkward afterwards with her and only gave her chocolate for valentines day and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. So ha bitches out there. That girl got the closest that ANY GIRL will ever get to getting physical with me ;)

But I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not really hesitant or nervous about doing things. Well who the hell am I kidding. I was scared shittless applying for flex and bj's. I forced myself to be strong. And just like when I go out to bars sometimes. Sometimes I'm so scared so instead I just be a gleeful idiot and just enjoy being their and am in my own world and just enjoying the atmosphere and being there. But I never really face the reality that there are sometimes hot men in there and men who want to take me home or men who find me hot and who find me hot. I never really consider that because that makes me to nervous and scared...except when I have a drink or two. Thank god guys don't know that because I rarely get drinks for free. Oh well I'm a man a man pays for drinks...chicks get free drinks.

I'm being so stupid right now...so now is it time to face my emotions. It probably is. It's part of growing up..

What am I feeling right now. What emotions am I sealing away or trying to suppress..what where those mixed feelings before..

...Well that was