SIR!

I'M THINKING OF YOU SIR BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! There I fucking said it. This is what you really wanted me to say isn't it Sir. I fucking love you Sir. I don't care if it's only been a week. I don't care if we don't really know each other. I decide things for myself and make decisions for myself I'm fucking 21. I don't fall in love and I don't really get crushes I get to know people once. So what if I sound crazy so what if I sound stupid. I'm 23. And like others haven't and some do it every week or every other week or have a boyfriend for every month or every other month?

No not me Sir. I fucking love you. I love you so much Sir it fucking hurts..it really fucking hurts. That's why I was trying not to cry on the phone tonight but I'm crying right now. It really hurt that the bearbud showed his colors but it actually relieved me and in some ways..he seems like he could be a future cop. I don't care whether you're a Rick or whatever to me you are Wayne, Sir, Daddy, Lover, Boyfriend, Husband, I don't care what label you want to use. All I know is that I love you Sir and I wish I wasn't trying to deny these feelings earlier since you were the one who initially hinted it with "XOXOXO". I'm really fucking retarded for not knowing what that meant..stupid me.

But I've thought about you all week Sir. And it's sad that you've expressed yourself so well but I haven't. I went from hating myself and job this week to being able to get through work happy, work harder, feel better even though tired, and actually be happy and do something on breaks but play my god damn vita. I fucking love my vita and I play at work all the time but I'll gladly toss that if I can have just a little time to talk to Sir. Friend's I can't help that one because I do work with these people and I do need to talk to them and keep that socializing at work.

But why Sir. Why do you care so much and why do you love me. Why did you message me on sunday. Hell I remember I was already going to hook up with someone and stopped to look at directions and I saw one or two messages. Your growlr picture looks kinda goofy but you like sexy as hell with the hat and shades on and that goofy grin. I'll totally blow you with that goofy look on your face Sir. I still couldn't believe that your first message to me was something like, "Cute boy..would love for you to travel with us and be our boy." That's a hell of a pick up line. And in the past I would have probably just said, "Ah it wouldn't work Sir I have my own life and stuff but hope you find what you are looking for." So why did I honestly say and humbly say I can't travel because of where I am right now and job and stuff but if you visit I'd love to get together with you. Is that something I'd normally say.

Damn I feel like I'm going to throw up right now for some reason. I blame starbucks..no I don't. Right focus.

..I really love you Sir. When you said, "Maybe I was meant to save you boy." You have no idea how happy that made me. When you said you wanted me to be part of your family and help you and how you want to make me happy that made me happy. And when I kept hearing you say, "Well this is what I'm offering boy", "I'd like you to join us boy", "I'd like if it you were with me." The slight hesitation, and the slight fear and the hoping and wanting was very cute. It showed you sincerely cared and really want this to work.

I've always believed that my whole life I've gone through hell. From childhood to present. That stopped more when I met the leather couple I was in a relationship with because they saved me from sinking into the depths of hell and pulled me out and gave me love, strength, confidence, and warmth so that now I have a strong light and a deep strength in me that will allow me to do anything I want in life and be anything I want. Whether it's with education, sex, or in a relationship with another man. They did it out of love for me because they loved me (and still do and I still do) and they just want me to be happy. And I've done all I can to keep and improve on that strength to not let their time, effort, and gift go to waste and to to live honorably and strong like they would like.

But before all that. I always believed when I was in the depths of my mind and in such deep despair, pain, and lonliness that it's not forever. I'm not always going to be alone, scared, and miserable. That maybe people or someone is watching me. Maybe it's all a test or something and that it's so I can be really strong one day. It's a really fucking sick and twisted test but I told myself if I can live long enough..if I can survive this world long enough that someday I'll have friends, people who care about me, and someone who really loves me and I will be able to love them in return. This is what I used to tell myself..before I met my former leather relationship. After that my goal and dream was just to travel, have some money enough to get me by so I could travel, meet people, and see different places. But there was a reason for that. Part of it was for freedom.

..But the real reason. The truth is. IT WAS ALL SO THAT WAY I COULD FIND THE RIGHT PERSON FOR ME. All the experience from meeting people, all the sex, all the travelling I'd be able to find someone who I could spend my life with and love because I'd love and accept them and they'd love and accept me. And yes, one of the scenarios was going home with someone from a bar one night and falling in love with them and becoming their partner. But as you know their's also something else..that Keith bastard made me admit it..

"I know what you are thinking boy. I can tell exactly what's on your mind, what's in your heart, and what you really want. Boy I can read you like an open book. You know what it is don't you boy. What you really want and what you really need isn't it boy. You want to be owned don't you boy. Admit it boy you're not fooling anyone. All along what you've wanted is to be owned isn't it boy."

That bastard made me admit it and ever since he did I've never been the same.

So take the thing about me falling in love with someone in a bar and becoming their partner boyfriend. And take me wanting to be owned and maybe even collared and in service to a man. Those are complete opposites of each other except somewhat similar. But you are both Sir. You are a daddy, a Sir, and a top, and even versatile. My need and desire to learn to top won't go to waste. I can't imagine how amazing it will feel the first time I can be inside you and show you my power, my lust, my youth, my will, and my love. It makes my dick hard just thinking about it. Just how I can't wait to feel your power, your control, your lust, and your love inside of me Sir.

..I just don't know how many times I can say I love you Sir. And I don't know if the meaning will ever change no matter how much I say it. My stomach, my chest, they are burning and they ache. I feel it. Part of it is excitement and  part is nervousness.

..Did you really expect any of this Sir. Did you really expect for me to so willingly to be your boy. You seemed so calm, cool, and collected in the beginning. But even I can tell your are nervous and a little scared. Neither of us were really expecting this to be real. I don't think either of us were expecting to fall in love. We probably both thought, "Well if nothing else in september we can meet each other and play." But it's grown way beyond that Sir..from what you were originally thinking for a boy to have lots of sex with and help out and be part of the family. To a boy you love and want and need to be part of your family. A boy you need to hold, kiss, and own. And a boy that you need and crave now. Because it's the exact same with me Sir.

I'm crazy for you Sir. I can't believe how just texting you on breaks, and talking to you at night..how much of an impact that has made on me. How much it's changed me. And how I completely fell for you.

You say you don't own me..you say I'm not your yet. But you know I will be Sir. We both know that. You even say, "2-3 months". You and I both know it's going to happen soon. But I'm sure the question you're probably asking yourself is "am I moving to fast..am I crazy". You aren't moving too fast Sir. You've been honest about your feelings from the start and I wish I could have but it took some time. It's not that we are moving too fast Sir. It's that we are progressing and accelerating the way we ALL want it to. And that just happens to be quick. It's because all of us WANT this to happen that is making it move faster. Because we are already onto the next step. And after that will be the final step.

I'll admit this. There is only one fear I had about this. And that was your partner Don. I was falling in love with you and you always mentioned your partner and I had no idea what he looked like or his personality. But when I saw him on skype he looked cute and a little nervous. I had a good feeling. Talking him to him today was even better. I'm sure he has his own mixed feelings and we don't know each other..even less than we know each other Sir. But I believe he is excited and wants this because you say he does and I believe in you and trust you Sir. And I want both of you. I'm not worried about Don anymore. We'll bond, we'll get to know each other better and whatever emotions or feelings we have for each other will come. Whether it's as fast as we did or not they will progress how they are meant to progrress. Because we are both shy and truthfully we have more pressure on us.

Especially me being the fill in for the asian boy who turned on your sex drive in florida. I'll admit..every time you tell me that I do get a little jealous and feel a little pressure. But he's nothing. I'll beat him completely and win MY SIR over and Don. Because I also like Don :)

You have opened up your heart to me Sir. You have expressed so much and been so honest and truthful with me. I've noted and got some of your hints and I'll address those.

You aren't sure if you and Don will make me happy. Why is that? Because you two are older, you aren't total tops, you aren't a controlling and dominating saditic top, I'm too much of a slut and two people can't please me, or I can't be monogamous  Is that the reason Sir? First off you don't know until you try. And both of you are so worth the risk.

I've said it before but I can be monogamous. If I'm really happy and really in a place where I belong sex isn't my only focus. And it's not now. I love it but I know there's so much more in life. That being said you and I both know i've lived my life as a slut thus far and the beginnings of a cum dump. You and I both know that there might be a time where I'm really fucking horny and there might be a hot guy who we run into one day and I'll want to play with him. Or when you said that "I'll be with you two mostly 24/7 and will RARELY be with myself." I understand why you said. You said that because you wanted to make sure that "I WANT YOU TWO" and not just a free ride so I can travel to country having sex. Because you might have had guys that have done that in the past or wanted that. And initially that's fine. But I also know that you understand I'm young and I do need friends and people to socialize with outside of the relationship as well. I know you do. I know it might not be initial but I know that you would eventually let me go out by myself for a while. And that doesn't mean I'll go home with someone or bring someone back.

But you understand that I'm young. I trust you on that. You also understand that if I love you that you don't need to worry. And you are correct Sir. I do love you. I love you so much it hurts to not be there with you. But I also realize these won't be initial things. But later on. But I trust you that I will still be able to experience some youth and having friends and people I know and can hang out with. But I also understand there might be people at the campgrounds that I can meet. But most of all Sir I trust you fully and know that you trust me as well. But I'm sure that's something that will be talked about more in depth later.

Now about you being worried about me leaving this life. Haha the crappy job, being in an apartment in Atlanta in a city I don't really want to be in and no real strong ties with family or friends. You aren't taking me away from a whole lot. Well in some ways I am. I am grown Sir. You call me Kid..well you initially did I've noticed you haven't lately. But I can make my own decisions and like an adult I can also make decisions that might bite me in the ass later. But as for the job and all that. I'll handle that professionaly and honorably.

And we'll talk more later Sir. I'm kinda flattered that I made this whole post dedicated to you Sir. Get used to it. There will be a lot more dedication to you Sir. We'll have all the time.